Oh reeeeally?

By all recent accounts that I've read the funding was cut from the Army Corps of Engineers to help maintain and repair the levee system that was protecting the citizens of New Orleans. Stories following the devastation and destruction show that the local, state, and federal agencies were not prepared for a catastrophic storm with the magnitude of Katrina. (do I really need to post even one link for proof of this?) O.K. so my point? Well, my point is exactly what the fuck did they waste the paper for this proclamation for if they weren't going to back it up? Fuck you, Mr. Bush for all your lies and false promises. Do us all a favor and resign before this nation is shamed even further by your blundering bullshit.

almost numb...almost

As I watch the news, read accounts of victims and read the blogs of people who are following the tragedy that the South is going through right now I continue to be stunned. I’m stunned at the denial of knowledge the federal government continues to claim. I’m stunned at the accounts there are still people dying today because they haven’t been rescued almost a week after the hurricane. I, like the rest of the country, am asking the question “Why?” and probably like the majority of those asking that question there nothing but spin for an answer. I want to yell that it’s too late for an excuse or an apology. But they wouldn’t hear just like they don’t hear the cries of the thousands still abandoned in New Orleans.

I still contend that this isn’t the Tsunami, Iraq, like a third world country. It’s not. And because it’s not the enormity of this tragedy shouldn’t have happened. There were warnings. There were studies and reports that went to both FEMA and Homeland Security. And for fucksake, there was money and an infrustructure to get people out. Again, the question of “why?” goes unanswered.

I feel numb. Numb from the anger, the hurt, and the extreme feeling of helplessness. I want answers even though at this point it’s too late for maybe thousands for answers. How can I feel numb and angry and pained over this all at the same time?

I’m rambling. I know I am. I don’t know what else to do. Give money. Alright. Done. Now what? Now what, Mr. Bush? Shall I play golf or go out and raise some money for more partisan politics? Shall I send out a search team for Dick Cheney because I haven't seen or heard fuckall from that bastard on this situation and he's the fucking Vice President? So, tell me what should I do? There is nothing I can do right now, but I guarantee that when I’m no longer completely numb and full of disbelief my anger will be rage.

One last question for Mr. Bush and all of his cronies (not that the morons will even understand it)~ Who is John Galt?

A Tragedy All It's Own

I have been, as most people have, the tragedy and destruction that Hurricane Katrina left in its wake. Entire towns have been demolished and so many American’s lives have been turned upside down. It’s tragic and it hits so close to home. I have been to many of the places that are now under water or damaged from the storm. It’s strange to see bridges and roads that I’ve been on in such a mess. I think of how beautiful a city Mobile is and how much different it’s going to be after all the water subsides. All I can do is watch and process and hope that the areas hit can recover.
Aside from my hoping that these areas can recover I am amazed at the way the people in charge are reacting and the thoughtless words they are using to describe the scene. Through my shock, I’ve been watching and listening to the words that people are using to describe the situation and it blows me away. The comparisons that people are making disturb me and baffle me that they can be serious. It’s going to take me a while to really choose my words for this post because I do feel the tragedy of this and don’t want to discount it, but at the same time I also see the hypocrisy of the words that are being used to describe this event. I don’t know what to do other than sort out the quotes and write what comes to mind immediately.
“It’s like downtown Baghdad.” Alright. Yes, there is devastation on a catastrophic scale. There is no dispute about that. However, the deaths in Iraq are in the tens of thousands and they are all man made. There are not currently bullets and bombs flying about murdering people on the destroyed streets of Biloxi. And while there are the dead they are not the parts and pieces that regularly litter the streets of Baghdad. They are different. Not the same at all and in no way does it resemble something on THIS scale. There is no constant threat of death looming over the people in New Orleans or Biloxi right now. There are evacuation efforts to get people out safely in Louisiana and Mississippi. Where do the people in Iraq go for safety?
“This is our tsunami.” O.K. While yes, they are both natural disasters it’s insulting to compare the loss of 200,000+ people to a death toll of less than 150. It’s also comparing a situation where NO ONE had warning to a situation where there were days of warning and evacuation efforts prior to the catastrophe. I’m sorry, but there is no amount of property worth comparing to the loss of so many innocent lives. Its absurdist and reactionary to even try to make the comparison and it bothers me that someone has even thought to do so.
“It’s like being in a 3rd world country.” What the fuck? No, it’s like being in a 1st world country that has undergone a major natural disaster. In time the people will either move or rebuild and the cities that were affected will return. Yes, it will take a lot of time and historic places that were destroyed can’t be recovered, but the cities will rebuild. I ask this, where will the 3rd world countries be in that same amount of time? How much could be done in actual 3rd world countries with the billions of dollars that is being estimated to cover the damage Katrina did? Will the people in Mississippi still be worried about simple diseases killing their families in a few years? Will they have to worry about starvation now or in the future? No, they won’t. So, no it’s not at all like being in a 3rd world country where there isn’t anything to rebuild, where human rights are oppressed, and the chance of living past 50 is almost zero because of either disease or famine. What it is? It’s living in the United States and having an opportunity to rebuild and being able to envision a future.
My thoughts and wishes go out for the people in the wake of Katrina. They also go out to all those who live in conditions everyday of their lives worse than what most of the evacuees are dealing with. It’s not a comparison. They are different and both unbelievably and remarkably tragic.

But Pat Robertson said it's o.k....

Pat Robertson, one of the loudest and most obnoxious voices of the religious, right has now declared that he’s in support of assassinating the Venezuelan president. Yes, that’s right KILLING someone is his Christian answer to someone he sees as a threat. His claim is that Hugo Chavez is a threat by bringing communism AND Islamic extremism to our Southern border. Can someone please pull out a map and perhaps a Political Science 101 book out for Mr. Robertson?

Now to be honest and fair I haven’t been keeping up with the situation in Venezuela. The basics I do know are that we get a lot of petroleum from them (it’s their main export to the U.S.) and that President Chavez has political ties with Fidel Castro. Even so I’m having a hard time understanding how political ties equate to over throwing the current government system and raging up through central America to infest the U.S. with his political ideology. I recall that our government has ties with both Islamic AND communist states, but so far Mr. Robertson hasn’t insinuated that our president be offed because of them. I’m also having a not hard but impossible time understanding how someone who is hell bent on a political state like communism would also be open to something so much to the political opposite as Islamic extremism. If anything Pat Robertson’s Christian extremism is more to the same pole as Islamic extremism than either a Federal Republic (the current system in Venezuela) OR communism. Can anyone clarify this contradiction in his reasoning for me? Also, can someone explain how killing the President of a country that we have major oil imports from AND a lot of Americans travelling there as tourist is going to beneficial in anyway?

It’s my belief that Pat Robertson’s extremist Christian ideals (that apparently allow for murdering someone) and ignorance on basic political theory and geography qualify him to shut the fuck up. I’m tired of the media giving such morons with absurd and extremist “us vs. them” ideas sensationalist attention and perpetuating the hatred and fear that this administration is using to support it’s agenda. Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know I answered my own questions. Bastards…

Meme-ories

I'm slow and this was a hard one. Abby sent me a link to her meme and now I've done my own. WooT! Thanks Abby!

1. Where I was ten years ago~
I was married to Kevin (my now ex-husband) and living in Hephzibah, GA (a small suburb of Augusta) and about 8 ½ months pregnant with my first child, Geoffrey. I wasn’t working so spent my days doing a lot of nothing and hanging out with my two dogs.

2. Where I was five years ago~
I was living in Stone Mountain, GA with Kevin, Geoffrey and Bronte. I worked for TruGreen LandCare. I think I was training for the Avon Breast Cancer 3Day walk. It seems like much longer than 5 years ago. It was another lifetime.

3. Where I was one year ago~
I had just moved to Colorado Springs with Geoffrey and Bronte and was working at Red Noland Infiniti selling cars. I was really trying to find a niche in C/S where I fit, but it just never gelled.

4. Where I was yesterday~
I was at the Dr. with Bronte getting her chin stitched up after she fell on the playground at school. Poor poppette. She’s fine though.

5. Where I am today~
At work. Sort of working. I rode my bike in. This evening I’m going with my friend Anita for a pedicure. Yay!!

6. Where I will be tomorrow~
We are going for crepes in the morning at work and then I’ll be in my office tomorrow afternoon. I have nothing planned in the evening.

