just checking in

I don't have much to say. Work was hard. The kids are still hanging out w/ friends. It's quiet and nice. I really could use a snuggle, but sometime I'll get it and for now it's good to just have some alone. In fact if I could I'd go to bed right now and just read. I picked up one of my Jonathan Carroll books the other night. It's weird how he can draw me in over and over. Same books I've been reading. I just always get drawn in.

There are things I could be doing. But for now, I'm just finishing this blog and then nothing. Sometimes nothing is necessary.

couples

I have been thinking for the past year or so that I'd really like to be in a couple. I was just in one last summer and I liked it. I liked having a boyfriend to do stuff with and for. It was nice. Nice to have someone to share my time with, call me now and then, fall asleep on while watching TV. It was fun to cook dinner for him and go to baseball games, etc. When I moved that ended even though it had just started. He was cool, but it had just begun so no worries there. Even so, since then I've only dated. And that's been good to. But lately it seems like I see couples everywhere. They are doing chores together on weekends, driving along conversing, having lunch together, etc. I have to admit I've been a bit jealous of these people. Then today I was watching this couple today that seemed really happy. They seemed like they were in love. They seemed like they were content. And then I realized that I was in that couple once and people who wanted to be in a couple had looked at me and been jealous. The thing was when it seemed like I was really happy I was miserable. It seemed to everyone else like I was in the perfect couple. People even commented on it, and it really was all a facade. I don't know that the couple I saw today weren't really happy. I don't know that they were. I just know that things are not always as they appear, and I'd much rather wait to have something real and good and solid than have the appearance of it.

A bit gruesome really

She was attentive as she stood in line beaming and watching the children take their turns. The arm was missing. It had been the first to go. The next child was up. A little boy with black shiny hair cut short but even so was tossled from the earlier playtime. He looked intently and swung and swung to no avail. She looked back at me smiling a smile that was missing teeth. "She's beautiful," the voice in my head said absently. The little Korean girl had successfully removed the foot. Smashed. Clapping and jumping in one spot her turn was next. WHACK at the abdomen in a pink dress. WHACK! WHACK! Her hand off to the next child was to another boy with black hair. With one swift hit the paper princess was divided in two and the treats that made up her innards were on the floor. The children below her hanging carcass gleeful and cheerily picking them up.

"Mommy, look at all the candy," she said referring to the pinata guts she'd put in her little plastic bag.

bedside manner

I needed to go to the doctor today to get my annual PAP and a prescription refilled. Never needing to have gone to the doctor here in the Springs I didn't have one yet, so I braved the insurance companies website and found one listed that looked good. I’m not really sure what drew me to this particular office over the others other than it was close to my office.
Today was my appointment so I left work and drove the short distance. I was a little nervous, as I am always leery of new doctors. When I was diagnosed w/ HSV2 I had a really bad experience with a doctor and so am really anxious about having to deal with a new one, not knowing how they will react to my medical history. Afterward I found a really good group in Atlanta that really reassured me, informed me, and helped educate me about my health. It seems that a lot of doctors forget that is part of their job other than just writing prescriptions. So, anyway, I was nervous and holding my breath. As it turned out the woman was awesome. I wouldn't say that she took extra time with me, probably only 10-15 mins for a full gyno exam, but rather that she used the time very efficiently with a pleasant manner. She asked a lot of questions, gave answers to questions before I asked, and told me some things I knew already. Even so it was good to have her backing up my previous doctors on the information. Even better she agreed with me on staying on the meds I take rather than changing that. Yay!! It made me think of how lucky I was this time. There are so many doctors out there that just rush through, only answer questions if you really pressure them to, and don't always give a clear answer. Even worse, there are some out there that make you feel bad because you had the nerve to get sick. It's really frustrating, but this time it was not. It was great. Now, I just need to see if she’ll move to Denver. Haha!

I'm sitting here with nothing in particular on my mind. I don't have a great idea for this blog entry other than that I'm feeling like today will be productive. My mind is wandering from corner to corner thinking of things that need to be done, stuff to be put away and how exactly I'll get it all accomplished. I have a lot of clutter on my desk and I wonder how it gets there so frequently. How do I not realize when my desk, my room, my house is becoming somewhat cluttered and then all of the sudden I can "see" it all? It's the times that I realize that it's cluttered that I start feeling really motivated to clean. All the other times I feel to busy with life to worry about it. Doing the mom things, being a friend, enjoying the things I enjoy. But the cleaning...it feels productive and then after I feel dusty but accomplished. So, onto that now. My head feels less cluttered.

...and this post is done.

If you like Pina Coladas...

Alright, so I'm lame. I registered with Match.com because I need to meet new people and am WAY too shy to meet anyone any other way. And I have bad socialization or something. I just don't know how to meet people. Anyway, so I have been on Match before and in fact that's how I met sweet Pecan. Oh, sweet Pecan... he's dreamy...but that's another post.
So, anyway, I'm doing this casual dating thing and am on Match. The thing is I have gotten some seriously um...how to be pc about this? Can't. Man!! These guys are icky and persistent. What the hell about my saying "Thanks not interested" was difficult to understand the first time. It never bodes well for them when they don't even have a photo up. Sorry, maybe that is shallow of me, but looks are important. What if they have hair for cryin' out loud!!?? ACK!!! (i keeeed) I got an e-mail from this one dude who had in his profile that he was looking for "A smart, funny, clean woman" because "I deserve one." Shouldn't CLEAN be sort of a given? Apparently in his experience it isn't.
I have met a couple of people that seem like they would be fun to hang out with. I have contacted a couple of women because I really would like to meet some friends to do stuff with. I really would like to have some people who aren't allergic to kids to hang out with. THAT is that hardest thing. I miss my girls and hanging out talking about all the stuff girls do. (Men, you really don't wanna know, and no, most of it ISN'T about you) So, yeah. I'm a loser and we'll see how it goes. Who knows? Maybe I'll find a great group of people that I can just be chill with.

k..done rambling. i need a shower

Newshounds

I don’t claim that I am in the know about a lot of things. I don’t turn on the news every night at home, I don’t check CNN or BBC religiously throughout the day, but I do try to stay aware. It’s not because I want to know the sensationalism that most news agencies go for, but because I want to know what is going on where I live. This place called the world and how these things are going to affect the kids and me.
I don’t know that this is a recent observation or one that I’m just now remembering I’ve made before. I think perhaps it’s sort of just a known that I don’t really acknowledge, but definitely behind my aversion to FOX news. They are all about these types of stories and pounding them into the ground. Anyway, I’ve recently re-noticed how many people really are drawn only to these sensationalized stories. The sensational is what they remember and talk about like it’s a soap opera and not someone’s reality. I hear them talking in excited tones both about a news story AND of the show they watched right after the news. There is no distinction in their tone or the way they talk about the two. It makes me wonder how much these people believe what they see on television is real and how much they realize is not. More and more I realize how, despite our ability to have immediate knowledge of the world, how little people actually care about anything except what stimulates them, makes them feel better about themselves or gives them something to talk about.
I am left wondering if they realize that this judge whose family was killed is hurting and grieving right now. Or if they take it to the level that right now there are children scared and missing their parents because they’ve been conscripted to fight a “war?” Or that there are parents who are forced to sell their children for sex just so that they AND their children can stay alive? These are the realities and they aren’t sensational, they suck. It's not a fun reality and it's not headline worthy because it's not pretty. I just wonder if it’s like another “reality show” to these people I overhear. What will be on the next season of "Tsunami!!" or will it be cancelled due to lack of interest. Hmmm…maybe the reason I try to forget this observation is because it’s so damned depressing.

k…done with my sensational rambling now.

Patience...

I have a saying. "Patience is for people who believe they are going to live forever." I really strongly believe this. And while I realize that I can't have everything right NOW I can and do make a plan so that I can get where I'm going. I hate the whole idea of "just be patient." It's like telling me to just "pray about it." Fuck that. I am a doer. I have to doooo things. And when I can't actually do something then I need to think about how I can take the next step. I realize that this makes me seem very Veruca sometimes, but it's not intended that way. I just think that we have some control over getting what we want in live and if we don't do something about it we aren't ever going to get what we want. I don't see how patience is a virtue. Wait and see. Um...I waited my entire 20's and that didn't work out so great. I think I'll just move along now and do something.

I'm an A, dammit!!

As those of you who have seen me in person know I am not the largest of people. I'm fairly proportionate in the state of small. This includes my boobies. I like my breasts. I came to appreciate their small, yet perfect, size quite some time ago noticing that women with larger ones had back problems and oftentimes stretch marks. Mine do not have that problem. Mine only have the problem of the idiots at the store who can't freaking understand that even those of us with an A cup need bras, too!! I'm sorry, but when I see a double D on the rack all I can think is that it would make a fantastic hat for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and can you point me to the bras that might actually fit? What's even worse is someone, somewhere actually must think that if our boobs are small we only want plain, ugly white/beige/or black bras. Ahem. So, in that light I have constructed the following letter to a top bra marketer.

