My Boyfriend

Living in a world of commercial hype it seems like a lot of people we encounter in the world have bought in. They’ve decided that they need to commercialize themselves and create hype about how great they are. Then you run into someone who doesn’t feel the need to boast or brag about the things they do. They just do the things they enjoy and live a life without hype. This is my Dan. He’s not flashy. He’s goal driven, determined and yet has maintained a sense of humility about his accomplishments. He does the things he says he’s going to do. He’s honest and kind in his honesty. He puts people before money. He isn’t afraid to laugh aloud at himself and at life. And for all of the things he is I love him.

It Is What It Is

There are times in our lives where we just don’t get it whatever “it” might be. Whether it’s exactly what our 4th grade teacher is trying to teach us, a life lesson our parents are trying to help us understand, or later in life when we are trying to figure out things that everyone else seems to have mastered. My move to Colorado has been that way for me. There were times where I just didn’t get it. I felt myself struggling to still grasp the idea of what it meant to live in Colorado again both health-wise and financially. Being a single mom with few friends near was such a frustrating struggle. I ran into situations romantically that I didn’t get and no matter how I reworked it in my head I just ended up falling and trying over again. In the end, it just took patience and standing on the couch to get it. It took patience from my friends in seeing me fall and fall and fall before I got it. It took patience from my family dealing with all my frustration and tears. For those that stood by (sometimes pissed off and scowling) and let me figure it out and put up with it I owe you so much. Thanks y’all. I love you.
For those who lost patience and gave up on me it is what it is. I figured it out. I got it.

On turning 37

Today started out great and then it totally sucked. That's about it.

There is no black history in the United States.

As we progress through the month of February that has been deemed "Black History Month," and I read articles such as this one I become more convinced that there should be no black history in the United States. Please don't misunderstand me. I don't mean that we ignore the contributions that black Americans have made to our country, but that we include them along side the other historical figures and events that affected them and then in turn were affected by them. The whole of our history includes black americans and not as a seperate subject that we celebrate one short month a year, but as threads in the fabric of this country that are as intertwined as those of white, asian, hispanic and all others.

the future

The core of an apple sits next to some cash and my coffee mug. Drive, consumption and capital. I've recently discovered that I don't have many goals right now. Nothing long term anyway. I'm looking at the next year of being one that I complete a lot of things that I've been working toward for a long time. I keep thinking, "Now what?" and am coming to realize that it's alright to not have a new goal for a bit. Sometimes just facing the day and making it a smashing success is enough of a goal to have. I'm not saying there is nothing that I want. There are always things and places to go that I want, but they don't feel the same as these other things that I"m about to complete. So, for now, "Now what?" is not an issue. I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Martin

I don't know how we can quantify the changes that Martin Luther King, Jr.'s work on our society and on the world at large. So many of us weren't even born at the time. I do know that without his work and the work of so many others during the Civil Rights movement I wouldn't have my beautiful babies and that is profound to me. It always seemed fitting that Bronte was born on MLK, Jr. day. It also seems fitting that even if I have to use vacation time I shouldn't work on that day and instead use the day to honor him in some way. Today I spent time with my children and cooked for them. While it's not a parade I think he would have been fine with it.

Cheers!

If I've said it once...

I know I've said it at least a number of times here and elsewhere. Read Adam's blog.


http://aclipscomb.blogspot.com/



Oh yeah, and impeach Bush.

Max is adorable and insane.

He's developed the bad habit of only drinking from the shower. He's developed an even worse habit of whining and shutting himself in the bathroom until I get up to open the door and turn on the shower. I try to only oblige when I'm either actually going to get in the shower or if I'm brushing my teeth before bed. He's currently in there w/ the door open. He has peeked at me several times in the last 5 mins and giving a cursory whine. *sigh* Spoiled little brat.

Year in Review 2005

I did this last year and was reminded when a few Tribe pals did it again this year. It's been a year.

What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before?

*had a residence in Denver, took my photo wearing a bikini in a snowstorm, rode my bike regularly to work. Nothing major, but all good stuff.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?