• 7. Five snacks I enjoy
  · Barbara’s Bakery Cheese Puffs
  · Braeburn apples with Nutella
  · Pitted fruit (apricots, nectarines, peaches, plums)
  · Luna bars
  · Rice Krispy treats
  
• 8. Five singers (or bands) for whom I know the lyrics to most of their songs:
  Only five? Hmmm…
  · Jack Johnson
  · Bob Marley
  · Nirvana
  · Foo Fighters
  · Incubus
  
• 9. Five things I would do with $100,000,000
  This is a lot of money. I usually dream with lesser amounts based on a tax free lump sum, but here it goes.
  · Pay off all my debt
  · Pay off my friends AND my mom & dad’s debt up to $100K. However, they’d all have to do some task that I assign based on personality as follows.
  o Dan- he’d have to submit a spankin’ new resume and prove he submitted it to at least 10 different places. Once he’d secured a new job he’d have to shave his head AND he’d have to wear a Utilitikilt (I’d provide several) around for a month.
  o Abby- I want her to cook for me, but she makes some crazy stuff so I might have to pre-approve the menu. Also, she’d have to sing for Geoffrey & Bronte’s school one time.
  o Frisbee girl- she would have to go one week without biting her tongue. Everytime she wanted to say something back to anyone she’d have to and she’d have to let me video tape the entire week.
  o Scissors- he would have to take two weeks off work and go on vacation with me. No exceptions and NO WORK!!
  o Mynxy- She would let me pick out her clothes for a week. She’s such a doll that she should have to play dress up with me. Yay!! And at the end of the week we would have a PJ party w/ the whole crew.
  o Pecan- he would have to answer me honestly and upfront for the rest of his life. No more beating around the bush or flat out not answering direct questions. And he’d have to throw away his Crocs.
  o Steph- She would have to promise to get a babysitter and get out of the house for at least 8 hours a week. It could be broken up however she wanted, but 8 hours would be the minimum “Steph time.”
  o Mom- she’d have to promise to never send me another forwarded cutsie e-mail ever, ever, ever again.
  o Dad- he’d have to make me a whole lot of furniture (I’d buy the wood)
  · purchase a house in South Africa, a loft on Portrero Hill, and a loft in Denver
  · invest, invest, invest
  · get my teaching certificate and teach middle school. Yes, I’m insane.
  

10. Five locations I would like to run away to:
South Africa, the hot springs in Iceland, Zanzibar, Mexico, Stockholm

• 11. Five bad habits I have:
  · leaving my shoes all over the house wherever I happen to take them off
  · not letting go of people/situations when I know I should. I obsess.
  · messing w/ my zits. I know I should leave them alone, but they bug the hell out of me. I can’t help it. Why won’t they go away?!
  · checking my phone for text or voice messages…ALL the TIME. It’s more of a nervous habit than a bad habit, but I suppose it might annoy other people.
  · my net addiction. I admit I’m addicted. Deal.
  
• 12. Five things I like doing
  · tribing
  · hanging out with my kids doing things like bike riding and watching them skateboard, roller blade
  · cooking a big meal
  · reading
  · eating
  
• 13. Five TV shows I like
  · Miami Tattoo
  · Myth Busters
  · The Andy Milonakis show
  · Overhaulin’
  · Sex in the City on DVD
  

14. Five famous people I’d like to meet:
I can’t pick any. I’ve been trying. Here’s why. The people I really admire that are famous I wouldn’t want to meet because I want to keep admiring them and it might ruin the ideal of who they are. The other famous people I can think of don’t really interest me enough to make me want to spend time with them.

• 15. My biggest joys
  · my children
  · spending time with the people I love deeply
  · my sweet Max and all his clowny boxer antics
  · riding around in my Yeep with the top down
  · gardening, even though I haven’t had much opportunity over the last year. I love planting things and then taking care of them so they grow and make my surroundings beautiful.
  
  

Pick one!

This morning I received a call from the Denver Public School that my children will be attending this year. It seems that I made a mistake when filling out their registration paperwork. The mistake? I apparently had the audacity to list them as more than one ethnicity in the absence of an “other” category, so could I please choose just one. So, how exactly am I supposed to respond to this? I have instilled in my children that they are a variety of ethnicities and they should be proud of them all, so how can I, in good conscious, pick only one? I’m fairly angry that I’m having to make this decision in the year 2005. Why is this even still an issue? How is it that the city of Denver still finds it necessary to categorize people into ONE ethnicity? I don’t know, but I’m going to find out. And then I’m going to push until the form is changed. A form that is supposed to report ethnic statistics that doesn’t have more than 4 distinct categories is hardly accurate and as far as I can see fairly discriminatory. Funny how this was never a problem when I lived in the South.
To be continued…

Overwhelmed

Right now things are good. Very good. But somehow it's all overwhelming somehow. I have a new job that I think I'm going to like a lot. Granted it's going to be a lot of stuff I've done before, but since the company is so new a lot of the process and procedure stuff I'll own. It will be mine. That's awesome, but at the same time there is the newness of it that makes it a lot.
The children are in a Day Camp that they enjoy and I think for the most part takes good care of them. The problem is that it's a LOT out of the way that I'm at my new job. 15-20 mins there and then the same back. Twice a day. In order to get to work on time I have to leave the house at 7 a.m. Yeah, this is only four weeks, but it feels like that will be a very long time.
It's just adjusting. Once the kids start school we'll be able to get into a more comfortable routine and it will be fine. I know it will. I just have to be patience with myself, the schedule and time. Something I'm really not good at.
Even so, what a problem. Kids that are happy and a good job that actually pays me well and has good benefits. I am a lucky girl. Now I just need to get my ass to bed so that I can be rested enough to enjoy it all.

Lemonade! Ice Cold Lemonade!

Today was the second time my children had a lemonade stand. They are becoming quite the entrepreneurs. We are discussing the various aspects of business as we go. We have discussed advertising and marketing. And we are about to discuss overhead. They are currently making a list of what products they had to use and are arguing about whether water counts as one of the products. We have discussed putting money back into your business before, but I think it's going to have to be repeated. We have also had the chance to discuss measurements. I've notice that a lot of people don't know measurements.
Um.....I'm not sure what my point is here. I think just that I wish that I had had someone to discusss this stuff with me when I was little. It would have given me some basic concepts a lot earlier to build on. I guess that makes the point that there are so many things that I think parents forget their children need to know. It's easy to not remember all the basic things when there is so much out there telling us what's important. The right shoes, the right soccer team, the right school...etc. What does all that matter when we are forgetting to teach our kids about how far "please" and "thank you" can get them? Or how important it is to invest in yourself and the things that will make you more money? Or how much work it can be to get something rewarding? I really hope that exercises like having my kids sell lemonade teach them some of this. I have to remember that school is important, but that everyday life has a lot of important lessons as well.

I'm so proud of my little patriot

My sweet little girl wrote a song about how much she loves her country in class. When she presented it to her teacher it was decided that they would sing it in the school parade. I am so proud of her. What a sweet little patriot I have. Here is a copy of the final version:

America (sung to the tune of "Are You Sleeping?")

Oh, America! Oh, America!
How I love you. How I love you.
Everybody loves you, too. Everybody loves you, too.
la, la, la. la, la, la.

Oh, America! Oh, America!
We love you. We love you.
You are true. You are true.
la, la, la. la, la, la.

Oh, America! Oh, America!
We love the flag. We love the flag
You wave so proudly. You wave so proudly.
la, la, la. la, la, la.

Oh, America! Oh, America!
We love you. We love you.
RED, WHITE AND BLUE.
RED, WHITE AND BLUE.
USA! USA!!

hmmm...

i don't have much to say. i'm really overwhelmed. things will be fine. i know this. just right now i'm sort of stunned into silence.

Doctor 'n shit

Congrats, Dr. Abby!!!
I knew you'd get through your defense w/ no problems. Now it's time to relax and pack all of your stuff, egg a certain neighbors door and move to Boston!!!

WooT!!!

living in an empty house

You know it's kind of nice to not have any furniture. I know I have a whole apartment of it in Denver, but somehow just not having stuff for a bit is a good change. It's fun to be able to do a cartwheel in the living room or lay on the floor and just roll about tickling the kids. I feel like I'm getting away with something.

On the job note things are really starting to look good. Moving fast and I like that. I am feeling a bit less stressed even than this morning and that's a good thing. I have a few positions that look really appealing applied for so we will see. Even better I'm getting some bites. WooT!

Lastly, one of my good friends is in love. He's stoooopid in love and I'm so happy for him. I mean like giddy happy for him. Shady, you totally deserve this. MWA! for you both and good luck. ;)

bored

How is it possible to be busy and this bored at the same time? I need more challenges and more things to reflect and write about. You know I've discovered that talking about history and poli sci are really two of my favorite things. Don't mistake that for modern politics and who is running for office. I mean political theory. Much more interesting than the practice. k..back to my boring job. fuck..I need a vacation and an interesting occupation.