Dear Victoria's Secret,

I have a secret for you. Women with an A cup like pretty bras, too! Just because my small waist and finely sculpted ass fit snuggly into a LARGE panty of yours doesn't mean that my equally perfect breasts are HUGE and someday destined to reach my kneecaps!! I WANT AN A CUP THAT ISN'T UGLY!! GET ON IT!

Thank you and kindest regards,

Smoooochie™


Now, to all my friends with large boobs. I like that you have large boobs. I'm glad that you can find bras that fit. Please help me in gaining the same priviledge.

...and this rant is DONE!

Early Sunday Morning

I woke up at 7:15 this morning. I was thinking of a dream I'd had where I was trying to kill this big black spider. It had touched my foot in the dream and I completely freaked out, as I would in the waking world, by jumping around and screaming. My thoughts then turned to Pecan wondering if he'd made it to Taiwan yet and hoping that he'd been able to sleep. I didn't really want to jump out of bed, since I bought and washed new flannel sheets yesterday, but I needed to since G's friend was coming to spend the day. He's here now.
I've been working on an idea of stuff to write and not actually getting much down on paper. um...down on screen? on disk? whatever. I haven't been recording much of what I've been thinking. It's not a complete wash. I think I have some solid stuff to work on I just need to do it. Some of the stuff has to do with my novel and some is just more like freeform poetry stuff. I still have this idea of doors in my head and what they represent to us, or don't. Also, I wrote a really good poem that was loving and I've been trying to do another. All in all, I've written a lot this year, but it all needs a lot of tuning. It's good to be working again, even if I'm not really doing all I can.
Today will be a busy one. I will work at home a bit, write some, work at the office a bit, run some errands, and hopefully in the midst of it have a little fun. Off I go. I need coffee. I really need coffee.

did I ramble? I think I was rambling again.

uncomfortable shopping

I suppose I get so used to just wanting things that sometimes when I actually can afford things it makes me a little uncomfortable to actually purchase something I have wanted or needed for awhile. Some time ago I decided that if I was getting anything back on my tax return I'd get two things: more storage for my puter (trust me, I need it) and a bike rack so that the kids and I can do some exploring about on our bikes. Of course, they don't fit in my little Yeep so we need a rack to get them anywhere other than our neighborhood. Today, I went to Amazon just to check these out and found these two items for a good price. In fact they were both between $25 and $50 less than I had expected to spend. A bargain. I put them in my cart and moved to check out. The total was right at $200. Not that much money in the big scheme of things. Still, something about just hitting "submit" on a $200 purchase of stuff that isn't a bill or food sort of freaked me out. It's stuff that I don't need, but want. I'm excited about getting it, but still a little weirded out that I can't cover it. I can easily, and planned on it. The money is there. It's not a credit purchase and it's really not that much money. So, what's the problem?
My goal is to get where I'm not so anxious about my money. Where I am in control. I'm not there yet. Yet.

k...enough rambling. Time to shower.

mystery seasoning and work

Until now I’ve really tried to leave work off my blog. Mostly because my job is less than gratifying and I’d really rather just leave it IRL. Also, if I complain too much I could really get fired and while it’s not my ideal job it does pay the bills and I’m not out working in the cold. That being said this is actually more about co-workers than my actual job.
First off, I know this isn’t always the most exciting of places, but I’d really, really appreciate it if my co-workers could simply stay awake for the entire 8 hours that they are here. I think this bothers me because for the most part I have at least 8 hours worth of work to keep me occupied and it just sort of pisses me off that they have time to sleep. Look, if it’s going to be alright for her (she’s hardly subtle) to take a siesta then my half-spanic ass wants one, too!
Secondly, stop asking me to your freaky “start up business” parties. I don’t want weird overpriced mystery seasonings that don’t have the ingredients listed. For the most part, I like to know what I’m eating, thank you. Also, the candle and home decorating parties are just not for me. I don’t know if they’ve noticed but I’m not in line for the Martha Stewart wannabe contest. I don’t want to go spend more time with anyone who actually is or for that matter anyone who would purchase the above listed items unless they were under familial duress to do so. Relatives have a way of suckering you into buying these things without you wanting to, but co-workers…not so much.
Third, I don’t want to sign up to bring food into the office on the whim of another person. I would highly appreciate my co-workers not assuming that I want to do a “themed” potluck without getting an office consensus on such a thing. I don’t want to eat anything they’ve made with the mystery seasoning and breakfast burritos make me want to vomit. Also, these things take time and effort when you aren’t predisposed to using prepackaged crap. If they really want me to bring something I’m bringing bacon. Period. Just bacon. I’m kind enough to bring bagels and schmear in every now and then out of the blue. They need to just say thank you and STFU.
Lastly, I am considerate enough to tell the PTA to shove it and just give them a donation every year so my kids and I are not tortured with taking a gift catalogue about and pressuring family and coworkers into buying a bunch of shit they don’t really want just so my kids can get some crap prizes that will break on the first day. I can actually buy them much better crap from a vending machine for two quarters instead. I know this is probably asking a lot, but I really would like for them to keep all that selling crap out of the office. I don’t need “quality” gift wrap. I don’t need a bow making kit. I am not buying annoying cow shaped lotion dispensers. I don’t need the freakin’ mystery seasoning that schools have joined the bandwagon on. What I need is to just grab the first catalogue offered and shred it. BAM! Is that clear enough?

Alright. My rant is done.

diet evil

my son and I 

Dorks 

R.I.P. Dr. Thompson

There is a lesson to be learned in life and I think perhaps better early on than later. People die. In our society we seem to want to hide this reality from not only ourselves but our children. The mistake here being the perception left that we can go on forever so live slow and long. I certainly down for the long part, but I have to admit the slow doesn’t appeal to me much. I think perhaps that’s why I respected H.S. Thompson so much. He was always flipping the slow and long in the face and shouting “fuck you” to the norm.
Today it’s been reported that Hunter S. Thompson put a bullet in his head ending his life at 67 years. While that isn’t exactly the shortest of lives it still isn’t that old. However, considering the activity and ferocity at which he lived I’d say he did pretty well. I have to say it didn’t surprise me at all to hear the news. He was a man that had no problem grabbing life by the balls and doing it his way. He went out the same way.
I have to say that old coot will be missed. It’s funny, because he’s always seemed like an old Colorado nutter to me even though he really wasn’t THAT old. I’m sure Aspen will be different with out him around, but then that’s just life.
Adios, Dr. Gonzo.

missing

I'm good at this thing called missing. It seems that I've spent a lot of time doing it. Missing my mother when I was growing up, missing my home when I had to move away, missing my grandparents now that they are dead, and now I'm missing Atlanta. Certaintly, missing a place I lived for 5 years isn't nearly as dramatic as the others, but it's very much heartfelt. I know that soon, within a few weeks probably, the daffodils will be popping their bright yellow heads up in search of spring. These will be soon followed by so many other flowers that abound around every corner of that city in late March and April. The weather will be warm and balmy and jackets will not be used much if at all. Yet here I am, still waiting out the winter. Outdoor flowers are long in coming and only those lovelies that I received for my birthday are here to give me cheer.
Apart from the natural beauties of Atlanta I am missing the places. The Dekalb County Farmers market which I have never seen anything to compare. Willy's burritos, dayum...they just hit the spot now and then and Chipotle has nothing on them. Driving down and around town late at night with all the bustle that a city has to offer.
And then there are my friends. I miss my talks with Martha about everything under the sun. I miss hanging out now and then with Alicia and just laughing and giggling about all sort of girl stuff. I miss the neighbors I had who would stop and talk sometimes for an hour or more.
I know that the decision I made was the right one for my children and myself, but that doesn't it make it easier to reconcile in my heart when I haven't found anything to compare to it here. Somehow the mountains with all their beauty just aren't as comforting as a dogwood blossom dancing lightly on a draft of warm air.

alright, I'm done whining now

Copy Cat redux

So, Abby had this posted on her blog (see my blog roll for that Troublemaker) so here are my answers:

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

I think it's around 2.5 G which isn't very much, but considering I only have a 10G harddrive it's a fucking LOT. I need an external or an Ipod.

What's the last CD you bought?

The new Jimmy Eat World

What is the last song you listened to before reading this message?

It was some French pop song. I have no idea and now it's gone.

Write down the 5 songs that you listen to a lot or that mean a lot to you. (I'm mixing it up between play a lot and mean a lot.)

1. Work by J.E.W. It's on my new CD and I keep playing it over and over really loud. It's getting annoying.

2. September by David Sylvian. It's such a beautiful song and it always reminds me of a friend I had in college that I lost touch with because of my marriage. He was a really great friend. And yes, he was just a friend.