*I don’t know that I made any. I’m trying to remember if I did. Hmmmm…

Did anyone close to you give birth?

*Nope. Next year there will be 4 babies that I know of.

Did anyone close to you die?

*Nope. Not this year thank goodness.

What countries did you visit?

*none

What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?

*the opportunity to travel and a little extra cash

What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

*wow, it was such an eventful year I’m not sure.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

*moving to Denver successfully

What was your biggest failure?

*why focus on the negative

Did you suffer illness or injury?

*I think I was sick for half of the winter and then again a few times this fall. It’s the climate here. It’s hard on me.

What was the best thing you bought?

*My amazing ColeHaan black boots…

Whose behavior merited celebration?

*the people who helped rescue all those in need during Katrina

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

*my extended family, the current presidential administration

Where did most of your money go?

*taking care of my children

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

*I was pretty stoked when I got my current job. And then when my longboard came in the mail. Yeah…that was exciting.

What song will always remind you of 2005?

*We Belong Together- Mariah Carey (my daughter and I sing it all the time)

Compared to this time last year, are you:

Richer/poorer? *richer for sure. I can only see next year as being even better.

Happier/Sadder? *about the same. I never end a year without laughter and tears.

Thinner/Fatter? *urgh…fatter.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

*spending time with my friends in person, skateboarding, being outside, listening to music

What do you wish you’d done less of?

*drinking beer, watching TV, cleaning house

How will you be spending Christmas?

*with my children, dear friends, and family

What was your favorite TV program?

*MythBusters, Trading Spouses, Desperate Housewives, Viva La Bam

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

*nope. I don’t have time for that.

What was the best book you read?

*Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman

What was your greatest musical discovery of 2005?

*I am so loving a few things.
- Sophie and Ives
-Tegan and Sarah

What did you want and get?

*a skateboard, Surf One Luau II longboard

What did you want and not get?

*a Segway, and more time

What was your favorite film of this year?

*Wedding Crashers

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

*I went on a horrible date. I was 36.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

*leaving Colorado Springs

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?

*um...mostly covered up?

What kept you sane?

*good food and social time

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

*definitely Jason Statham, as always. He’s so yummy. Anderson Cooper is definitely second though.

What political issue stirred you the most?

*oh fuck. This is way too loaded and there is just too much shit to even re-cap.

Who did you miss?

*my grandmother, my Atlanta pals, Pecan

Who was the best new person you met?

*Danimal

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:

*don’t assume anything

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“You like this and you know it
Caution, it’s so explosive
Them chickens is ash and I’m lotion”

Bush MUST go!!

From our troops torturing war prisoners to cronies of the White House being indicted on federal charges this feels like one of the lowest periods I can think of in American history. Even the shame of slavery was openly debated within the confines of the law. However, despite a few hundred years of history as precedent our current president has decided that the basic principals that our government was founded on don’t apply to his administration. Not only do they not apply he doesn’t have to openly debate them, but can just go around the laws in place to reach HIS goal secretively. And now that this actions have been outted by the press (remember FREEDOM OF THE PRESS?) he defends it by claiming that he is making us safer and that they were wrong by publishing data they researched and found to be accurate and true! Thanks, Mr. Bush, but I’ll take my RIGHTS over your definition of safety.

Now is the time for every American that believes not in the political ramblings of those in Washington, but that actually believes in the system of equality, liberty and human rights to take a stand and demand that this man be called to answer for his trashing the principals that we have so long taken for granted. It is time to demand that President Bush either resign or be impeached for neglecting his duty and upholding the constitution at the very basic level of his presidency and following the very rules that govern each and every American.

OVERTURN THE BUSH REGIME NOW!! IMPEACH BUSH AND REMOVE HIS ADMINISTRATION OF CRIMINALS!

Two quick thoughts

First- This is sort of for the general public. Buy a flippin' full length mirror and USE IT before you leave the house. I don't want to be exposed to your fat ass squishing out of jeans and your love handles bubbling over and under your blouses that no longer (if ever) fit. I don't want to have to try and have an intelligent discussion with you if you are wearing something that is so distracting that I can't even stay on topic because my inner voice is screaming out, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE/SHE THINKING WHEN THEY PUT THIS ON!!??"