Thank you Mr. McKinney

I *heart* Maya Swimwear!!! WooT!

Thank you so much to Mr. Dave McKinney for getting me such an awesome swim wardrobe. You are so awesome and the suits fit perfectly! Wooohoooo!! I love them, I love them, I love them!

Thanks Mr. McKinney!! 

where is spring?

When I moved back to Colorado I was prepared for snow from October until early April. I don't think it really started snowing until early November. It hasn't stopped yet. There were little flakes floating about yesterday and it feels like it could snow more tonight. I want Spring! I want it NOW! I got so spoiled in Atlanta. Fuck, why did I move back again? I need to stop asking that question because the bottom line is that I did and I can't go back. Still, I want Spring. This cold is for the freakin' birds. It makes me cranky.

On a much funnier note I woke to the sound of doggie toenails on the wood flooring this morning. clickity-clickity-clickity. I couldn't figure out what Max was up to so I sat up and looked at his bed. No Max. clickity-clickity-clickity-clickity Still no sign of the dog. Then I realized that the sound was coming from under me. He was under the bed. Stuck. Yes, he had for some reason made his way under the bed and had gotten stuck. He couldn't get enough leverage on the slippery floor to pull himself out. So, I got out of bed and pulled him from under it. He seemed fairly happy to not be under the bed anymore. Fortunately I was able to get back to sleep for a few minutes before the evil alarm sounded. Another Monday.

hi

Three weeks until we move. Just three. Well, all our stuff will be moved next weekend, but for us to be permanent residents of Denver it's 3. I'm sitting among partially and completely filled boxes that contain bits of my life. Things that I've found important enough to keep or things that make life a little more interesting or comfortable. I'm so spoiled and have so much from a global perspective. I forget that sometimes. I forget that having a pencil in some places is a rare thing and yet we have boxes of them. Pencils.

It's cold again today. Cold with tiny little snowflakes whirling about on the breeze. I want May 1 to be warm and full of flowers and fresh springy air. Not bitter and snide.

While packing I found a letter I wrote on a napkin as we were making our way to Colorado. I was so full of hoping that the move was going to go well. I was so sure that the familiarity of the place would make the transition easier. I forgot that while the place is the same I'm not. So, I don't recognize here anymore and it certainly didn't recognize me. Better to move on.

Alright, I'm done rambling. This is why I haven't posted much. Fear of the lame ramble.

stress

There is one thing that is constant in my life. Stress. Certainly the level fluctuates, but it's always there. Is there enough money? What are the kids doing? etc. Right now my stress is sort of in the red zone. With the move there is the continual worry that I won't have enough money, or that things won't work out just right, or that I won't find a job. And I can look back at the past and say, "Hey, I've always done o.k. I've always survived and made it. Why would this be any different?" Somehow that doesn't seem to reduce the stress level or calm my fears. Then I call a friend and they say, "Smoooochie, you have always landed on your feet. You are super resourceful. So, how will this situation be any different?" And then I'm alright. I feel calmed and the stress, while not gone, is less. Why is it that I believe it when it's an external source, but question it when it's internal? Is this where my lack of self-esteem kicks in? Does it matter as long as I have awesome friends to remind me that I'm really an able person? Sure am glad that I do.

I got this idea from Frisbee's blog and she got it from From rickenharp (better known as .m. to some) "the idea is as follows: I'm taking (his) list of 20 artists and keeping the ones that I've seen, eliminating those I haven't, and adding in artists I have seen that aren't on the list until I get the total back up to 20 again.

Feel free to keep the chain alive..." The highlighted ones were on a prevous list.

1. Fishbone
2. beastie boys
3. Depeche Mode
4. The Cure
5. Stone Temple Pilots
6. India Arie
7. New Order (my first concert w/o a parent)
8. Incubus
9. Donny and Marie (I was 6)
10. Ice T
11. Ice Cube
12. Jane's Addiction
13. Michael Jackson (haha!)
14. The Damned
15. The Slackers
16. King Crimson
17. Pennywise
18. The Donnas (twice in the same summer)
19. Weezer
20. Love Spit Love

Oh no!! Only one is highlighted! More proof that we are, in fact, NOT the same person. Although I can't think of a lovelier person to be if I weren't me.

My tiny bubbles are FROZEN!! 

Tiaras and Leis

A friend of mine was talking about how her local pub was having a Luau tonight. So, in the spirit of it she was going to wear her tiara and a few leis. A few of us (the lunatics) decided this was a great idea. I am SO down for dressing up luau style and having a good time. Then came the blizzard. Whatever. Like a little snow is stopping my fun!! WooT! Happy Tiara and Lei day!

Promo

Read this blog.

http://aclipscomb.blogspot.com/2005/04/real-enemy.html

Do it! Do it now! Or taste my Smoooochie wrath! (somehow that's not as funny as squirrely wrath, but it's wrath dammit!! WRATH!!)

hearing the past

I was never a big Oasis fan. Am still not really, but every once in awhile I hear one of their songs and really dig it. Just now "Champagne Supernova" is playing and it's really a nice little reminder of the past. Just something that doesn't bring back a specific memory, but more like just a reminder that the past is there both good and bad. If we allow it to it can throw rocks at us and create a big lot of drama, but if we don't allow it then it can be reminisced and enjoyed for what it was. Anyway, there are just things from the past that serve as these reminders that it's there. That song is one of them.

work in progress

I once walked away

Over the grass growing out of the cracks

Over the cracks themselves

I don’t remember if the sun was shining

I suspect it was by the memory of the light on the leaves

And the sparkle from the passing cars

Still you were there in front of me

So I turned and came back

Unable to let go

snowy ramble

I'm looking out into a blizzard of sorts. The snowflakes are large and it looks like a truck of feather pillows might have crashed and now the wind it blowing them all about. The wind is ferocious and unforgiving, sometimes nearly blowing the snowflakes horizontal rather than allowing them to fall down. The puddles that have formed in the parking lot are indicative of how wet the snow is and when the wind whips the snow into them it does look like it's raining.

I'm inside though. Enjoying some tea, J.E.W. and a load of work that isn't too frantic, but is a nice steady pace. I've taken a moment to blog. Just to stay in the habit. I really love this song. "Can't say I was never wrong, but some blame rests on you. Work and play are never o.k. to mix the way we do..."

It's really too early to think of lunch, but today I'm thinking the comfort of shwarma sounds pretty tasty. Besides it's close. That is key.

I had the best dream this morning. It's sort of following me through the day tickling at my brain and making me smile. It was enough that I'm not going to share here, but sure am glad my subconcious recognizes that I need an active sex life. haha!

k..done w/ my little ramble.

lesson learned

So, the lesson for the past year? Do not do business with family unless you have a VERY clear, well-defined document outlining the transaction. Just don't regardless of the situation. If they want to do business that way based on "we're family, we don't need a contract." RUN!! Really, just trust me on this one.

Top o' the rude list

alright, so I haven't been blogging much. I've been busy, but this must be entered into the record.

If you say you are going to call on a certain day then just fucking well do that. Even if it's simply to say, "Hey, I can't talk now, but wanted to give you the call I said I would. I'll call again later." or if it's even to say, "I don't know the answer yet. I'll give you a call when I do." What EVER, but CALLLLLL. And if you don't call then have the balls to call the next day or when you are either reminded or remember on your own to apologize for not getting back to the person. Really, I have no patience for rude shit like this. It shows that you blatantly either don't respect the person's time or simply don't give a shit about the person enough for them to even have offered their phone number.

Damn, I'm angry.

just checking in

I don't have much to say. Work was hard. The kids are still hanging out w/ friends. It's quiet and nice. I really could use a snuggle, but sometime I'll get it and for now it's good to just have some alone. In fact if I could I'd go to bed right now and just read. I picked up one of my Jonathan Carroll books the other night. It's weird how he can draw me in over and over. Same books I've been reading. I just always get drawn in.

There are things I could be doing. But for now, I'm just finishing this blog and then nothing. Sometimes nothing is necessary.

couples

I have been thinking for the past year or so that I'd really like to be in a couple. I was just in one last summer and I liked it. I liked having a boyfriend to do stuff with and for. It was nice. Nice to have someone to share my time with, call me now and then, fall asleep on while watching TV. It was fun to cook dinner for him and go to baseball games, etc. When I moved that ended even though it had just started. He was cool, but it had just begun so no worries there. Even so, since then I've only dated. And that's been good to. But lately it seems like I see couples everywhere. They are doing chores together on weekends, driving along conversing, having lunch together, etc. I have to admit I've been a bit jealous of these people. Then today I was watching this couple today that seemed really happy. They seemed like they were in love. They seemed like they were content. And then I realized that I was in that couple once and people who wanted to be in a couple had looked at me and been jealous. The thing was when it seemed like I was really happy I was miserable. It seemed to everyone else like I was in the perfect couple. People even commented on it, and it really was all a facade. I don't know that the couple I saw today weren't really happy. I don't know that they were. I just know that things are not always as they appear, and I'd much rather wait to have something real and good and solid than have the appearance of it.