3. Such Great Heights by The Postal Service. I don't know why I like this song as much as I do, and I don't know why it feels so comfortable and important. It just does.

4. Parabola by Tool. Such a great song.

5. I'll Fly Away. It always reminds me of my grandmother. She was awesome.

Who are you going to push this exercise on to?

You. Get on it.

k...done rambling now

February 14th

Today ROCKS!! I'm 36 today, so take that and put it in your back pocket.

by the way, how in THE hell did Robbie Williams get a recording contract? He's a cutie and in a few years might make a fantastic James Bond (if his acting is better than his music) but dayum....he needs to stop w/ the singing gig. ACK.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Smokers

As a rule I don't care if someone smokes. I am not a non-smoker that nags or complains about a smoker. Honestly, if they want to smoke great. Whatever. I like the smell of a freshly lit cigarette quite honestly, but am not inclined to take it up. What bugs me are the smokers that have no sense of humor about their habit. I mean here is an addiction (that's not a judgement call) that will make people go out in the freezing cold wintery weather to burn a cigarette! Sorry, but I am making sure all my addictions can be met where it's WARM.
Anyway, today a woman I work with was about to go out to have a cigarette and she was coughing this obvious smoker's cough, and I very jokingly said, "Have another one!" Her "witty" response? "Why don't you have another child?" um..WTF does this mean exactly? I'm a little perplexed how these corrolate in any way. Can someone help me on this one?

An actual e-mail

I received a "forward" the other day in my e-mail from someone I care about. The title of it was, "Let's see who is ACTUALLY reading their e-mail." Alright. Let's set something straight, while it is certainly something that is transferred from one e-mail account to another a "cute" forward is hardly an actual e-mail. Really, quite honestly, they are just about one step from being spam. And quite honestly some of the spam I get are more amusing than the forwards I get. The only effort or thought that was put into it was the actual reading of the thing, the thought "Oh, I should send this to so and so" and a couple clicks of the mouse. THESE ARE NOT ACTUAL COMMUNICATION WITH THE PERSON YOU FORWARD IT TO. Really, it's a little insulting when ALL you get are forwards from someone. My sister does this, bless her little heart. It drives me insane. I have no idea how she is, but I know that she thinks a story about a little boy cussing was worth forwarding to me. huh?
Now I have to admit I have received some that were worth a chuckle. Usually oriented toward work or politics. So, with all of this in mind I have created this guide to forwarding things to Smoooochie, or anyone with a fully functioning intelligence.

1. If it has hearts, unicorns, teddy bears or lame music box type music this is trash. You might actually need to go to confession if you even THOUGHT about forwarding it to someone else.
2. If it's a heartwarming story about friends that makes you think of the sappiest card Hallmark has ever offered in their long line of sappiness just click on delete. This is the kind of sick fetish that people will pay for. Please don't torture those of us that don't have that fucked up passion with it for free.
3. If it has anything about hippies, mullets, or rednecks we've seen it. Just move along to the next forward that you've subscribed to. I do not want to see it again.
4. If it's a warning about a potentially dangerous product, an idea to stay "safe" that is a little off center, or a way to get rich by e-mailing a large corp just check Snopes. If you still think it's legit tell me about it on the phone. I don't want that bullshit clogging up my brain with "what if?"
5. If I am going to have to hassle my friends by forwarding it to 10 other people so I can have good luck and you send it to me we are no longer friends and you will no longer be allowed to send even legitimate e-mails to me. Just don't do this. (There is one exception to this rule, but only one. I like those ones where you have to tell all your favorites and all your weird freaky behaviors. It's fun to laugh at you.)
6. If it's propaganda from a radical cultish group like PETA, the GOP, or basically any Christian organization I don't want it. I really enjoy fiction, but choose to get mine from Barnes and Noble.
7. There is no seven. Just remember I don't fucking want forwards if you can't actually spend a few minutes writing me actual correspondance that has to do with your well being. You are part of my life because I enjoy YOU. Let's not ruin a good thing because you don't have any etiquette with regard to the internet. I know, social skills are hard. Try.

Last, but certainly no least, I solemnly swear to refrain from forwarding things unless I too follow these simply rules.

k..I'm done rambling and bitching about this now.

Africa

South Africa, Lesotho, Swaziland, Namibia, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Malawi, Zambia, Angola, DRC, Rwanda, Burundi, Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Congo, Gabon, Eq. Guinea, Cameroon, Central African Republic, Sudan, Ethiopia, Somalia, Eritrea, Egypt, Libya, Chad, Nigeria, Niger, Algeria, Mali, Burkina Faso, Ghana, Togo, Benin, Cote D'Ivoire, Liberia, Sierra Leone, Guinea, Guinea Bissau, Gamia, Senegal, Mauritania, Morocco, Cape Verde Islands, Madagascar...I think I missed something. hmmm...I wanna go back to the first one and visit many of the ones inbetween. I long to travel. This is just one continent. There are many more to go. I hope I have time.

All About this Scary Conservative town

I am working on that top 20 list of books still. I'm at about 12 or so. Give me time.

Alright, so there is a company down the hall from my office called "All About God." This is not atypical of the type of thing in Colorado Springs. In fact it's pretty normal here. I did a simple Google search just using the words "Colorado Springs Christian" and lookie, lookie what I found. CHRISTIANS!! And a lot of them. I guess I'm just a little unnerved and experiencing some culture shock still. The area I called home for 5 years was a remarkable mix of religions and cultures. I had really become unaccustomed to so much homogeneity, and quite honestly I don't want to become accustomed to it. The bottom line I think is that it feels uncomfortable to me. O.K. I don't know where this is going. Anyway.

I just ran my fingers through my hair. I washed it this morning and took the time to blow it fairly straight. It really does affect the texture when I take the time to do something with it. It's so silky and soft right now. I have an appointment on the 12th to get about 4 inches of the length chopped. I really want something funky and yet sexy. I hope "Markie" can do that for me. We'll see. We'll see.
I was talking to a co-worker today about reading the classics. He was going to try to read The Top 100 Books of All Time at one point. He got to page 2 of #1. I can't say that I blame him. Ulysses has never really appealed to me. I was thinking about it and I don't know if I could come up with a top 100. That's a LOT of books. I'm thinking maybe a top 20. I'll get back to you on this one. I need to give it some thought. I think of the list I agree much more with the reader's list than the boards list.
Sadly I've been listening to a lot of pop radio recently. Actually, it's an internet radio station out of Paris, so there is a lot of stuff that would never make it here. There is some good and some crap. Like what does the world find so damned appealling about Beyonce? She seems rather unappealing to me. Like an old banana. On the other hand I still really like the various versions of "Bohemian Rhapsody." The new one by the Braids is nice. It sort of reminds me of the Fugees version a few years ago. Oh, and Natasha Bedingfield. I am so diggin' her. Go ahead. Kick me for that. It's o.k.
The "President" is about to come on. I am still irked about him getting another 4 years and not a little disturbed about the changes he's proposing. I suppose I should haul my ass upstairs and turn on the boob tube to watch the boob. Add that to my file.
Alright, so I owe my dear readers a list. I'll get on that after fucktard gets done rambling on and I read to my kids. hmmmmm...top books. Books are good.

Summer Memories on a Winter Night

Summer nights spent in my small comfortable bedroom on Norwood Avenue hold special memories for me. I remember the way the air would feel at night. The clarity of it was amazing. It was not only fresh and lightly scented, but it could carry sound like a concert hall. I would settle in my bed every night and listen to the sounds going on all about me as I was lulled into sleep. The train horn blowing gently in the distance as the crickets just outside chirped in harmony. A car would drive by occasionally with a quiet whoosh barely noticeable. Those nights were lucky if there was a breeze and we could hear it in the trees as the leaves would rustle with their pleasure at the winds touch. The sadness now that is created by this memory is not that it was a sad or unhappy place. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. The memory is so vivid and wonderful that when I stop remembering and realize that it is past it's like having been to Wonderland and realizing that Wonderland no longer exists. My little room in that little house is no longer available to me. It’s no longer mine, but someone else's home. It has changed so much as to not exist any longer. These are just memories that cannot be revisited in person to prove that they ever existed at all. I do have a few mementos that prove otherwise, but they are not that place. They are not what was my home.

compatibility

I think we all want some clue into who we are and aren't compatible with. I mean if we could lessen the odds of us getting hurt why wouldn't we? I took a test today that supposedly measures my biorhythms and compares them with other peoples. I'd like to believe it simply because it says that I was only 8% compatible with my ex. Unfortunately I can't believe that simply the date I was born compared to the date someone else was born makes compatibility or not. It doesn't take into account that a 99% biorhythm match might be a conservative Christian. ACK! Or a 20% match might have exactly the same interests and goals that I have. What a lot of poo. Still, wouldn't it rock if there were a mechanism that could just say "Move along, sista." or "WooT! He's the ONE!!" I know, I know. You just have to kiss a lot of frogs. I am just too Veruca for that. meh...whatevs.

neil and dave

MirrorMask

Alright, so while it might be something that you didn't know about me it's hardly a secret that I am a complete Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean fan. They are both brilliant. O.K. so when I was stumbling around Tribe.net this morning I remembered that I hadn't yet seen the trailer to MirrorMask. I'm stunned. I swear I almost pee'd myself. (Hi Willy!) I am so incredibly stoked to see this movie because it's not only Neil's story, but it looks like Dave's art come to life. It's just beautiful. Alright. I'm trying to calm down now.

hmmm...did I provide enough links? Well, if not I can do so in the next rambling session.