Second- Use Google first before you ask me something that can be easily found on the World Wide Web. If you don't have some information about a common product check Google first. Please. If I am going to have to Google it to find the answer help me the fuck out and Google that shit for yourself. It's amazing all the info you can find in the cyberjunk funnel that starts w/ WWW so try it for yourself FIRST.

That's all. Thanks for reading.

Break out the pretzels...

here's even more proof that our president is a big boob! (I know we didn't need it, but here it is anyway.)

mishmash

It's my 3rd day off work and I'm finding that it's exactly what I needed. I've done a lot of nothing, but I've done quite a bit of something as well. It's not the something that I usually tie up my life with, but other things. Cooking things that take time, going through and folding all the gazillion socks that we usually just don't bother to mess with, watching movies more than once, and even taking the time to give myself a mini-pedicure. It's been good.
Even through my few days of doing not so much my brain has been as active as always. Thoughts of where I want to be in a year financially and physically keep coming to the surface and per usual I have gone back to my plan and moved it around a bit mostly to find that I'm still on track and things are good. Time goes so quickly with something, but with things like money they always seem to move so slowly. My "Verucaness" doesn't do well with waiting and when it comes to not having to pinch pennies even more so.
I am not the only one in the world who is on a budget. I know this. I"m sure that all the folks who have moved to Colorado due to Hurrican Katrina are on one. I wonder what they think of Michael Brown opening up a consulting firm right next door (in Boulder) that focuses on disaster preparedness. I think he's an ass personally. I can't imagine putting much faith in his company if I were seeking such a service, but then I wouldn't think that his old boss were worthy of being president either.
On another note I'm having corndogs for lunch. Yes, they are probably loaded with crap that I shouldn't eat but they taste good. So there. Ramble done.

Chip off the ol' block

B and I are watching Singin' in the Rain again. 3rd time in less than 24 hours. She's showing a real liking for old movies. WooT! Someone to watch all my favorite musicals over with. She even dances along with me, but maybe that's a bit too much to share.

Cheers!

ew...

It's official. I have shingles. It's gross. Apparently it's going to get a bit worse. I have the joy of the blisters bursting and forming scabs to look forward to. Now, if I could see this happening it might be interesting on a scientific level, but as it's on my back it's just annoying. I want it gone...NOW!!!

Read 3 Old Men

I read the blog 3 Old Men every day. I was excited when Abby announced that her dad was going to start blogging w/ his friends in tow. She'd posted several blurbs he'd e-mailed to her and immediately she and I agreed he should blog. Then, I got hooked by the whole pole barn saga and am eagerly awaiting an update after they've had guests stay in it. In the meantime I'm reading political writing from Abby's dad. It's really thoughtful. And I highly suggest reading it.

Here is a post from yesterday.

"To: Republican LawmakersFrom: We the peopleRe: President George W. Bush

In recent months, issues that have been largely speculative and colored by the traditional partisan posturing that characterizes American political dialogue have come into much sharper focus. President George W. Bush and his Administration have lead the country into an unprecedented and dangerous quagmire. It is increasingly clear that both Democrats and Republicans in their zeal to react to the Middle East Crises and the Campaign of Islamic Terrorists have been lead to act in ways that are now clearly detrimental to our country based on false and misleading information. To mention a few examples:

1. The Iraq War is not part of our War on Terror. It is and always has been an agenda of a small group of people from several non-governmental Think-Tanks [The American Enterprise Institute, The Project for the New American Century, etc.] that was effected in the guise of being a response to the 911 tragedy.
   
2. The justifications for this war were al Qaeda ties with Iraq and Iraq’s fabled weapons of mass destruction. This information was false, and the Administration knew it was false in October 2002 when the President went before Congress asking for the power to make war.
   
