An actual e-mail

I received a "forward" the other day in my e-mail from someone I care about. The title of it was, "Let's see who is ACTUALLY reading their e-mail." Alright. Let's set something straight, while it is certainly something that is transferred from one e-mail account to another a "cute" forward is hardly an actual e-mail. Really, quite honestly, they are just about one step from being spam. And quite honestly some of the spam I get are more amusing than the forwards I get. The only effort or thought that was put into it was the actual reading of the thing, the thought "Oh, I should send this to so and so" and a couple clicks of the mouse. THESE ARE NOT ACTUAL COMMUNICATION WITH THE PERSON YOU FORWARD IT TO. Really, it's a little insulting when ALL you get are forwards from someone. My sister does this, bless her little heart. It drives me insane. I have no idea how she is, but I know that she thinks a story about a little boy cussing was worth forwarding to me. huh?
Now I have to admit I have received some that were worth a chuckle. Usually oriented toward work or politics. So, with all of this in mind I have created this guide to forwarding things to Smoooochie, or anyone with a fully functioning intelligence.

1. If it has hearts, unicorns, teddy bears or lame music box type music this is trash. You might actually need to go to confession if you even THOUGHT about forwarding it to someone else.
2. If it's a heartwarming story about friends that makes you think of the sappiest card Hallmark has ever offered in their long line of sappiness just click on delete. This is the kind of sick fetish that people will pay for. Please don't torture those of us that don't have that fucked up passion with it for free.
3. If it has anything about hippies, mullets, or rednecks we've seen it. Just move along to the next forward that you've subscribed to. I do not want to see it again.
4. If it's a warning about a potentially dangerous product, an idea to stay "safe" that is a little off center, or a way to get rich by e-mailing a large corp just check Snopes. If you still think it's legit tell me about it on the phone. I don't want that bullshit clogging up my brain with "what if?"
5. If I am going to have to hassle my friends by forwarding it to 10 other people so I can have good luck and you send it to me we are no longer friends and you will no longer be allowed to send even legitimate e-mails to me. Just don't do this. (There is one exception to this rule, but only one. I like those ones where you have to tell all your favorites and all your weird freaky behaviors. It's fun to laugh at you.)
6. If it's propaganda from a radical cultish group like PETA, the GOP, or basically any Christian organization I don't want it. I really enjoy fiction, but choose to get mine from Barnes and Noble.
7. There is no seven. Just remember I don't fucking want forwards if you can't actually spend a few minutes writing me actual correspondance that has to do with your well being. You are part of my life because I enjoy YOU. Let's not ruin a good thing because you don't have any etiquette with regard to the internet. I know, social skills are hard. Try.

Last, but certainly no least, I solemnly swear to refrain from forwarding things unless I too follow these simply rules.

k..I'm done rambling and bitching about this now.