BLOG

I like this blog a lot:

a violently executed blog

(that's a hint to move your mouse over where it's purple and click the left mouse button or right if you are a left handed FREAK ;) or wait...do those l.h.f. still use the left mouse button. Oh for fuck's sake, click the damn link)

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO....5 things that make it worthwhile to get up in the morning and go to work, no matter what the weather? In Smoooochie™ land what are these things? (these aren't in order of importance, because obviously having my little monkeys tell me that they love me is A#1 top o' the line wake up material regardless of rain, sun or shine)

1. The hope that I'll get up, turn on CNN and G.W. (in 3rd world countries AND my house that stands for Great Whitey) will have tried pretzels again and failed miserably and Cheney will have had a coronary hearing the news. I say this because all the people below that would be cake to impeach.
2. My children will wake up and say, "I love you, Mommy."
3. Sensual treats from lands far, far away (this is fairly broad and includes all 5 senses)
4. More laundry...KIDDING!!!
5. Calls from people I care about (y'all are getting lax on this one. step UP.)
6. Sadly, (and yes, I get a six because #4 was a joke) Tribe. It's where I talk to my pals, think "aloud" about things that I need to think about, and get feedback about either things I've done or things I don't have the solution to. Please see the poem entitled "wired version 4.0" to explain this freakish need. Thank and my the glorious paw of Foamy touch your unworthy life.

Alright. There you have it. Love, senses, and freedom from tyranny. Not that much to ask right?


Alright, I'm done tispy rambling now. WooT!

My kids are sure to be gay

And I'm sooooooo a fag hag. After countless hours of watching Spongebob Squarepants episodes how could this not be true? I'm sorry, but what the fuck is James Dobson thinking? Honestly? Does he have nothing else to do but think about the sexual preference of cartoon characters? Do these people really think that by not hating, but being respectful, of people that are different is indoctrination into "the big flaming gay man's club?" I think they do. Check out this quote:

"Christian groups however have taken exception to the tolerance pledge on the foundation's Web site which asks people to respect the sexual identity of others along with their abilities, beliefs, culture and race.
'Their inclusion of the reference to 'sexual identity' within their 'tolerance pledge' is not only unnecessary but it crosses a moral line,' Dr James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, said in a statement on Thursday."

Oh, wait. So, if I'm a virgin (stop laughing, IT'S HYPOTHETICAL) and see that as my sexual identity the children that watch cartoons should be offended and wary of my freakishness? Or let's say I've choosen to be celibate is this also somehow crossing the moral line? OH hell!! What if I'm a black virgin!? Jeezy Creezy. What's next!? Asian asexuals? BLASPHEMY!!!

I wonder what these religious fanatics would answer if asked, "What would you choose if you had to~ your religion or love among all peoples?" I'm afraid of the answer.

My birthday girl. 

Birthdays, Coffee and Thoughts

It's probably too late for me to be posting anything coherent. So, if this is just a scrambled glob of poop go to one of the other posts. There are some really good ones back in November and December.
Today was Bronte's birthday. It's hard to believe that she's already 7. The first thing I thought when I saw her tiny little person was "What a funny little nose she has. She's so beautiful." She does have a funny little nose, and it is beautiful to this day. Her sparkly eyes and quick wit astound. It's an amazing thing to be a mother. It really is.
We went to Barnes and Noble and got decaf coffee for us all. Then Geoffrey and I proceeded to sing loudly (yes, I DID sing in public) to her. She didn't blush. She just smiled and sipped her caramel machiato. What a little princess. We looked at books a bit and they chattered away. It was good. A comfort.
Now, I'm alone and they are off visiting other places as they sleep. The dishwasher is swishing, the computer is humming and the quick clickety clack of the keyboard as I type are all the sounds that keep me company. It's like a strange yet familiar song. It's a good time to take time for me. Thinking. Writing. Dreaming. "We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams." I just realized I'm smiling.

My friends are amazing. Really!

I got some fantastic news about a friend of mine's business today AND about a friend who is buying an apartment today!! So, here is sort of a list of my amazing friends and the stuff they do regularly that is the most fantastic stuff! ***WARNING*** THIS GETS MUSHY AND IS HEARTFELT!! These aren't in any order, because how can you order wonderful?

I have a wonderful friend who is finishing up her PhD and doing it under the least favorable conditions. She amazes me everyday with her determination. Through it all she maintains her compassion and sense of humor. That is so fucking fantastic! OH!! AND she's in love with this fantastic man that supports her dreams and hopes and work. It's amazing to see them answer one another sentences. I love that. He works his butt off every week and then drives 3 hours just to see her. They really LOVE each other. Like deep down this shit is GOOOOOOOOOOD kind of love. It's inspiring.
Another friend of mine picked up her life, moved it a thousand miles or so and is rocking San Fran like a big ol' hurricane. She is always supportive and thoughtful in her feedback and even better I know that I can call her at anytime day or night and just talk. She is like a brick lighthouse! She is so full of moxie and independence that she always reminds me that it's alright to be alone and be ballsy in my decisions. She is so fierce. I love that girlie!
I have a friend who decided that his chosen career path wasn't really what he wanted to do even after years of schooling, so he started a company with a friend and now their stuff is going to be in VOGUE!! WTF? How freakin' rockin is THAT?? Wow!! I am so amazed at how much hard work that company has had to have taken. It just proves that hard work can really pay off if you just believe that it will.
Another friend of mine just got her a place in SF AND SHE'S totally in love with another friend of mine who quit his job to follow his dream of writing. O.K. So that is so major and wonderful and really, together they give me lots of hope and strength that sometimes things DO work out. That sometimes when you just don't expect it you find that one person who can echo back to you all that you need to hear just at the right moment. And they keep my faith alive that following your dreams is not ever a loss. I really adore those two.
Another friend of mine has the most rockin' job that takes him all around the world. While sometimes the travel part is tedious he really loves what he does and is completely committed to the goals that he's set in life. I really truly respect that. Dedication to self has been and continues to be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn, because I'm always so wrapped up in taking care of others. His commitment to something he loves reminds me daily that we ARE the center of our universe and no one else can ever be that for us. It's so important and I'm amazed at how he can do that with such ease. Still he is so loving and commited to his friends and family as well. He is completely amazing and wonderful.
I have a friend in Seattle that some people might consider a bit of a dreamer. Still, she has the biggest heart and I think that is so evident the moment you meet her. She has a face that just brings you in and captures your attention. She follows her heart and has fun. I think that is a lesson that everyone has to be reminded of now and then. Just have fun, man. I sometimes forget to tell her what a wonderful person she is, but well, she is.
Dayum....Where to do I even begin? These are just a few of my pals that totally amaze and astound me. I didn't mention Mynxy yet who without even touching on her pulchritude is tops with her wicked wit and her ability to dance circles around all of us regular sized humans. ;) And of course my dear sweet Scissors. I cannot describe him better than to simply say he is a true friend through thick and thin. I dearly love this man more than I can ever express and his happiness is always my deepest wish (um..I would say something here about mynxy, but that is prolly pushing it..heh.) I am really lucky to have him as my friend. But then I wish that for all of these wonderful people, because they give me so much happiness and love in return. O.K. yeah, I'm PMSing. So, what? I mean all this stuff and it's important to say that I love my friends because they need to hear it once in awhile. Besides I'm proud of these silly fuckers! Alright...done ranting now. WooT!