3. Congress did approve that power to disarm Iraq. But when Mr. Bush exercised that power, he went for a regime change, not disarmament. He was following the neoconservative agenda, not the will of the Congress.
   
4. There are now numerous examples that the Administration’s tactics have been executed through clandestine and corrupt pathways. While the "outing" of a C.I.A. Agent is the most blatant example, there are many other examples that Mr. Bush, Mr. Cheney, Mr. Rove, etc. are regularly acting covertly to control the outcome of the political process.
   
5. Through the efforts primarily of Mr. Cheney, Congress is being manipulated to pass legislation that is diametrically opposed to what America stands for - Torture, no Habeas Corpus.
   
6. Mr. Bush has appointed a man, John Bolton, who has been a major critic of the United Nations as our representative to the United Nations by waiting until Congress was recessed and making an interim appointment.
   

We, the people have been lied to and we now know it. The Members of Congress, both Democrat and Republican, have been lied to. Worse, our young men and women who are dying daily in Iraq have been lied to.
It is time to recall that the Republican Party was brought into America’s consciousness as the anti-slavery party, a party dedicated to human rights. The first American Republican President was Abraham Lincoln, the man who saved our Union and freed the Slaves. He stands before us as a symbol of integrity and greatness. It is time for the Republican lawmakers to stand with the rest of America and restore the Union again, to join in the fight to clear this blemish of lies and manipulation from our political scene.
You were lied to too. There is no shame in opposing the misuse of power by a President who happens to be in your party. Party affiliation is not the same as your job as representatives of the people and the government of our Union. A simple perusal of any opinion polls should make it clear what the people feel. Many Democrats were wrong, as were many Republicans, as were many voters. We are in a period of our history where previous mistakes need not be perpetuated. Who knew that the President was going to misrepresent information and his intentions not only to his critics, but also to his allies?"

unusual post, I know

Alright, so I almost never engage in sports conversations unless they are about XGames type sports and it's usually positive and cheerful. It's not that I don't know about the major sports or whatever. Mostly it's because I just don't give a ratsass about these big time over paid sports stars who were probably the guys and gals that abhorred in high school and college.
However...

Terrell Owens deserves nothing. He doesn't deserve a contract. He doesn't deserve to get another chance on the current team or on any future team. He's a conceited, spoiled JACKASS and poor behavior such as his deserves NO reward. I am sick and tired of seeing people with talent think that somehow that equates into them being able to treat others badly and not have some repurcussion. SCREW THAT!!! If you are a jerk then you get no reward.

Secondly, Jesse Jackson needs to stick to what he knows. I"m not sure what that is exactly, but he needs to STFU regarding an overpaid spoiled loudmouth that is getting his just desserts. This isn't about T.O. being black. It's about him being a moron. Period.

I just hate bad behavior. This fellow KNEW what he was doing before he did it, and so no insincere apology to save his job is really good enough. Sorry would have been not repeating his poor behavior with his new team. If you are really sorry you don't repeat the behavior.

My advise to T.O. (and the advise his family should have been giving him all this time)- "Social skills are hard. TRY HARDER."

Society of fear

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we are so consumed by fear in this country. It seems every headline plays on our fears and there is no escaping it. My thought is that it appears that the only way to avoid being afraid and buying into the control of fear is to be a bit skeptical of most everything you read and investigate further on news items etc. that make you feel a bit nervous.
I won't be afraid of all the negative. Life is far to short to focus on anything but the good stuff and how much is out there to experience despite whatever the risk might be.


-yes, this is another ramble.

I love Halloween.

I really love Halloween. It's really my favorite holiday of the year. I enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas, but for me Halloween is still unmarred by commericials and commercialism. I still enjoy the simple purchase and transformation of a pumpkin, eating the seeds for days after, and the joy of trying to figure out what to be. I just love it.

OUCH!!! My head! But this is goood medicine...

Really quickly I want to post two things that almost have made the pain of my sinus infection go away (almost):

The other 51% of the population that were apparently complete MORONS when voting are changing their minds about the bonehead some people refer to as “President.”

Staged...like we didn't know he couldn't have a normal conversation without some sort of help.