A bit gruesome really

She was attentive as she stood in line beaming and watching the children take their turns. The arm was missing. It had been the first to go. The next child was up. A little boy with black shiny hair cut short but even so was tossled from the earlier playtime. He looked intently and swung and swung to no avail. She looked back at me smiling a smile that was missing teeth. "She's beautiful," the voice in my head said absently. The little Korean girl had successfully removed the foot. Smashed. Clapping and jumping in one spot her turn was next. WHACK at the abdomen in a pink dress. WHACK! WHACK! Her hand off to the next child was to another boy with black hair. With one swift hit the paper princess was divided in two and the treats that made up her innards were on the floor. The children below her hanging carcass gleeful and cheerily picking them up.

"Mommy, look at all the candy," she said referring to the pinata guts she'd put in her little plastic bag.

bedside manner

I needed to go to the doctor today to get my annual PAP and a prescription refilled. Never needing to have gone to the doctor here in the Springs I didn't have one yet, so I braved the insurance companies website and found one listed that looked good. I’m not really sure what drew me to this particular office over the others other than it was close to my office.
Today was my appointment so I left work and drove the short distance. I was a little nervous, as I am always leery of new doctors. When I was diagnosed w/ HSV2 I had a really bad experience with a doctor and so am really anxious about having to deal with a new one, not knowing how they will react to my medical history. Afterward I found a really good group in Atlanta that really reassured me, informed me, and helped educate me about my health. It seems that a lot of doctors forget that is part of their job other than just writing prescriptions. So, anyway, I was nervous and holding my breath. As it turned out the woman was awesome. I wouldn't say that she took extra time with me, probably only 10-15 mins for a full gyno exam, but rather that she used the time very efficiently with a pleasant manner. She asked a lot of questions, gave answers to questions before I asked, and told me some things I knew already. Even so it was good to have her backing up my previous doctors on the information. Even better she agreed with me on staying on the meds I take rather than changing that. Yay!! It made me think of how lucky I was this time. There are so many doctors out there that just rush through, only answer questions if you really pressure them to, and don't always give a clear answer. Even worse, there are some out there that make you feel bad because you had the nerve to get sick. It's really frustrating, but this time it was not. It was great. Now, I just need to see if she’ll move to Denver. Haha!

I'm sitting here with nothing in particular on my mind. I don't have a great idea for this blog entry other than that I'm feeling like today will be productive. My mind is wandering from corner to corner thinking of things that need to be done, stuff to be put away and how exactly I'll get it all accomplished. I have a lot of clutter on my desk and I wonder how it gets there so frequently. How do I not realize when my desk, my room, my house is becoming somewhat cluttered and then all of the sudden I can "see" it all? It's the times that I realize that it's cluttered that I start feeling really motivated to clean. All the other times I feel to busy with life to worry about it. Doing the mom things, being a friend, enjoying the things I enjoy. But the cleaning...it feels productive and then after I feel dusty but accomplished. So, onto that now. My head feels less cluttered.

...and this post is done.

If you like Pina Coladas...

Alright, so I'm lame. I registered with Match.com because I need to meet new people and am WAY too shy to meet anyone any other way. And I have bad socialization or something. I just don't know how to meet people. Anyway, so I have been on Match before and in fact that's how I met sweet Pecan. Oh, sweet Pecan... he's dreamy...but that's another post.
So, anyway, I'm doing this casual dating thing and am on Match. The thing is I have gotten some seriously um...how to be pc about this? Can't. Man!! These guys are icky and persistent. What the hell about my saying "Thanks not interested" was difficult to understand the first time. It never bodes well for them when they don't even have a photo up. Sorry, maybe that is shallow of me, but looks are important. What if they have hair for cryin' out loud!!?? ACK!!! (i keeeed) I got an e-mail from this one dude who had in his profile that he was looking for "A smart, funny, clean woman" because "I deserve one." Shouldn't CLEAN be sort of a given? Apparently in his experience it isn't.
I have met a couple of people that seem like they would be fun to hang out with. I have contacted a couple of women because I really would like to meet some friends to do stuff with. I really would like to have some people who aren't allergic to kids to hang out with. THAT is that hardest thing. I miss my girls and hanging out talking about all the stuff girls do. (Men, you really don't wanna know, and no, most of it ISN'T about you) So, yeah. I'm a loser and we'll see how it goes. Who knows? Maybe I'll find a great group of people that I can just be chill with.

k..done rambling. i need a shower

Newshounds

I don’t claim that I am in the know about a lot of things. I don’t turn on the news every night at home, I don’t check CNN or BBC religiously throughout the day, but I do try to stay aware. It’s not because I want to know the sensationalism that most news agencies go for, but because I want to know what is going on where I live. This place called the world and how these things are going to affect the kids and me.
I don’t know that this is a recent observation or one that I’m just now remembering I’ve made before. I think perhaps it’s sort of just a known that I don’t really acknowledge, but definitely behind my aversion to FOX news. They are all about these types of stories and pounding them into the ground. Anyway, I’ve recently re-noticed how many people really are drawn only to these sensationalized stories. The sensational is what they remember and talk about like it’s a soap opera and not someone’s reality. I hear them talking in excited tones both about a news story AND of the show they watched right after the news. There is no distinction in their tone or the way they talk about the two. It makes me wonder how much these people believe what they see on television is real and how much they realize is not. More and more I realize how, despite our ability to have immediate knowledge of the world, how little people actually care about anything except what stimulates them, makes them feel better about themselves or gives them something to talk about.
I am left wondering if they realize that this judge whose family was killed is hurting and grieving right now. Or if they take it to the level that right now there are children scared and missing their parents because they’ve been conscripted to fight a “war?” Or that there are parents who are forced to sell their children for sex just so that they AND their children can stay alive? These are the realities and they aren’t sensational, they suck. It's not a fun reality and it's not headline worthy because it's not pretty. I just wonder if it’s like another “reality show” to these people I overhear. What will be on the next season of "Tsunami!!" or will it be cancelled due to lack of interest. Hmmm…maybe the reason I try to forget this observation is because it’s so damned depressing.

k…done with my sensational rambling now.

Patience...

I have a saying. "Patience is for people who believe they are going to live forever." I really strongly believe this. And while I realize that I can't have everything right NOW I can and do make a plan so that I can get where I'm going. I hate the whole idea of "just be patient." It's like telling me to just "pray about it." Fuck that. I am a doer. I have to doooo things. And when I can't actually do something then I need to think about how I can take the next step. I realize that this makes me seem very Veruca sometimes, but it's not intended that way. I just think that we have some control over getting what we want in live and if we don't do something about it we aren't ever going to get what we want. I don't see how patience is a virtue. Wait and see. Um...I waited my entire 20's and that didn't work out so great. I think I'll just move along now and do something.

I'm an A, dammit!!

As those of you who have seen me in person know I am not the largest of people. I'm fairly proportionate in the state of small. This includes my boobies. I like my breasts. I came to appreciate their small, yet perfect, size quite some time ago noticing that women with larger ones had back problems and oftentimes stretch marks. Mine do not have that problem. Mine only have the problem of the idiots at the store who can't freaking understand that even those of us with an A cup need bras, too!! I'm sorry, but when I see a double D on the rack all I can think is that it would make a fantastic hat for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and can you point me to the bras that might actually fit? What's even worse is someone, somewhere actually must think that if our boobs are small we only want plain, ugly white/beige/or black bras. Ahem. So, in that light I have constructed the following letter to a top bra marketer.

Dear Victoria's Secret,

I have a secret for you. Women with an A cup like pretty bras, too! Just because my small waist and finely sculpted ass fit snuggly into a LARGE panty of yours doesn't mean that my equally perfect breasts are HUGE and someday destined to reach my kneecaps!! I WANT AN A CUP THAT ISN'T UGLY!! GET ON IT!

Thank you and kindest regards,

Smoooochie™


Now, to all my friends with large boobs. I like that you have large boobs. I'm glad that you can find bras that fit. Please help me in gaining the same priviledge.

...and this rant is DONE!