The week is ending. It's odd how our Christian calendars start with Sunday even though that is supposed to represent the day of rest, and that was the last day. Never the less, the day is almost done and another week is about to be introduced. I'm drinking a cup of Rooibos tea and hoping that my daughter isn't getting sick. She had a small family birthday party in her honor today and shortly after it was over she was laying down snoozing and not feeling well at all. Poor little monkey. Fortunately tomorrow isn't a school day so if she is sick she won't miss school. I'm listening to some mp3's I burned for Pecan awhile ago. The songs, the end of the week, and perhaps reading "The Wooden Sea" have made me thoughtful. Thinking of compromise in both it's good and bad forms, love, loyalty and how important good food is to bolster our souls.
Nora Jones "The Nearness of You" just came on. This version is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes nearly every time. My friend Frisbee and I were talking earlier about love. About how some people are made to be in a couple and that fits them, and how others just are content with being individuals and don't need that companionship to feel fulfilled. I am the former and she's the latter. She compared it to my feelings about sushi. Some people just adore it and it's the tops to them. Nothing better. And they have friends who they drag along for it that just don't care for it. They want to like it because it's soooooo pretty and it seems to make their friends so happy, but then that one bite and it's just not something they care for. I don't like sushi, but I do fit being in love. It fits me. I just haven't found the person it fits with. Still I know that I'm willing to make the good compromises when the opportunity comes along and willing to wait so I don't have to make the bad ones again.
I think that this mood has created a good place for me to write a few paragraphs on one of my works in progress. I like writing. That fits me as well.

half formed thought about jargon and how I have my own little world

I was just eating some basmati with a little ghee and realized how the words I chose might confuse some people. The ones that it doesn’t are obviously my friends and the ones that it does well, maybe they should get out more. I think I tend to use a lot of jargon that has direct bearing on the things that I enjoy. But then really who doesn’t. Have you ever heard a group of golfers talking. “I was on the 8th and par was 3. I bogey’d it.” Huh? It’s the same in all the various industries and the action item words that people use. The words that I use that might alienate people are the same thing. They are just my action items for things that I have found relevant in my life. It’s not REALLY to exclude or to include, but just how I choose to describe, express or explain the things going on in my life.

wired version 4.0

A poem dedicated to all my internet pals.

wired version 4.0

One addiction. Really that’s it. O.K. soooo, really it’s at least three or maybe just two. I admit it. Three right now.
(password …is it this one?)
I’m an addict disguised as a geek. A hardcore internet addict with a constant need for continuous connection. Did I mention the caffeine issue?
(yesssss, send me the link)
How much RAM do you have? Does your cell have T9? These are qualifiers, Bub. If you have less than 20 gig on that thing then get to steppin’.
(IneedaCokeIneedaCoke)
You know, five hours of sleep is just not enough. Fuck. I know this, but I was blogging.
(Google.. Image… Monkey…)
Yeah, my DSL was down last night so I went over to Starfuckingfucks
(venti americano with wifi, please)
Are you LAUGHING? You think this itch is funny? Put down that cigarette before you burn yourself and listen to meeeee. It ’s not funny, this info junkie feenin’ for another, a little connectivity and caffeination, fix. Hold on. I gotta text message.
(hmmm…I ’m loved)
I have a list of needs: an iPod, a pocket PC, a Bluetooth adapter and headset. This is serious. Did you SEE that new PDA?
(Ineedacoffeebad,bad,bad)
Dial up? Should I sneer or simply walk away? I don’t have time for that. Veruca needs it NOW, dammit! Did you just say I should “log off?” Is the implication here that I should “unplug.” This ain’t the motherfuckinG Matrix.
(Was that my phone?)
You don’t even speak the language so have another drink and hear what I’m saying. Modern day addiction to wires, wireless, techie talk and in-for-ma-tion. Junkie to a junkie, I’m just sayin’.

smoooochie™ 1/12/05

MY Colorado

This remarkably bright morning I was driving to work trying to avoid slick, icy patches when I noticed the mountains and how they were so different than two days ago. The whole mountain had been carefully sprinkled with snow just so that the barren dirty spots were now perfectly white and the trees had been lightly frosted over each one now being more distinguishable than before. The darkness of the pine trees being a marked shaped upon a mountain of white. This all set against the bluest of blue skies. A breathtaking phenomenon I think that may be due the altitude or maybe because of the crispness of the cold air. It’s really irrelevant why, but key that it is. I noticed how, high up above tree line, Pikes Peak seemed to be being erased by the snow blowing at the top. The wind whipping the white crystals up and around just enough to blur the usual distinct outline of the mountain against the sky. This is the Colorado that I longed for when I was so far away.

kisses for 2005 

casual

I’ve been presented with the idea of “casual” recently and I’m having such a hard time understanding what that entails. I don't think I know how to be casual. For me it means that you are sort of ambivalent about things. I don’t really keep things in my life that I’m ambivalent about. I think for me things can be casual like a casual dress, casual setting, a casual conversation. Although with the friends I have it’s rarely ever as laid back as it might appear to be. There is always this intensity in the conversation even when it’s joking that’s present. Even so, I don’t understand the concept of a casual relationship. I associate casual relationships as not very important. Why would I want to waste my time on a relationship (friend or romantic) that isn’t moving forward and building something solid for both parties? Otherwise it’s just an acquaintance and any time spent with that person will be just on chance. That’s casual I suppose, but it’s not something that really interests me.
Outside of hanging out with my friends, I'm usually so intense with everything I don't really know what that means. I am not a casual mother even though we don’t have a strict schedule. I’m not really casual at work either. I like to make things efficient so I have time for more. I don’t take myself that seriously, but I’m not ambivalent about who I am at all. I think all of the time and not usually casual thoughts, but things like “What the fuck is casual?” How does one stop this process and let things be casual? How can I learn to compartmentalize things that are bothering me so I can relax enough to be casual? Maybe I don’t fully understand what casual is in order to let myself be that way? Maybe it’s something I don’t want to be anyway, but I just don’t get it enough to really make that assessment.
What is casual? I feel like a casualty of casual.

2004

What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?

Went 120 mph on a motorcycle.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?

Yes, I haven’t touched sushi all year. WooT.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, two adorable little babies. A friend of mine that I’ve known since I was 13 and my best friend had one. It’s awesome.

Did anyone close to you die?

No, not yet.

What countries did you visit?

I went through Texas. Does that count?

What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?

Someone who adores me, more $$ so it’s not so tight all the time, a motorcycle

What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 15th. It’s when I got back to Colorado.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Trying out a career I’ve been interested in.

What was your biggest failure?

Not moving somewhere that I am happy with.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I got this freaky stomach thing. The Dr.’s at Emory never figured it out and for the most part it’s gone, but every now and then comes back.

What was the best thing you bought?

Who knows? Ultimately it's just stuff.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My children, because they are so awesome.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My ex-husband, George Bush, Tom™. I’ll keep my personal opinions on each one to myself. Fuckheads.

Where did most of your money go?

To making sure my kids are housed, fed and clothed.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Any one of my trips to SF

What song will always remind you of 2004?

Slackers~ have the time

Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?

Hard to say. Each year has a little of both.

thinner or fatter? same
richer or poorer? Poorer, Colorado is fucking expensive.

What do you wish you'd done more of?

Hiking or doing outdoors stuff w/ my children

What do you wish you'd done less of?

Wasting time on the phone w/ boys.

How will you be spending Christmas?

With my mom, aunt and cousins. My babies are going to Georgia.

Did you fall in love in 2004?

Yes. It hurt, thus the fall part.

What was your favorite TV program?

Overhauled (please someone tell them how rockin’ it would be for my Yeep to get overhauled. PLEASE!!! Yes, I’m begging.)

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, why bother wasting that much emotion.

What was the best book you read?

Stiff by Mary Roach

What was your greatest musical discovery of 2004?

Oh hell…um…um…just one? Too many ambient and downtempo groove things to even start naming just one.

What did you want and get?

A blog of my very own!

What did you want and not get?

A motorcycle and all the ecoutrements, true love (not to bleve)

What was your favorite film of this year?

Um………I “heart” Huckabees

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I went to SF and partied my ass off w/ my friends. It rocked. I was 35.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Less drama regarding men. Next year fuck it.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?

Global Fusion

What kept you sane?

Who said anything about being sane?

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jason Statham, DUH!!

What political issue stirred you the most?

The fact that George Bush is less of an idiot than 51% of the population that re-elected him.

Who did you miss?

I will always miss my grandmother more than anyone I’ve ever known. She was my hero.

Who was the best new person you met?

This is an unfair question. Frisbee is right up there, though. She is an amazing person and really an amazing echo.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Stop being so damn serious, and that it’s alright to be 100% honest to people you love. That was the hardest one, because it was so deeply ingrained that I had to deny being me, and now I don't. It's really wonderful to not have to try to be something that I'm not.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Times Like These (01) (Jack Johnson)
in times like thesein times like those
what will be will beand so it goes
and it always goes on and on
and on and on it goes
and theres always been laughing, crying, birth, and dying
boys and girls with hearts that take and give and break
and heal and grow and recreate and raise and nurture
but then hurt from time to times like these
and times like those
what will be will be
and so it goes
and there will always be stop and go and fast and slow
action, reaction, sticks and stones and broken bones
those for peace and those for war
and god bless these ones not those ones
but these ones made times like these
and times like those
what will be will be
and so it goes
and it always goes on and on
and on and on it goes
but somehow i know it wont be the same
somehow i know itll never be the same

poppies

This is a new version.

poppies

the sunset petals gone
poppies laughed in my garden, longing, lonely days since
their faces, smile and texture, no longer clear
slender bodies swaying to evening breezes, sensual memory

an old poem

Laughter

Reading poetry, the words so carefully

aligned and placed,

I can't help but feel the poets

hysterical over the jokes they've played.

