tea time

There are few things as comforting as a nice cup of hot tea or as refreshing as cold glass of iced tea. That being said there are few more product more ridiculously marketed than tea. Who are these people that create the marketing? It’s like watching a really bad soap opera on Spanish television. I realized this as I was having a cup of “Bengal Spice” and writing an e-mail the other night. I realized that “Bengal Spice” sort of sounds like tiger piss and regardless of how yummy that tea is (it’s goooood) I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.
The marketing is primarily on the boxes of tea rather than in other more common means of media. I have rarely seen a commercial or advert for tea here in the U.S. The boxes are really quite amazing, and granted there are some dull boxes of tea but not as many as really snazzy ones. The boxes invariably have witty or thoughtful quotes, drawings on them that give you a sense of how the tea will make you “feel”, and then to top it off ridiculous descriptions of the tea. One of my favorites (descriptions, not the tea) is, “A single cup of ###### has been known to have the same effect as sitting for 45 minutes in a mountain meadow on a sunny day with your shoes off.” So, if you sit for 45 minutes with your shoes on you cannot get the same effect as this tea. And if you sit for 50 minutes or 40 minutes or anything other than 45 minutes you will not get the same effect as this tea. It’s VERY specific. Or this one at the end of a paragraph describing the ingredients, “Tuck yourself into a private nook, and escape to an enchanting land of pure natural indulgence.” Oh for fuck’s sake. It’s not even real TEA!! It’s just a bunch of dried orange rinds and spices left over!
You know that brings me to a solid point. Actual tea doesn’t dress up to make you want it. “Strong Tea. Great Value.” How is that for straight forward? I think the marketing people just figure if you wanted a cozy getaway you’d just sip on some trail mix steeped in water, but if you want TEA you will have TEA!
And with that I’m off to go have a bath. It will be Smoooochie Tea. Ew…