Early Sunday Morning

I woke up at 7:15 this morning. I was thinking of a dream I'd had where I was trying to kill this big black spider. It had touched my foot in the dream and I completely freaked out, as I would in the waking world, by jumping around and screaming. My thoughts then turned to Pecan wondering if he'd made it to Taiwan yet and hoping that he'd been able to sleep. I didn't really want to jump out of bed, since I bought and washed new flannel sheets yesterday, but I needed to since G's friend was coming to spend the day. He's here now.
I've been working on an idea of stuff to write and not actually getting much down on paper. um...down on screen? on disk? whatever. I haven't been recording much of what I've been thinking. It's not a complete wash. I think I have some solid stuff to work on I just need to do it. Some of the stuff has to do with my novel and some is just more like freeform poetry stuff. I still have this idea of doors in my head and what they represent to us, or don't. Also, I wrote a really good poem that was loving and I've been trying to do another. All in all, I've written a lot this year, but it all needs a lot of tuning. It's good to be working again, even if I'm not really doing all I can.
Today will be a busy one. I will work at home a bit, write some, work at the office a bit, run some errands, and hopefully in the midst of it have a little fun. Off I go. I need coffee. I really need coffee.

did I ramble? I think I was rambling again.

uncomfortable shopping

I suppose I get so used to just wanting things that sometimes when I actually can afford things it makes me a little uncomfortable to actually purchase something I have wanted or needed for awhile. Some time ago I decided that if I was getting anything back on my tax return I'd get two things: more storage for my puter (trust me, I need it) and a bike rack so that the kids and I can do some exploring about on our bikes. Of course, they don't fit in my little Yeep so we need a rack to get them anywhere other than our neighborhood. Today, I went to Amazon just to check these out and found these two items for a good price. In fact they were both between $25 and $50 less than I had expected to spend. A bargain. I put them in my cart and moved to check out. The total was right at $200. Not that much money in the big scheme of things. Still, something about just hitting "submit" on a $200 purchase of stuff that isn't a bill or food sort of freaked me out. It's stuff that I don't need, but want. I'm excited about getting it, but still a little weirded out that I can't cover it. I can easily, and planned on it. The money is there. It's not a credit purchase and it's really not that much money. So, what's the problem?
My goal is to get where I'm not so anxious about my money. Where I am in control. I'm not there yet. Yet.

k...enough rambling. Time to shower.

mystery seasoning and work

Until now I’ve really tried to leave work off my blog. Mostly because my job is less than gratifying and I’d really rather just leave it IRL. Also, if I complain too much I could really get fired and while it’s not my ideal job it does pay the bills and I’m not out working in the cold. That being said this is actually more about co-workers than my actual job.
First off, I know this isn’t always the most exciting of places, but I’d really, really appreciate it if my co-workers could simply stay awake for the entire 8 hours that they are here. I think this bothers me because for the most part I have at least 8 hours worth of work to keep me occupied and it just sort of pisses me off that they have time to sleep. Look, if it’s going to be alright for her (she’s hardly subtle) to take a siesta then my half-spanic ass wants one, too!
Secondly, stop asking me to your freaky “start up business” parties. I don’t want weird overpriced mystery seasonings that don’t have the ingredients listed. For the most part, I like to know what I’m eating, thank you. Also, the candle and home decorating parties are just not for me. I don’t know if they’ve noticed but I’m not in line for the Martha Stewart wannabe contest. I don’t want to go spend more time with anyone who actually is or for that matter anyone who would purchase the above listed items unless they were under familial duress to do so. Relatives have a way of suckering you into buying these things without you wanting to, but co-workers…not so much.
Third, I don’t want to sign up to bring food into the office on the whim of another person. I would highly appreciate my co-workers not assuming that I want to do a “themed” potluck without getting an office consensus on such a thing. I don’t want to eat anything they’ve made with the mystery seasoning and breakfast burritos make me want to vomit. Also, these things take time and effort when you aren’t predisposed to using prepackaged crap. If they really want me to bring something I’m bringing bacon. Period. Just bacon. I’m kind enough to bring bagels and schmear in every now and then out of the blue. They need to just say thank you and STFU.
Lastly, I am considerate enough to tell the PTA to shove it and just give them a donation every year so my kids and I are not tortured with taking a gift catalogue about and pressuring family and coworkers into buying a bunch of shit they don’t really want just so my kids can get some crap prizes that will break on the first day. I can actually buy them much better crap from a vending machine for two quarters instead. I know this is probably asking a lot, but I really would like for them to keep all that selling crap out of the office. I don’t need “quality” gift wrap. I don’t need a bow making kit. I am not buying annoying cow shaped lotion dispensers. I don’t need the freakin’ mystery seasoning that schools have joined the bandwagon on. What I need is to just grab the first catalogue offered and shred it. BAM! Is that clear enough?

Alright. My rant is done.

diet evil

my son and I 

Dorks 

R.I.P. Dr. Thompson

There is a lesson to be learned in life and I think perhaps better early on than later. People die. In our society we seem to want to hide this reality from not only ourselves but our children. The mistake here being the perception left that we can go on forever so live slow and long. I certainly down for the long part, but I have to admit the slow doesn’t appeal to me much. I think perhaps that’s why I respected H.S. Thompson so much. He was always flipping the slow and long in the face and shouting “fuck you” to the norm.
Today it’s been reported that Hunter S. Thompson put a bullet in his head ending his life at 67 years. While that isn’t exactly the shortest of lives it still isn’t that old. However, considering the activity and ferocity at which he lived I’d say he did pretty well. I have to say it didn’t surprise me at all to hear the news. He was a man that had no problem grabbing life by the balls and doing it his way. He went out the same way.
I have to say that old coot will be missed. It’s funny, because he’s always seemed like an old Colorado nutter to me even though he really wasn’t THAT old. I’m sure Aspen will be different with out him around, but then that’s just life.
Adios, Dr. Gonzo.

missing

I'm good at this thing called missing. It seems that I've spent a lot of time doing it. Missing my mother when I was growing up, missing my home when I had to move away, missing my grandparents now that they are dead, and now I'm missing Atlanta. Certaintly, missing a place I lived for 5 years isn't nearly as dramatic as the others, but it's very much heartfelt. I know that soon, within a few weeks probably, the daffodils will be popping their bright yellow heads up in search of spring. These will be soon followed by so many other flowers that abound around every corner of that city in late March and April. The weather will be warm and balmy and jackets will not be used much if at all. Yet here I am, still waiting out the winter. Outdoor flowers are long in coming and only those lovelies that I received for my birthday are here to give me cheer.
Apart from the natural beauties of Atlanta I am missing the places. The Dekalb County Farmers market which I have never seen anything to compare. Willy's burritos, dayum...they just hit the spot now and then and Chipotle has nothing on them. Driving down and around town late at night with all the bustle that a city has to offer.
And then there are my friends. I miss my talks with Martha about everything under the sun. I miss hanging out now and then with Alicia and just laughing and giggling about all sort of girl stuff. I miss the neighbors I had who would stop and talk sometimes for an hour or more.
I know that the decision I made was the right one for my children and myself, but that doesn't it make it easier to reconcile in my heart when I haven't found anything to compare to it here. Somehow the mountains with all their beauty just aren't as comforting as a dogwood blossom dancing lightly on a draft of warm air.

alright, I'm done whining now

Copy Cat redux

So, Abby had this posted on her blog (see my blog roll for that Troublemaker) so here are my answers:

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

I think it's around 2.5 G which isn't very much, but considering I only have a 10G harddrive it's a fucking LOT. I need an external or an Ipod.

What's the last CD you bought?

The new Jimmy Eat World

What is the last song you listened to before reading this message?

It was some French pop song. I have no idea and now it's gone.

Write down the 5 songs that you listen to a lot or that mean a lot to you. (I'm mixing it up between play a lot and mean a lot.)

1. Work by J.E.W. It's on my new CD and I keep playing it over and over really loud. It's getting annoying.

2. September by David Sylvian. It's such a beautiful song and it always reminds me of a friend I had in college that I lost touch with because of my marriage. He was a really great friend. And yes, he was just a friend.

3. Such Great Heights by The Postal Service. I don't know why I like this song as much as I do, and I don't know why it feels so comfortable and important. It just does.

4. Parabola by Tool. Such a great song.

5. I'll Fly Away. It always reminds me of my grandmother. She was awesome.

Who are you going to push this exercise on to?