To gain and graps the attention of thousands,

perhaps even more,

with the description of a though, a mood,

a dirty scene.

Certainaly they are all laughing

at me, and at you, as we

pry and prod for thoughts now past.

Can't you see the joke?

These thoughts, that perhaps mean nothing,

are past.

Why do you care how T.S. Elliot

metered his life?

Or that nobody was Emily D.

The tee-hee's invade every syllable, every word,

and resonate into a smile of my own.

I wrote that a long time ago.

My axis of evil

The U.S. has decided that there is this "Axis of Evil" out there. Countries that do stuff we don't like or agree with. I have decided that I have a list for my own personal "Axis of Evil." Here is the start:

George Bush
minivans
soccer moms
people who use the words "values" and "morals" as a basis for discrimination
sushi
hamsters
drivers who go lower than the speed limit in the left hand lane
liars
manipulators
U.S. foreign policy and the lack of
Donald Rumsfeld
clowns
free radicals
heartbreak
non-foodies, expand a little people
reality TV

Alright, that's a good start.

Online nicknames

Alright, while someone named Smoooochie probably doesn't have much room to talk I just want to pause and reflect on the nicknames people choose to use in online communities, chatrooms, etc.
First of all, stop with the damn "Matrix" names. How many people can be named after the characters in that movie? LOTS! If you like the movie that much be original and go with Keanu Lawrence, or CarryKickAss. For heaven's sakes at least it would be original. To be honest Morpheus just puts me to sleep. (eww...that was bad) Shit, for that matter if you have to name yourself after a famous movie character just give in and admit that you like to watch reruns of Barney, as well. (And no, Smoooochie has NOTHING to do w/ the movie...at ALL)
Secondly, if your name is something common, and I mean common like Tom, Dick, Dumbass, don't be just a Tom, a Dick or a Dumbass. Add an initial or something so that when people go to search for you later they don't come up with 8 pages of dumbasses to search through. Because quite frankly searching through 1 page of Dick...wait...searching through more than one page of Tom is way too much. (heh)
Lastly, it's 4 o's. Not three. Not 2. Not a whole freakin' line long. Just 4. It's really quite simple. So, much so that the guys at Starschmucks could get it so I know all these intelligent geeks who live on the web (yes, I'm talking about most of my pals and myself again) can figure it out.

Alright, I'm done w/ my rant. Move along to the next blog.

legos, lite brite and other little parts

The holiday has created a feeling of chaos that I would really have much rather avoided. All the cooking and preparation have led to feeling very behind in the rest of my daily activity. It was too much for too little return this year. I'm not saying that the time with my cousins wasn't enjoyable, but for me Thanksgiving day has always seemed a bit of an anti-climax to all the pre-day excitement. And now I just feel like I have forgotten to do something important and don't know what it is. So, I'll continue to go room to room cleaning the house, searching each crack and crevice for lite brite pieces, lego parts and whatever papers might have been set down because something more immediate came up. All of which just leads me to hoping that Christmas will be a different story. One with less chaos and anticipation of something fabulous that doesn't materialize. I'm hoping it doesn't sort of just evaporate like a pot of boiled water you actually intended for tea. Perhaps intention will save the day, but it's really hard to avoid the buy in of "stuff" when you have little ones. This is all just post-Thanksgiving frustration and hesitancy to move further into the season. The work, the effort and the chaos will perhaps pay off into something magical for me as well as my babies. As NeeNee would say, "Only time will tell."

Fatkins Rant

I actually posted this on Tribe.net, but was happy with it so I'm double posting it for all you non-Tribers (still don't understand that, but hey...whatevs)

Someone asked what was wrong w/ Fatkins. Well, I'll tell you my problem with it. How often have you gone into a restaurant you really like and the menu has changed to satisfy kosher or vegan diets? Now how often have restaurants jumped on the bandwagon to satisfy Fatkins? Have you ever been on a nice dinner date only to have your date pick their food apart just so they don't get one fucking carb? Trust me, it sort of ruins the meal. If it were something that people just did rather than crusaded it would fine, but it's not that way. It's a marketing crusade and it's fucking annoying. "They don't have low carb beer here. Can we go to another bar?" NO! Shut the fuck up and have WATER. grrrr... *steps off the soapbox*

If that's not enough for you check out www.illwillpress.com click on toons and see Foamy (my lord and master) rant away about the evils of Fatkins.

A new version of an old photo. Thanks Yanni! 

Stand up

Someday when I get brave or stupid enough I'm going to do an amateur night at a comedy club. Here's part of the act.

"Have you ever noticed that the people who push the wheelchairs at the airports are only about one step from needing to be the ones in the wheelchairs? It's as if they took all the Wal-mart greeters that could actually walk farther than 50 feet and gave them the better paying "wheelchair pusher" position at the airport. In Memphis they appear to have only had one candidate so they just cloned her. I swear I saw the same woman walk by going the same direction 3 times in a five minute period."

tea time

There are few things as comforting as a nice cup of hot tea or as refreshing as cold glass of iced tea. That being said there are few more product more ridiculously marketed than tea. Who are these people that create the marketing? It’s like watching a really bad soap opera on Spanish television. I realized this as I was having a cup of “Bengal Spice” and writing an e-mail the other night. I realized that “Bengal Spice” sort of sounds like tiger piss and regardless of how yummy that tea is (it’s goooood) I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.
The marketing is primarily on the boxes of tea rather than in other more common means of media. I have rarely seen a commercial or advert for tea here in the U.S. The boxes are really quite amazing, and granted there are some dull boxes of tea but not as many as really snazzy ones. The boxes invariably have witty or thoughtful quotes, drawings on them that give you a sense of how the tea will make you “feel”, and then to top it off ridiculous descriptions of the tea. One of my favorites (descriptions, not the tea) is, “A single cup of ###### has been known to have the same effect as sitting for 45 minutes in a mountain meadow on a sunny day with your shoes off.” So, if you sit for 45 minutes with your shoes on you cannot get the same effect as this tea. And if you sit for 50 minutes or 40 minutes or anything other than 45 minutes you will not get the same effect as this tea. It’s VERY specific. Or this one at the end of a paragraph describing the ingredients, “Tuck yourself into a private nook, and escape to an enchanting land of pure natural indulgence.” Oh for fuck’s sake. It’s not even real TEA!! It’s just a bunch of dried orange rinds and spices left over!
You know that brings me to a solid point. Actual tea doesn’t dress up to make you want it. “Strong Tea. Great Value.” How is that for straight forward? I think the marketing people just figure if you wanted a cozy getaway you’d just sip on some trail mix steeped in water, but if you want TEA you will have TEA!
And with that I’m off to go have a bath. It will be Smoooochie Tea. Ew…

wtf? I need a hobby. 

grey day sashes

The greyness of the day has settled into the half-hearty snow we received over the past day and a half. The mood fits the crooning of Jack Johnson coming from the beige speakers connected to my beige computer. Or is it putty? Either way it’s as non-descript as the outline of the grass outside. Sparse blades of grass prickle through their downy cover. I haven’t been outside this morning, but am sure that the sounds are clear and crisp as if to mock the grey, cloudy surrounding. It’s a pleasant and expected contrast that those in snowy regions take for granted, just as those in warm climes take thunderstorms as par for the course rather than something special. Today resembles my constitution as I’m in a fit of putty and bland. I want some excitement; a little bit of red in my plethora of grey. But what? A movie? Reading all day with some hot beverage by my side? A pad of paper and my thoughts? Only the day will tell and in it’s muted state I suspect that it won’t give me an answer. So, it’s up to me to create a gash on this blank sheet. Isn’t that the way?

I’m off to buy paper. I have ink and water colors. It’s time.

In Memory of~

My best friend died 7 years ago today. I was fortunate to have her in my life and even more fortunate that she was not only my dearest friend, but my grandmother. Here is the eulogy I wrote for her.

