On Thanksgiving...

People are often surprised that I don’t like Thanksgiving. “It’s a holiday about family and being thankful for what you have,” they argue. That is true in theory, but in practice it has not been my experience. I am not going to talk about historical fact, or the deception and death that Pilgrims brought in any detail, but there is that aspect of it. It is my own experiences that have brought me to a place where I simply don’t need Thanksgiving.  The ultimate outcome from sharing this is that I’d like a different Thanksgiving, one that creates memories other than those of football, overindulgence and chaos. This exploration is a starting point of creating a better Thanksgiving.

Growing up we would often spend Thanksgiving with my extended family and often family friends, as well. As an only child this was, to say the least, overwhelming. My grandparents raised me and so ours was a relatively quiet house. At Thanksgiving, regardless of which house we were celebrating, there was only the bathroom as a refuge of solitude before being cast back into the chaos of people. As I got older and up until I was married at the age of 21, I was still forced to sit at the “kids table.” Trust me, there was nothing at all to be thankful about sitting with my much younger cousins at a low play table eating with the “stickies.” They’ve grown up and I adore them, but at the time it felt like the ultimate insult.

As an adult I have found ways to deal with an overly loud and full house. A quick walk alone, an empty bedroom for a bit, and yes, the solitude of the bathroom is still a quick refuge. Additionally, I no longer have to sit at the kids table. Thank goodness!! Still my experience has been that Thanksgiving is a day of gluttony for some and enslavement for others. I guess historically speaking that is probably an irony often overlooked. There will be a few family members slaving away to provide an overabundance of food for their family and friends. Most of the food will not get eaten and end up in the trash at a later date. And while they are working away, others will aggressively watch a football game that is on just a little too loudly for any sort of conversation with the family you are so excited about spending time with. How is any of that a day of gratitude or time with family?

As dear friends have pointed out, I am a good cook throughout the year. My family is lucky that we have an abundance of healthy food that I am skilled enough to prepare. I share my cooking with my family with gratitude on a regular basis. My husband’s mother is also an incredible cook and we share a meal with the family on a monthly basis. There is no reason to eat until one is so full of food that you become ill. You simply don’t need a 2000 calorie meal to be thankful for having good food. It’s gross in the extreme. And for the record I am totally against the concept of “All you can eat buffet” for the same reason. It’s disgusting on so many levels.

Also, with both of my grandparents having passed there is always the sadness of missing them. I do always miss them, but it is somehow punctuated on this day and seeing everyone who still has their parents get to relived memories of growing up. That is gone for me. Certainly I can look forward to that with my children in the future, but now their childhood is still so fresh it doesn’t hold the same fondness. There is no one who was there during my childhood still living. It’s the only tragedy of being an only child.

Finally, why should gratitude and being thankful for having enough be highlighted only once a year? And how is it sincere when it is followed up with a frenzied scurry to buy even more stuff!? I am a firm believer that the act of being grateful is a daily practice. Sharing what you have with others whether it’s food, conversation or even just a smile is not something to reserve for Thanksgiving. It should be practiced daily. DAILY.

The bottom line is I don’t need Thanksgiving in order to celebrate all that it represents (in theory). I don’t need an empty actuality of a chaos-filled, football marathon with a hearty dose of gluttony. 

A selfish thought about refugees

I am trying to imagine what my child's school would look like without the diversity that refugee's have brought. The school is a magnet school for international and refugee students, and has well over 60 countries represented. There are kids from every part of the world, many of which had to flee due to violence and oppression in their own countries. Without these kids my children would not have learned about the world in the same way. They would not have heard the stories first hand. The world, out there, would be from 2nd or 3rd hand accounts rather from seeing and hearing it from someone who experienced it. They have knowledge most of us can only read about and rationalize in our own minds. Additionally, my children will never be afraid of the "other" or someone who is different. What a gift.
It is horrible that the students had to go through tragedy. Some will always have some amount of sadness because of it. I am ever thankful that these children are safe here in the U.S. and that they could and have shared their experiences with my children. I know that sounds completely selfish. It is. Just a little it really is.
Refugees are people that have had to flee for their lives. We have a safe haven, so why can't we share and come to know the richness their diversity brings?

Let me start by saying I have great friends. A number of close people who I can share anything with and then a much more varied and bigger group of friends that I enjoy immensely.

With all of that in mind I am still very much an introvert. I need my alone time. I must have it or I just cannot function in any group of people. I forget this about myself sometimes when making plans, and overbook myself. I need to think about that when hitting yes on invites or making plans. Otherwise I am quiet, not a lot of fun, and really don't participate well.

Finally, sorry to all of my dear friends who have been the recipient of the over-socialed Smoooochie. Let's figure out a time when I've had some good quality alone time just prior. I promise I'm a lot more animated, fun, and talkative.

Yesterday I was finishing up listening to "The Art of Asking" by Amanda Palmer when I read that the paperback version came out. I very highly recommend reading it or listening to the audio version. Actually, I have to say the audio version is most excellent because you get some music and Amanda actually reads it herself. It's like hearing a friend tell you a story more than reading a book.

That book contextualizes my last year. In the book Amanda explores her ability to be vulnerable, the good, the bad and all of the in between. To feel. A little over a year ago, I was reprimanded for exactly that at work. I was told that I needed to get a grip on my feelings and be more "composed". I was under a lot of stress, and I was expressing in work appropriate ways my needs and I got criticism of the worst sort. So, I spent a year looking at how to maintain composure. What I found was that stress, a lot of stress like I was experiencing at the time, makes it very, very hard. Once that stress lifts, once you work through it, composure is fairly easy. Additionally, I found is that it isn't my composure or my inability to control my feelings at all. It was how it made the other person feel. I put the criticism in context of who delivered it, and have more or less moved on. 

I also found something else out that was very important. That having the ability to feel and be vulnerable is not a bad thing. Quite the opposite. It's what makes life worth getting up for. I appreciate the feedback regarding my composure while disagreeing with it. I do appreciate it because it led me to discover a lot about myself and brought me to thinking about how my vulnerability and ability to feel enhance my life and allows others to trust me. Really trust me.

It lives. And after all this time I think I need to get back to it. So...what does Smoooochie have to say after all of this time? I think maybe a lot.