O.K. and this makes it three:

heeheeheee

I'm cleaning up the cyber-poo

After much analysis, thought and umpteen virus, spyware, everything-under-the-friggin’-sun-that-could-compromise-the-data-on-my-computer scan, and even a few tears of frustration I’ve determined one thing about my bank account being robbed. There isn’t a fucking thing I could have done to keep it from happening or anything I can currently do in order to make the process of getting my money back any faster. Nothing. I’m usually one to take the responsibility for catastrophes and assume that somehow I screwed up and that things are my fault. Not this one. There was nothing I could have done differently.

I realize this, but “those people” at the bank just don’t seem to realize that this isn’t something I did to inconvenience them. They act as if I was the one to take the money directly out of their own pockets. It’s almost an insinuation that this is something I wanted to happen and was just walking up to seedy individuals handing my account PINs and passwords out on a business card along with my SSN. It's crazy. "Well, Ma'am if YOU wouldn't have compromised YOUR information..." I realize I’m not the most computer savvy person out there, but at the same time there are a lot of people out there with a lot less knowledge than I have using the internet that aren’t being robbed. I know that there are risks and that I have to protect myself and I do everything from every “Protect Yourself from Identity Fraud” list I’ve seen. Their attitude of me being guilty until I can be proved innocent has made me somewhat obsessed to prove, if not to them but to myself, that I’m not crazy and did everything I could to protect my info. To prove to myself that it was THEIR system that failed and not some careless behavior of my own. I hate that. I hate that this makes me feel like I’m back on the defensive. I hate that somehow inside me I’ve allowed their negativism to make me feel like I somehow am at fault. I’m not. I didn’t want to be robbed and I didn’t put myself out there any more than any other person who has a bank account does.

Needless to say this is all rather disconcerting. It’s not just the missing money that has really disturbed me. It’s much more than that. It’s brought about the realization that I don’t trust myself financially. Despite all my work over the last couple of years to be confident in taking care of finances it doesn’t take much to make me cower. The bad thing is when it comes to your own money who should you trust more than yourself? No one! I should trust myself more than anyone to deal with MY money and the decisions I make financially, the decisions about where I keep my money, and how I choose to bank (in person, by telephone or on the web.) So, I have some confidence building to do with regard to my finances. I don’t know how. I don’t know where to start. I thought I was further along on the path than I am, but at least now I know. There are some cracks, but I will figure it out and gain back the confidence and hopefully there won’t be more tests to my trusting myself and my finances.

P.S. this could lead to a whole other blog entry about how hard it is to heal and mend behaviors that are reinforced with abuse, but I think I did that one briefly and don’t really want to beat the dead horse, but sort of do…

Look what a pretty table. I'm perfeshunal. 

I made pretty food.

Seeeee!! Look how pretty I made the food. The flowers weren't as tasty as I was hoping, but over all they weren't that bad.

I have sand in my underwear.

There are days where life is so unpredictable that it blows you out of the water. You land on the beach and just think, “What the fuck?” because somehow that is the only sentence your brain seems to be able to process. Today was that day.

I walked to work today. My bike ride has become too short. Not that the distance has changed, but my ability has changed. I need a longer amount of time to work my cardio and my muscles so rather than try and ride around the neighborhood a bit I’ve opted to walk at least once a week. The thing about walking is that somehow as my legs move one in front of the other my brain processes. It takes in the surrounding of birds, trees, traffic, the height of the sun and the temperature of the air. Perhaps it’s needless to say this, but I’m going to anyway. The walk is exactly what I need to be invigorated for work and writing. By the time I got to work this morning I had a good idea of writing down all these thoughts. I did an outline and then got busy with the workday.

Two-thirty p.m. Finally time for lunch. I was starving, but needed cash for both food AND for laundry so my first stop was the bank. I went up to a teller, gave her my info and….

“I’m sorry, but you are overdrawn.”