"11/14/97

Trying to capture NeeNee into words is trying to capture a smell or a feeling. Wherever she went there was home. Now that she has past we have to find that part of ourselves, that essence of her, and reconstruct and redefine it to find our home. It is not that our home was lost. It has been altered and can be found by the recollection of the large and minute conversations, interactions, hugs, handholds and kisses. The pain of loss seems somehow to collect the years of memories and flash them before our eyes as if we were the ones about to pass. Does this composite of recollection form a myth or does it solidify what we knew the truth to be? Either way it is this that we carry with us of our lost one into the future. We were so lucky that NeeNee gave us the strength, love and the ability to learn to help us redefine our lives without her.
Where does this leave us? Not as the limbs of a tree whose trunk has died, but as a diamond formed by turmoil, pressure, and difficulty. NeeNee was always the center, but now we must form a chain, each link being connected to form a whole."

I love you, NeeNee. I will miss you always.

Not for the feint of heart

This first link is really something I would suggest people not reading if the "F" word offends them. However, it's pretty fucking hilarious and pretty fucking accurate as well. http://www.fuckthesouth.com/

Secondly, I watched a dentist drill and pull and prod and bloody my little girls mouth today. For the most part I was o.k., but when they were fitting the caps on her teeth and I could see the gums just taking a beating and then a little bloody spit sort of shot out onto her lip I really about lost it. So, rather than look like I was going to lose it I just closed my eyes and stretched. I think if it had been anyone else it wouldn't have phased me much. Still, that was my baby they were working on. She was a true champ though. She's been moaning about not getting to eat anything of substance, so that's a good sign.

I'm reading this book called Stiff. I think I mentioned it before. It is so hilarious. This woman is talking about corpses and yet I find myself laughing harder than I have at a book in some time. I really would type an excerpt, but it would have to be quite a long one as it seems she goes back sometimes several paragraphs to make a joke about her initial point. Oh alright...I'll do it. In this passage she is in a room w/ 40 cadaver heads. Yes, just heads. There are 80 or so surgeons brushing up on their face lifting skills and being instructed by some of "America's top face-lifters."

'"Isolate the brow as a skin island." The narrator speaks slowly, in a flat tone. I'm sure the idea is to sound niether excited and delighted at the prospect of isolating skin islands, nor overly dismayed. The net effect is that he sounds chemically sedated, which seems to me like a good idea.'

Anyway, the book is a delight an not nearly as morbid as it might sound. And on that note I'm off to read about what they used to do with the cadavers AFTER they were done with them back in the 1800's (remember what they made the soap with in Fight Club?)

Look at her BUTT!! It's just so...

If I've ever met you in person I probably have checked out your butt. That's right. I have probably checked out your ass. Why? I don't know. It isn't based on sexual attraction, but more out of curiosity and comparison. It's something I just DO. I notice everyone's ass and I mean everyones. Maybe it's because people are always commenting on mine, even in a tongue in cheek sort of way, but maybe I am just overly aware of bums because mine seems to, at some point, end up the topic of conversation.
It gets even worse because I tend to point out butts to whomever I am with. "Hey, check out that girl's ass. Those jeans look great on her." or "OMG, does he even have an ass? It looks like two legs and a back." I have had mixed reactions from friends, but for the most part I think my pals expect things like this from me. It's o.k. They do weird things like whistle to cars expecting them to follow them home, take three hour long baths, or knit during business meetings.
Even so, I do try to contain this "observational habit" to merely glancing when around family members or business associates. Well, at least I don't make comments. I mean saying, "Wow, you've got a great ass!" to my cousin's boss would just be awkward and even a little weird for me. Please note I've never seen my cousin's bosses ass. That was merely an example. However, I would definitely take a look.

"Why I love the authors I do." a blog entry by Smoooochie

One of my favorite authors of all time is Neil Gaiman. He has entertained me and delighted me in his darkness and light, his fantastical and thoughtful. Even better he makes me laugh. Here is one entry to his blog I'd forgotten that did just that. (www.neilgaiman.com)

'Friday, June 11, 2004 Whales, beavers, unborn rabbits and barnacle geese, actually posted by Neil Gaiman 6/11/2004 10:17:34 PM I need to start listening while I'm talking. I was having an incredibly respectable telephone conversation with an extremely respectable person this afternoon, and the subject wandered over to Basque whalers, the way that it does, and I was explaining that whale meat was one of the few red meats that the Catholic church historically allowed to be eaten on Fridays and during Lent. "And, oddly enough, beaver was classified as a fish too," I explained earnestly and helpfully and accurately. "So on Fridays and during Lent people used to eat beaver." There was the sound over the phone of a very respectable and respected person making a sputtering sort of snorting noise, and I noticed that statement was capable of meaning rather more than I'd meant it to... '

Another of my favorites is a actually a friend of Gaimans. I didn't know this until much after I'd begun reading him. He is Jonathan Carroll, an expatriate who resides in Vienna. I have only just started reading his blog, but have read the majority of his books. However, I'm so not going to type out any of my favorite passages. Just trust me on this one. "Outside the Dog Museum" is one of the most amusing, thoughtfully books I've read. Period. Not read in the last however long. Just ever. Read it. Go..now..the library has it. (http://www.jonathancarroll.com/indexframes.html)

I like this one. 

a ramble about some of this and that

This morning was rough. Awakened at 6:51 on a Saturday after staying up much too late reading. Still a couple cups of coffee and a few handfuls of tropical trailmix and the world seems a better place. Even better the weather channel is predicting an unseasonable 77 degrees. WooT! THAT is one of the delights of Colorado. You'll have snow on Monday and by saturday you are back in shorts.
I'm listening to Nora Jones and sort of recollecting some of the things I read last night. Still reading "A Confederacy of Dunces" by John Kennedy Toole. I'm making a real push though because I have a couple library books I checked out last week that I want to get on. Even more so because the book I put on reserve came in. The library here seems to be the most progressive part of the town. I actually get e-mail notifications! Shock and suprise. I'm getting "Stiff: the Curious Lives of Human Cadavers" by Mary Roach. I've been wanting to read that book since it came out and just haven't. I'll let you know if it's a real live one or not. heh

Alright, so Ignatius in "CoD" wrote a letter to this girl who is rather offensive and brash, but most likely the only human on the planet that would consider having sex with his mass of pink, jiggly flesh. She was saying that she was going to start doing lectures at the Y on one of her crackpot save the world ideas. His response:
"On the dark night of that dubious lecture, the sole member of your audience will probably be some desperately lonely male librarian who saw the light in the window of the lecture hall and hopefully came in to escape the cold and the horrors of his personal hell. There in the hall, his stooped figure sitting alone before the podium, your nasal voice echoing among the empty chairs and hammering boredom, confusion, and sexual reference deeper and deeper into the poor wretch's bald skull, confounded to the point of hysteria, he will doubtlessly exhibit himself, waving his crabbed organ like a club in despair against the grim sound that drones on and on over his head."

This image sort of both made me cringe and laugh at the same time. Sometimes life is like that. Both a trainwreck and amusing at the same time. It's at those times you can just stare and laugh I think.

I realized this morning that my world has seemed rather non-descript and somewhat without form since I moved here. It's been like living with a continuous torrential rain. However, it isn't at all without form or construct. I was wrong. I am just caught up in a storm of change and indecision. The monsoon season will soon be over I'm hoping and I will be able to see the true solidity of what MY world is made of. All through it I've had strong, wonderful friends and family supporting me. What a lucky gal I am. I say that sort of off the cuff, but it's really true.

On the brink

Where did all this stuff come from? How did my house get full of stuff AGAIN!!!??? I just moved and already I feel the need to have a garage sale. How does this happen in the span of 3 months? I don't want all this crap in my house. I want ONE bucket of crayons, not 6 or 7 little containers. I want ONE bookshelf for the kids. I want ONE bookshelf for me. It's not even like it's cluttered because I like to decorate. When it comes to interior design I am the antithesis of Martha. Yet, my house is full of furniture all the sudden. Granted it's nice to have a couch to sit on, but damn I want more open spaces. Less stepping on, over and around STUFF. This weekend I'm throwing out and condensing. I will pretend I'm like the Reader's digest and cut out all that fluff. Who am I kidding? *sigh*

Rage and Fury in fhe face of the approximate~

Today the question was made, “What does the world think of us now?” After working so long in international studies and meeting so many people from around the world I am painfully aware of what the world has thought of America for some time. While there are mixed reviews I think the verdict is in that we are a nation of greedy sloth, a federation of idiots, 50 states full of sheep. That is what the WTC was about. That is what Osama Bin Laden is about. That is what Bush being re-elected is about. We have allowed the idea that “It’s good enough” override the idea of “Let’s do better.” Bush is a prime example of how mediocrity is rewarded in this country. People like him because he is simple enough to make them look smart. People like him because he doesn’t flub words like “moral” or “truth” but don’t recognize that he doesn’t understand the concept behind even simple words that he can pronounce. People like him because he says “Trust me,” and then they don’t have to think for themselves. After all, he is the president so why shouldn’t we trust him? Why shouldn’t we indeed? For me the answer is clear and fairly simple. You don’t trust people that have lied to you once you can prove that they’ve lied. You don’t follow people who don’t mind making money from other people’s bloody sacrifice. You don’t accept a job done poorly when it is the most powerful position in the world. At least I don’t. I refuse to compromise when it comes to the foundations that I know this country to be founded on. He is NOT my leader, and doesn't represent me. I suggest reading “Atlas Shrugged” if you haven’t AND reading “1984” and “Animal Farm” again. They aren’t far fetched literature anymore, because between Ayn Rand and George Orwell, this administration has been portrayed to a T and it’s a disgrace. I’m very angry about the acceptance of mediocrity by the people of my country. I’m very angry that the judgmental idea of “moral value” can override the blatant and horrible facts of national security, economy, and war. I’m saddened and hurt, but mostly I’m disappointed and angry. Still, I don’t have to accept half-assed mediocrity into my life, and I won’t. After all, who is John Galt?
Sometimes we just need a little strength to regroup. This has often given me some~

"In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not use lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of you battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours." ~Ayn Rand

Vote

I'm not going to say that Kerry is the end all be all here. I'm not going to say that you should vote for any particular candidate. What I am going to say is go vote. Granted the choices suck. But to quote Michael Moore, "Buying a car sucks, but that hasn't ever stopped you from buying a car." Just go vote.