You. Get on it.

k...done rambling now

February 14th

Today ROCKS!! I'm 36 today, so take that and put it in your back pocket.

by the way, how in THE hell did Robbie Williams get a recording contract? He's a cutie and in a few years might make a fantastic James Bond (if his acting is better than his music) but dayum....he needs to stop w/ the singing gig. ACK.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Smokers

As a rule I don't care if someone smokes. I am not a non-smoker that nags or complains about a smoker. Honestly, if they want to smoke great. Whatever. I like the smell of a freshly lit cigarette quite honestly, but am not inclined to take it up. What bugs me are the smokers that have no sense of humor about their habit. I mean here is an addiction (that's not a judgement call) that will make people go out in the freezing cold wintery weather to burn a cigarette! Sorry, but I am making sure all my addictions can be met where it's WARM.
Anyway, today a woman I work with was about to go out to have a cigarette and she was coughing this obvious smoker's cough, and I very jokingly said, "Have another one!" Her "witty" response? "Why don't you have another child?" um..WTF does this mean exactly? I'm a little perplexed how these corrolate in any way. Can someone help me on this one?

An actual e-mail

I received a "forward" the other day in my e-mail from someone I care about. The title of it was, "Let's see who is ACTUALLY reading their e-mail." Alright. Let's set something straight, while it is certainly something that is transferred from one e-mail account to another a "cute" forward is hardly an actual e-mail. Really, quite honestly, they are just about one step from being spam. And quite honestly some of the spam I get are more amusing than the forwards I get. The only effort or thought that was put into it was the actual reading of the thing, the thought "Oh, I should send this to so and so" and a couple clicks of the mouse. THESE ARE NOT ACTUAL COMMUNICATION WITH THE PERSON YOU FORWARD IT TO. Really, it's a little insulting when ALL you get are forwards from someone. My sister does this, bless her little heart. It drives me insane. I have no idea how she is, but I know that she thinks a story about a little boy cussing was worth forwarding to me. huh?
Now I have to admit I have received some that were worth a chuckle. Usually oriented toward work or politics. So, with all of this in mind I have created this guide to forwarding things to Smoooochie, or anyone with a fully functioning intelligence.

1. If it has hearts, unicorns, teddy bears or lame music box type music this is trash. You might actually need to go to confession if you even THOUGHT about forwarding it to someone else.
2. If it's a heartwarming story about friends that makes you think of the sappiest card Hallmark has ever offered in their long line of sappiness just click on delete. This is the kind of sick fetish that people will pay for. Please don't torture those of us that don't have that fucked up passion with it for free.
3. If it has anything about hippies, mullets, or rednecks we've seen it. Just move along to the next forward that you've subscribed to. I do not want to see it again.
4. If it's a warning about a potentially dangerous product, an idea to stay "safe" that is a little off center, or a way to get rich by e-mailing a large corp just check Snopes. If you still think it's legit tell me about it on the phone. I don't want that bullshit clogging up my brain with "what if?"
5. If I am going to have to hassle my friends by forwarding it to 10 other people so I can have good luck and you send it to me we are no longer friends and you will no longer be allowed to send even legitimate e-mails to me. Just don't do this. (There is one exception to this rule, but only one. I like those ones where you have to tell all your favorites and all your weird freaky behaviors. It's fun to laugh at you.)
6. If it's propaganda from a radical cultish group like PETA, the GOP, or basically any Christian organization I don't want it. I really enjoy fiction, but choose to get mine from Barnes and Noble.
7. There is no seven. Just remember I don't fucking want forwards if you can't actually spend a few minutes writing me actual correspondance that has to do with your well being. You are part of my life because I enjoy YOU. Let's not ruin a good thing because you don't have any etiquette with regard to the internet. I know, social skills are hard. Try.

Last, but certainly no least, I solemnly swear to refrain from forwarding things unless I too follow these simply rules.

k..I'm done rambling and bitching about this now.

Africa

South Africa, Lesotho, Swaziland, Namibia, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Malawi, Zambia, Angola, DRC, Rwanda, Burundi, Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Congo, Gabon, Eq. Guinea, Cameroon, Central African Republic, Sudan, Ethiopia, Somalia, Eritrea, Egypt, Libya, Chad, Nigeria, Niger, Algeria, Mali, Burkina Faso, Ghana, Togo, Benin, Cote D'Ivoire, Liberia, Sierra Leone, Guinea, Guinea Bissau, Gamia, Senegal, Mauritania, Morocco, Cape Verde Islands, Madagascar...I think I missed something. hmmm...I wanna go back to the first one and visit many of the ones inbetween. I long to travel. This is just one continent. There are many more to go. I hope I have time.

All About this Scary Conservative town

I am working on that top 20 list of books still. I'm at about 12 or so. Give me time.

Alright, so there is a company down the hall from my office called "All About God." This is not atypical of the type of thing in Colorado Springs. In fact it's pretty normal here. I did a simple Google search just using the words "Colorado Springs Christian" and lookie, lookie what I found. CHRISTIANS!! And a lot of them. I guess I'm just a little unnerved and experiencing some culture shock still. The area I called home for 5 years was a remarkable mix of religions and cultures. I had really become unaccustomed to so much homogeneity, and quite honestly I don't want to become accustomed to it. The bottom line I think is that it feels uncomfortable to me. O.K. I don't know where this is going. Anyway.

I just ran my fingers through my hair. I washed it this morning and took the time to blow it fairly straight. It really does affect the texture when I take the time to do something with it. It's so silky and soft right now. I have an appointment on the 12th to get about 4 inches of the length chopped. I really want something funky and yet sexy. I hope "Markie" can do that for me. We'll see. We'll see.
I was talking to a co-worker today about reading the classics. He was going to try to read The Top 100 Books of All Time at one point. He got to page 2 of #1. I can't say that I blame him. Ulysses has never really appealed to me. I was thinking about it and I don't know if I could come up with a top 100. That's a LOT of books. I'm thinking maybe a top 20. I'll get back to you on this one. I need to give it some thought. I think of the list I agree much more with the reader's list than the boards list.
Sadly I've been listening to a lot of pop radio recently. Actually, it's an internet radio station out of Paris, so there is a lot of stuff that would never make it here. There is some good and some crap. Like what does the world find so damned appealling about Beyonce? She seems rather unappealing to me. Like an old banana. On the other hand I still really like the various versions of "Bohemian Rhapsody." The new one by the Braids is nice. It sort of reminds me of the Fugees version a few years ago. Oh, and Natasha Bedingfield. I am so diggin' her. Go ahead. Kick me for that. It's o.k.
The "President" is about to come on. I am still irked about him getting another 4 years and not a little disturbed about the changes he's proposing. I suppose I should haul my ass upstairs and turn on the boob tube to watch the boob. Add that to my file.
Alright, so I owe my dear readers a list. I'll get on that after fucktard gets done rambling on and I read to my kids. hmmmmm...top books. Books are good.

Summer Memories on a Winter Night

Summer nights spent in my small comfortable bedroom on Norwood Avenue hold special memories for me. I remember the way the air would feel at night. The clarity of it was amazing. It was not only fresh and lightly scented, but it could carry sound like a concert hall. I would settle in my bed every night and listen to the sounds going on all about me as I was lulled into sleep. The train horn blowing gently in the distance as the crickets just outside chirped in harmony. A car would drive by occasionally with a quiet whoosh barely noticeable. Those nights were lucky if there was a breeze and we could hear it in the trees as the leaves would rustle with their pleasure at the winds touch. The sadness now that is created by this memory is not that it was a sad or unhappy place. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. The memory is so vivid and wonderful that when I stop remembering and realize that it is past it's like having been to Wonderland and realizing that Wonderland no longer exists. My little room in that little house is no longer available to me. It’s no longer mine, but someone else's home. It has changed so much as to not exist any longer. These are just memories that cannot be revisited in person to prove that they ever existed at all. I do have a few mementos that prove otherwise, but they are not that place. They are not what was my home.

compatibility

I think we all want some clue into who we are and aren't compatible with. I mean if we could lessen the odds of us getting hurt why wouldn't we? I took a test today that supposedly measures my biorhythms and compares them with other peoples. I'd like to believe it simply because it says that I was only 8% compatible with my ex. Unfortunately I can't believe that simply the date I was born compared to the date someone else was born makes compatibility or not. It doesn't take into account that a 99% biorhythm match might be a conservative Christian. ACK! Or a 20% match might have exactly the same interests and goals that I have. What a lot of poo. Still, wouldn't it rock if there were a mechanism that could just say "Move along, sista." or "WooT! He's the ONE!!" I know, I know. You just have to kiss a lot of frogs. I am just too Veruca for that. meh...whatevs.

neil and dave

MirrorMask

Alright, so while it might be something that you didn't know about me it's hardly a secret that I am a complete Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean fan. They are both brilliant. O.K. so when I was stumbling around Tribe.net this morning I remembered that I hadn't yet seen the trailer to MirrorMask. I'm stunned. I swear I almost pee'd myself. (Hi Willy!) I am so incredibly stoked to see this movie because it's not only Neil's story, but it looks like Dave's art come to life. It's just beautiful. Alright. I'm trying to calm down now.

hmmm...did I provide enough links? Well, if not I can do so in the next rambling session.