#1- WTF?!!! I just got paid. “How could that be?” I asked and the woman turned her screen toward me. There was a major…o.k. when I say major here I’m not trying to create drama. I actually mean MAJOR as in THOUSANDS!!!…withdrawal not of my making. #2- WTF!!??? I asked how that could be? That wasn’t a transaction I initiated and it’s completely against how I handle my account. Why wasn’t I called? How could this happen? Where is my money? Who took it? #3- WTF? #4- WTF? SHIT!!!! How do I resolve this?

“Ma’am, you can call our customer service to handle this issue. There is a phone over in the hallway.”

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I want a PERSON to explain this to me. A PERSON!!!!

“There are people to explain on the phone. Over in the hallway.” Yeah, thanks Betty I’m a WASP w/ a Japanese last name Tanaka. (yes, I’m naming crappy customer service reps names here.)

So, over to the hallway I go. The phone. The black phone of “customer service” place on a faux marble counter. I call *whatevertheextensionis and get a person. Of course I need to be transferred. NOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS IS MY MONEY!!! I WANT A PERSON!!!

“Blahblahblahblahblah…3-10 business days. Blahblahblahblah…do you want someone to contact you about what we find?” says “Maggie.” I don’t even think she was real, but more like an automaton they gave a “eeeeeeeeee” name to. Mageeeeee. Mageeeeee. Gah.

#5 WHAT THE FUCK!!! YES, I DO WANT SOMEONE TO CONTACT ME. A REAL PERSON PREFERABLY

I hang up the black plastic customer service phone/Mageeeee and walk back to my office. My legs not invigorating my brain into though or resolution. It’s a chant of wtf? wtf? wtf? wtf? I get to work and customer service calls. “You have to fill out some paperwork at the branch and set up a new account.” Legs moving to the rhythm of wtf? going back to the bank.

“Hi. I’ve been robbed. Here is the fraud number.” Minutes. Phone calls. Stuff. Kind banker boy who has only worked at the bank 5 months and can at least pretend to care. No money. No money.

I have 3 to 10 business days before they resolve this. 3-10 business days. Three to ten…. That’s a long time. In the meantime I get to call the police, the FTC, the crime units at the police, the credit reporting agencies, anyone I have auto-withdrawals or auto-deposits with, the bank, the bank, the bank. #2000- WTF!!??

I needed this

Sitting on a deserted cold beach watching the waves come into shore and wash the sand leaving a print that fades is one of the most cleansing activities that I can think of. It doesn’t just relax me. It goes deeper. Much deeper into my being not only washing the sand clean, but washing all the residue frustrations and torments in life leave behind. There are few other places or things that can do this for me. Late last week I discovered one.

Sophie & Ives- Untie Me

There are a handful of albums that I can go to when I’m frustrated with the weight of the everyday world. This one is the newest of them. For me it washes over like a salty wave shifting and moving the things that are worrisome out of the way and leaving behind a clean slate. It leaves a purity that remembers what it is to love simply, enjoy simply and hardest of all be calm and quiet. I’m not very good at those. This reminds me that I am capable of that state.

Geoffrey's shark project. 

SHARKS!!

I love my children. I'm really proud of the work they do. Check out Geoffrey's diarama of a Great White Shark. It was fun to work on together and he really put a lot of hard work into it.

Who took the fun out of FUNdraiser?

I know I touched on this subject before, BUT...

Really it needs re-addressing. I love my kids. Most of my life is spent making sure that they have the things they need, that they learn things that are (in my opinion) important, and trying to make sure that I create an environment for them that is healthy. This isn't about how much I love them. It's about stopping with the stupid $@%$^ fund-raisers already!!!! WTF? Right now we have the following going:

~ Entertainment books
~ Sally Foster gift wrap and other miscellaneous crap
~ begging my friends/family/business associates to donate items of worth to be auctioned off at a silent auction
~ selling tickets for said silent auction
~ a school carnival (lowest "ticket package" is $10 PER child!!)