See you at the polls.

cold hurts

I woke up this morning to a world covered in snow and ice. Not a lot, just a few inches. The wind was blowing most of the night hard enough for the house to creak a little and it felt like a true snowstorm. The first one of the season always holds a certain excitement for me even now. Unfortunately, the cold for me also brings discomfort. It started in my early 20's. Cold equals pain. It's mostly this major distraction in my hands, and today my left wrist. I hate that. The advantage of Atlanta was that there were only a few days really cold enough to create this effect, but now I'm looking at a long season of it again. I think I might go see a doctor about it (again). I wonder why this happens. I've been told it's not arthritis, but then what is it? Still, I'm going to keep looking out the window and enjoying this first snow. It's another thing I did really miss about being so far away from here...minus the hurting part.

Smoooochie Witch 

chihuahua

Deep down inside of me I must long to be hairless. I think about how much time, money and pain I've spent on removing hair from my body and it's astounding. Razor blades alone are a huge cost in maintaining a somewhat hairless body. I think the last ones I bought were somewhere around $8 for four! Still better buy the good ones than get cuts from the cheapies right? I haven't used less expensive ones in a long time, so I don't know that it's true. I'm only speculating. I'm a little afraid of the bloody results that could occur in experimentation. Even so, the more expensive method is probably costing me well over $100 a year just to have hairless legs and armpits. I guess that isn't that much, but when you figure I've been shaving for 20 years it adds up.
Next: the insanity of waxing. I really feel like it pays to have someone else wax my eyebrows and upper lip. Unfortunately, I can't always find the time or the extra $$ to do so. It feels like being pampered when someone else does it, but the effects are the same. Nice clean brow line and no moustache. Fantastic! Still, who the hell puts hot wax on their face and rips out the hairs? I do. It's crazy, and yes, it hurts. Still, beauty knows no pain (to an extent anyway). I've had my legs waxed and actually that is somewhat relaxing. I would do this more often, but it's expensive and the inbetween weeks with fuzzy legs is less than pleasing. I've had my bikini area done and what the hell was I thinking. No, I'll stick to the old razor and shaving cream method for there. Seriously, I was bruised for weeks! Even worse I paid cash for it. WTF?
So, this is probably way more information than any of you wanted. I was just thinking though. It's really a lot of time and effort to keep up being hairless. Even so, it's better than the alternative.

Clean house

How does one keep a house clean when there are kids without making that the only thing done? I like doing other things that cleaning. I like talking to my friends, watching movies with my kids, baking pies, etc. I HATE cleaning up. Seriously, despise it. I do it because I don't want my house to look like a total pigsty, but at the same time it still always looks lived in. I long for a house that is just open and empty of clutter, but I don't know how to get there. Any suggestions? Maybe I should just toss everything I haven't used in the last 3 months. Still, that gets rid of a lot of memories. I don't know. It's overwhelming and it's not something I was ever really trained to do growing up. I never had to clean up, cook, do laundry, etc. My only responsibility was to get good grades. I did that. Am I doomed to have a messy house until Geoffrey and Bronte are older? Even just managing to keep all their papers and stuff picked up feels like a major task. How do people with more than 2 kids do it? I guess just dig in and do it. That is the only way. *sigh*

Bronte at her award ceremony. 

Congrats to Bronte

She's won an award at school. It's for treating others with respect and kindness. She has been helping out with a girl in her class who is handicapped and they've become good friends. Really this isn't surprising from either of my children though. They are both wonderful and kind. I really am lucky.

An accurate photo of me (moreso than my driver license) 

Cake or death

Actually, I'll take pie. I don't know why exactly, but cake just doesn't do much for me. The same with ice cream. There are exceptions, but for the most part I'd rather have pie for dessert than these other things. Just to clarify I'm counting tarts in this catergory since they have a crust that is filled with yummy stuff. Yummm...pie. Even so, I'm fairly particular on the types of pie and how they are made. I love fruit pie, but not when it's so syrupy sweet that you can't taste the fruit. After all it's fruit pie, not sugar pie with fruit. My grandmother used to make the most incredible apple pie. She'd always add just enough sugar so the apples were sweet, but you knew it was apple. Boy, that woman could make a great pie. Custard type pies get a much lower ranking for me than fruit pies. There is something about the consistancy that just doesn't thrill me. However, every now and then I get a craving for Key Lime. It's sort of custardy. Pumpkin pie isn't very high up there either. Which is curious since I really like Sweet Potato Pie (there is one in the oven right now) a lot and they are very similar. I think it's just the whole flashback to eating nearly an entire pumpkin pie one year at my great-grandmother's. Mincemeat is alright. Pecan pie is just too sweet for me. I can see why people really like it, but my tasteybuds just can't do super sweet. Still pecans are super yummy. I wonder if I can make a less sweet version.
Actually, when I lived in Atlanta I'd tease that I could forgive just about anything if I was presented with a fruit tart from Alon's (yes, this IS the most awesome bakery I've ever had the fortune to frequent.) These tarts are phenomenal. Not too sweet, not too much custard in the bottom, nice crispy light crust. Jeezy creezy, I'm having a craving now for one of those like you wouldn't believe. But then I've been missing Atlanta a lot today (after finding out how much spices in the grocery stores cost compared to the Dekalb County Farmer's Market)
Alright, so I like pie. I'm good at making pie. It's yummy.

(still feeling a little silly about blogging)

full on blog

I don't have anything to say just this moment so have an appetizer. It's been aged. The main course will be out later.


clouds
cold
quiet frost
red in a plethora of grey
(1987, by v.k.)

Nowhere in Africa

Yesterday I spent part of my day watching a movie called "Nowhere in Africa." It was about this Jewish couple that moved to Kenya during WWII. The movie itself was fairly interesting, but more importantly it got me thinking about Africa again. Although I hated the professors because they were not nice people, I really did enjoy my time in African Studies at Emory. I really learned so much. I am so much more aware of that continent and currently of all the troubles that are there.
I have been keeping up with various websites that report on the condition of the various places and it's just so much that we don't hear about in our papers. It frustrates me that these millions of people can be living without something so simple as iodized salt for their children or that they can be in the middle of a war zone and yet our press finds ONE C.A.R.E. worker being held captive in Iraq more newsworthy. I get so angry at the hypocrisy of our governments "foreign policy" and our "free press's" ability to cover ONLY the political agenda of the current administration.
I was looking at another movie on TV last night and a commercial came on for the Christian Children's Fund came on. I have serious problems with organizations like that. I know that their intentions are probably very good, often their agenda is often more than feeding and immunizing the community. Other organizations that deal with refugees, while not prosthelitizing, still have major issues with corruption and inability to distribute the goods in a timely manner. It's such a difficult problem, and again we are so oblivious to it because no one tells us. As for me sponsoring someone this is the route I go. I have a dear friend in Uganda right now who actually sponsors a child every year personally from the community she lives in. She pays for the school tuition and helps with books, etc. Every year she asks her friends to pitch in to help. Because of my connections with Emory and UCT I know a couple of people that take books to the library in one of the Cape Town townships. Last year I donated a number of Geoffrey and Bronte's books and pitched in a couple new ones.
Anyway, this is where the movie led me. I think that Africa will always be an interest to me. Cape Town felt too much like home for me not to go back. I didn't get to see it all or feel and taste it all. Africa is such a big place with so many governments and so much constant change. The political, economic, environmental and social structures are too much too keep track of even in just one region, but at the same time it's worth trying to know. While we are up in arms about the minutia of the middle east there are people and things in Africa that deserve that outrage, as well.