BLOG

I like this blog a lot:

a violently executed blog

(that's a hint to move your mouse over where it's purple and click the left mouse button or right if you are a left handed FREAK ;) or wait...do those l.h.f. still use the left mouse button. Oh for fuck's sake, click the damn link)

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO....5 things that make it worthwhile to get up in the morning and go to work, no matter what the weather? In Smoooochie™ land what are these things? (these aren't in order of importance, because obviously having my little monkeys tell me that they love me is A#1 top o' the line wake up material regardless of rain, sun or shine)

1. The hope that I'll get up, turn on CNN and G.W. (in 3rd world countries AND my house that stands for Great Whitey) will have tried pretzels again and failed miserably and Cheney will have had a coronary hearing the news. I say this because all the people below that would be cake to impeach.
2. My children will wake up and say, "I love you, Mommy."
3. Sensual treats from lands far, far away (this is fairly broad and includes all 5 senses)
4. More laundry...KIDDING!!!
5. Calls from people I care about (y'all are getting lax on this one. step UP.)
6. Sadly, (and yes, I get a six because #4 was a joke) Tribe. It's where I talk to my pals, think "aloud" about things that I need to think about, and get feedback about either things I've done or things I don't have the solution to. Please see the poem entitled "wired version 4.0" to explain this freakish need. Thank and my the glorious paw of Foamy touch your unworthy life.

Alright. There you have it. Love, senses, and freedom from tyranny. Not that much to ask right?


Alright, I'm done tispy rambling now. WooT!

My kids are sure to be gay

And I'm sooooooo a fag hag. After countless hours of watching Spongebob Squarepants episodes how could this not be true? I'm sorry, but what the fuck is James Dobson thinking? Honestly? Does he have nothing else to do but think about the sexual preference of cartoon characters? Do these people really think that by not hating, but being respectful, of people that are different is indoctrination into "the big flaming gay man's club?" I think they do. Check out this quote:

"Christian groups however have taken exception to the tolerance pledge on the foundation's Web site which asks people to respect the sexual identity of others along with their abilities, beliefs, culture and race.
'Their inclusion of the reference to 'sexual identity' within their 'tolerance pledge' is not only unnecessary but it crosses a moral line,' Dr James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, said in a statement on Thursday."

Oh, wait. So, if I'm a virgin (stop laughing, IT'S HYPOTHETICAL) and see that as my sexual identity the children that watch cartoons should be offended and wary of my freakishness? Or let's say I've choosen to be celibate is this also somehow crossing the moral line? OH hell!! What if I'm a black virgin!? Jeezy Creezy. What's next!? Asian asexuals? BLASPHEMY!!!

I wonder what these religious fanatics would answer if asked, "What would you choose if you had to~ your religion or love among all peoples?" I'm afraid of the answer.

My birthday girl. 

Birthdays, Coffee and Thoughts

It's probably too late for me to be posting anything coherent. So, if this is just a scrambled glob of poop go to one of the other posts. There are some really good ones back in November and December.
Today was Bronte's birthday. It's hard to believe that she's already 7. The first thing I thought when I saw her tiny little person was "What a funny little nose she has. She's so beautiful." She does have a funny little nose, and it is beautiful to this day. Her sparkly eyes and quick wit astound. It's an amazing thing to be a mother. It really is.
We went to Barnes and Noble and got decaf coffee for us all. Then Geoffrey and I proceeded to sing loudly (yes, I DID sing in public) to her. She didn't blush. She just smiled and sipped her caramel machiato. What a little princess. We looked at books a bit and they chattered away. It was good. A comfort.
Now, I'm alone and they are off visiting other places as they sleep. The dishwasher is swishing, the computer is humming and the quick clickety clack of the keyboard as I type are all the sounds that keep me company. It's like a strange yet familiar song. It's a good time to take time for me. Thinking. Writing. Dreaming. "We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams." I just realized I'm smiling.

My friends are amazing. Really!

I got some fantastic news about a friend of mine's business today AND about a friend who is buying an apartment today!! So, here is sort of a list of my amazing friends and the stuff they do regularly that is the most fantastic stuff! ***WARNING*** THIS GETS MUSHY AND IS HEARTFELT!! These aren't in any order, because how can you order wonderful?

I have a wonderful friend who is finishing up her PhD and doing it under the least favorable conditions. She amazes me everyday with her determination. Through it all she maintains her compassion and sense of humor. That is so fucking fantastic! OH!! AND she's in love with this fantastic man that supports her dreams and hopes and work. It's amazing to see them answer one another sentences. I love that. He works his butt off every week and then drives 3 hours just to see her. They really LOVE each other. Like deep down this shit is GOOOOOOOOOOD kind of love. It's inspiring.
Another friend of mine picked up her life, moved it a thousand miles or so and is rocking San Fran like a big ol' hurricane. She is always supportive and thoughtful in her feedback and even better I know that I can call her at anytime day or night and just talk. She is like a brick lighthouse! She is so full of moxie and independence that she always reminds me that it's alright to be alone and be ballsy in my decisions. She is so fierce. I love that girlie!
I have a friend who decided that his chosen career path wasn't really what he wanted to do even after years of schooling, so he started a company with a friend and now their stuff is going to be in VOGUE!! WTF? How freakin' rockin is THAT?? Wow!! I am so amazed at how much hard work that company has had to have taken. It just proves that hard work can really pay off if you just believe that it will.
Another friend of mine just got her a place in SF AND SHE'S totally in love with another friend of mine who quit his job to follow his dream of writing. O.K. So that is so major and wonderful and really, together they give me lots of hope and strength that sometimes things DO work out. That sometimes when you just don't expect it you find that one person who can echo back to you all that you need to hear just at the right moment. And they keep my faith alive that following your dreams is not ever a loss. I really adore those two.
Another friend of mine has the most rockin' job that takes him all around the world. While sometimes the travel part is tedious he really loves what he does and is completely committed to the goals that he's set in life. I really truly respect that. Dedication to self has been and continues to be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn, because I'm always so wrapped up in taking care of others. His commitment to something he loves reminds me daily that we ARE the center of our universe and no one else can ever be that for us. It's so important and I'm amazed at how he can do that with such ease. Still he is so loving and commited to his friends and family as well. He is completely amazing and wonderful.
I have a friend in Seattle that some people might consider a bit of a dreamer. Still, she has the biggest heart and I think that is so evident the moment you meet her. She has a face that just brings you in and captures your attention. She follows her heart and has fun. I think that is a lesson that everyone has to be reminded of now and then. Just have fun, man. I sometimes forget to tell her what a wonderful person she is, but well, she is.
Dayum....Where to do I even begin? These are just a few of my pals that totally amaze and astound me. I didn't mention Mynxy yet who without even touching on her pulchritude is tops with her wicked wit and her ability to dance circles around all of us regular sized humans. ;) And of course my dear sweet Scissors. I cannot describe him better than to simply say he is a true friend through thick and thin. I dearly love this man more than I can ever express and his happiness is always my deepest wish (um..I would say something here about mynxy, but that is prolly pushing it..heh.) I am really lucky to have him as my friend. But then I wish that for all of these wonderful people, because they give me so much happiness and love in return. O.K. yeah, I'm PMSing. So, what? I mean all this stuff and it's important to say that I love my friends because they need to hear it once in awhile. Besides I'm proud of these silly fuckers! Alright...done ranting now. WooT!

The week is ending. It's odd how our Christian calendars start with Sunday even though that is supposed to represent the day of rest, and that was the last day. Never the less, the day is almost done and another week is about to be introduced. I'm drinking a cup of Rooibos tea and hoping that my daughter isn't getting sick. She had a small family birthday party in her honor today and shortly after it was over she was laying down snoozing and not feeling well at all. Poor little monkey. Fortunately tomorrow isn't a school day so if she is sick she won't miss school. I'm listening to some mp3's I burned for Pecan awhile ago. The songs, the end of the week, and perhaps reading "The Wooden Sea" have made me thoughtful. Thinking of compromise in both it's good and bad forms, love, loyalty and how important good food is to bolster our souls.
Nora Jones "The Nearness of You" just came on. This version is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes nearly every time. My friend Frisbee and I were talking earlier about love. About how some people are made to be in a couple and that fits them, and how others just are content with being individuals and don't need that companionship to feel fulfilled. I am the former and she's the latter. She compared it to my feelings about sushi. Some people just adore it and it's the tops to them. Nothing better. And they have friends who they drag along for it that just don't care for it. They want to like it because it's soooooo pretty and it seems to make their friends so happy, but then that one bite and it's just not something they care for. I don't like sushi, but I do fit being in love. It fits me. I just haven't found the person it fits with. Still I know that I'm willing to make the good compromises when the opportunity comes along and willing to wait so I don't have to make the bad ones again.
I think that this mood has created a good place for me to write a few paragraphs on one of my works in progress. I like writing. That fits me as well.

half formed thought about jargon and how I have my own little world

I was just eating some basmati with a little ghee and realized how the words I chose might confuse some people. The ones that it doesn’t are obviously my friends and the ones that it does well, maybe they should get out more. I think I tend to use a lot of jargon that has direct bearing on the things that I enjoy. But then really who doesn’t. Have you ever heard a group of golfers talking. “I was on the 8th and par was 3. I bogey’d it.” Huh? It’s the same in all the various industries and the action item words that people use. The words that I use that might alienate people are the same thing. They are just my action items for things that I have found relevant in my life. It’s not REALLY to exclude or to include, but just how I choose to describe, express or explain the things going on in my life.

wired version 4.0

A poem dedicated to all my internet pals.

wired version 4.0

One addiction. Really that’s it. O.K. soooo, really it’s at least three or maybe just two. I admit it. Three right now.
(password …is it this one?)
I’m an addict disguised as a geek. A hardcore internet addict with a constant need for continuous connection. Did I mention the caffeine issue?
(yesssss, send me the link)
How much RAM do you have? Does your cell have T9? These are qualifiers, Bub. If you have less than 20 gig on that thing then get to steppin’.
(IneedaCokeIneedaCoke)
You know, five hours of sleep is just not enough. Fuck. I know this, but I was blogging.
(Google.. Image… Monkey…)
Yeah, my DSL was down last night so I went over to Starfuckingfucks
(venti americano with wifi, please)
Are you LAUGHING? You think this itch is funny? Put down that cigarette before you burn yourself and listen to meeeee. It ’s not funny, this info junkie feenin’ for another, a little connectivity and caffeination, fix. Hold on. I gotta text message.
(hmmm…I ’m loved)
I have a list of needs: an iPod, a pocket PC, a Bluetooth adapter and headset. This is serious. Did you SEE that new PDA?
(Ineedacoffeebad,bad,bad)
Dial up? Should I sneer or simply walk away? I don’t have time for that. Veruca needs it NOW, dammit! Did you just say I should “log off?” Is the implication here that I should “unplug.” This ain’t the motherfuckinG Matrix.
(Was that my phone?)
You don’t even speak the language so have another drink and hear what I’m saying. Modern day addiction to wires, wireless, techie talk and in-for-ma-tion. Junkie to a junkie, I’m just sayin’.

smoooochie™ 1/12/05

MY Colorado

This remarkably bright morning I was driving to work trying to avoid slick, icy patches when I noticed the mountains and how they were so different than two days ago. The whole mountain had been carefully sprinkled with snow just so that the barren dirty spots were now perfectly white and the trees had been lightly frosted over each one now being more distinguishable than before. The darkness of the pine trees being a marked shaped upon a mountain of white. This all set against the bluest of blue skies. A breathtaking phenomenon I think that may be due the altitude or maybe because of the crispness of the cold air. It’s really irrelevant why, but key that it is. I noticed how, high up above tree line, Pikes Peak seemed to be being erased by the snow blowing at the top. The wind whipping the white crystals up and around just enough to blur the usual distinct outline of the mountain against the sky. This is the Colorado that I longed for when I was so far away.

kisses for 2005 

casual

I’ve been presented with the idea of “casual” recently and I’m having such a hard time understanding what that entails. I don't think I know how to be casual. For me it means that you are sort of ambivalent about things. I don’t really keep things in my life that I’m ambivalent about. I think for me things can be casual like a casual dress, casual setting, a casual conversation. Although with the friends I have it’s rarely ever as laid back as it might appear to be. There is always this intensity in the conversation even when it’s joking that’s present. Even so, I don’t understand the concept of a casual relationship. I associate casual relationships as not very important. Why would I want to waste my time on a relationship (friend or romantic) that isn’t moving forward and building something solid for both parties? Otherwise it’s just an acquaintance and any time spent with that person will be just on chance. That’s casual I suppose, but it’s not something that really interests me.
Outside of hanging out with my friends, I'm usually so intense with everything I don't really know what that means. I am not a casual mother even though we don’t have a strict schedule. I’m not really casual at work either. I like to make things efficient so I have time for more. I don’t take myself that seriously, but I’m not ambivalent about who I am at all. I think all of the time and not usually casual thoughts, but things like “What the fuck is casual?” How does one stop this process and let things be casual? How can I learn to compartmentalize things that are bothering me so I can relax enough to be casual? Maybe I don’t fully understand what casual is in order to let myself be that way? Maybe it’s something I don’t want to be anyway, but I just don’t get it enough to really make that assessment.
What is casual? I feel like a casualty of casual.

2004

What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?

Went 120 mph on a motorcycle.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?

Yes, I haven’t touched sushi all year. WooT.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, two adorable little babies. A friend of mine that I’ve known since I was 13 and my best friend had one. It’s awesome.

Did anyone close to you die?

No, not yet.

What countries did you visit?

I went through Texas. Does that count?

What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?

Someone who adores me, more $$ so it’s not so tight all the time, a motorcycle

What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 15th. It’s when I got back to Colorado.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Trying out a career I’ve been interested in.

What was your biggest failure?

Not moving somewhere that I am happy with.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I got this freaky stomach thing. The Dr.’s at Emory never figured it out and for the most part it’s gone, but every now and then comes back.

What was the best thing you bought?

Who knows? Ultimately it's just stuff.

Whose behavior merited celebration?

My children, because they are so awesome.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My ex-husband, George Bush, Tom™. I’ll keep my personal opinions on each one to myself. Fuckheads.

Where did most of your money go?

To making sure my kids are housed, fed and clothed.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Any one of my trips to SF

What song will always remind you of 2004?

Slackers~ have the time

Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?

Hard to say. Each year has a little of both.

thinner or fatter? same
richer or poorer? Poorer, Colorado is fucking expensive.

What do you wish you'd done more of?

Hiking or doing outdoors stuff w/ my children

What do you wish you'd done less of?

Wasting time on the phone w/ boys.

How will you be spending Christmas?

With my mom, aunt and cousins. My babies are going to Georgia.

Did you fall in love in 2004?

Yes. It hurt, thus the fall part.

What was your favorite TV program?

Overhauled (please someone tell them how rockin’ it would be for my Yeep to get overhauled. PLEASE!!! Yes, I’m begging.)

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, why bother wasting that much emotion.

What was the best book you read?

Stiff by Mary Roach

What was your greatest musical discovery of 2004?

Oh hell…um…um…just one? Too many ambient and downtempo groove things to even start naming just one.

What did you want and get?

A blog of my very own!

What did you want and not get?

A motorcycle and all the ecoutrements, true love (not to bleve)

What was your favorite film of this year?

Um………I “heart” Huckabees

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I went to SF and partied my ass off w/ my friends. It rocked. I was 35.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Less drama regarding men. Next year fuck it.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?

Global Fusion

What kept you sane?

Who said anything about being sane?

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jason Statham, DUH!!

What political issue stirred you the most?

The fact that George Bush is less of an idiot than 51% of the population that re-elected him.

Who did you miss?

I will always miss my grandmother more than anyone I’ve ever known. She was my hero.

Who was the best new person you met?

This is an unfair question. Frisbee is right up there, though. She is an amazing person and really an amazing echo.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Stop being so damn serious, and that it’s alright to be 100% honest to people you love. That was the hardest one, because it was so deeply ingrained that I had to deny being me, and now I don't. It's really wonderful to not have to try to be something that I'm not.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Times Like These (01) (Jack Johnson)
in times like thesein times like those
what will be will beand so it goes
and it always goes on and on
and on and on it goes
and theres always been laughing, crying, birth, and dying
boys and girls with hearts that take and give and break
and heal and grow and recreate and raise and nurture
but then hurt from time to times like these
and times like those
what will be will be
and so it goes
and there will always be stop and go and fast and slow
action, reaction, sticks and stones and broken bones
those for peace and those for war
and god bless these ones not those ones
but these ones made times like these
and times like those
what will be will be
and so it goes
and it always goes on and on
and on and on it goes
but somehow i know it wont be the same
somehow i know itll never be the same