Then to top it off I'm being constantly bombarded with requests to volunteer. I have to say no to a lot of the things because they are during working hours and I can't always take time off. So, when I was presented with the opportunity to volunteer at the Carnival I filled out the form and sent it in. I heard nothing back. And nothing back. And still nothing back. Tonight at 9:00 p.m. I got a call asking me to work a booth for TWO HOURS for THIS, yes THIS, Saturday! Hello! After not hearing for a good 10 days I figured they didn't need me. wtf? Do the people who are making the decisions about timing these types of things communicate or are they modeling their communication on that of the feds? Who are these people that don't have lives and can fulfill all the fund-raising obligations that they are burdened with? They obviously don't sleep because after I work all day, cook dinner, clean up a bit, make sure the kids have all their homework completed and make it to bed by 9, and then often work a little more I'm DONE. I don't have more time, energy or inclination to work a second job. And asking people to buy crap they don't particularly want is work, and work that I'm not particularly fond of or good at doing.
We currently have FIVE fund-raisers for the school going on at once. This doesn't count the bike-a-thon they are doing just before the carnival. Why so many at once? Are they cramming it all in so we won't have more later? Yeah, don't kid yourselves, my friends. I'm sure I'll have more going on even over Christmas break.
Now let me ask you, if you knew this is what being a parent of an elementary school aged child was about wouldn't you just want to pull out your checkbook, pass along a bit check to the school and be done with all of it? FUCK! Don't even get me started on WHY all this fund-raising is even necessary (Thanks feds for spending billions elsewhere.)
(By the way, all of those that have helped by buying an entertainment book, gift wrap or other paraphenalia from S.F., donated some cool item to be auctioned, plan on going to the auction, or have helped in any way to my children's school getting $$ for things that the gov't should be providing THANK YOU 1000 times over!! I do appreciate it.)

Brussel Sprouts

What strange little vegetables they are. Somewhere between broccoli and cabbage, but really not like either one at all. I like them. They are quite tasty.

(yeah, I just needed to delve into something not so angry. I'm trying)

Sacrificial Brown. Just say NO!!

Oh for fuck’s sake! Does anyone really believe that Michael Brown resigning makes a damn bit of difference? Does this head taking the fall for Bush make it alright that our country is not ready for a disaster even after we’ve given up our Rights in the name of national security? Sorry, but I’m not buying this anymore than I bought Bush’s plea for us to go to war and fight terrorism. My children and loved ones are not safer. We aren’t. Look at NOLA & the rest of the Gulf Coast and tell me that Bush and his government are ready to respond to another grand scale terrorist attack and I’ll laugh in your face. This country is not prepared despite all the money and fear that the Bush administration has spent in the last 4 years. And yes, I’m pointing the finger of blame at more than Michael Brown.

So, I’ll shout this from a bullhorn the second I see even one of the Bushites~

“FUCK YOU Mr. Cheney, Mr. Bush, Ms. Rice, et al!!! Fuck you until you are down on your knees in the muck and grime of what is left of our country and begging to the corpses that you’ve created, both here and abroad, for forgiveness! Don’t you think that a simple resignation is going to cut it. I don’t accept this sacrifice and neither should the American people.”

*And by the by, I know you are watching me big “Patriot brother.” You just keep watching because the VOTE and the American people are watching you right back. Grab some Orwell and tell me what you think.

Oh reeeeally?

By all recent accounts that I've read the funding was cut from the Army Corps of Engineers to help maintain and repair the levee system that was protecting the citizens of New Orleans. Stories following the devastation and destruction show that the local, state, and federal agencies were not prepared for a catastrophic storm with the magnitude of Katrina. (do I really need to post even one link for proof of this?) O.K. so my point? Well, my point is exactly what the fuck did they waste the paper for this proclamation for if they weren't going to back it up? Fuck you, Mr. Bush for all your lies and false promises. Do us all a favor and resign before this nation is shamed even further by your blundering bullshit.

almost numb...almost

As I watch the news, read accounts of victims and read the blogs of people who are following the tragedy that the South is going through right now I continue to be stunned. I’m stunned at the denial of knowledge the federal government continues to claim. I’m stunned at the accounts there are still people dying today because they haven’t been rescued almost a week after the hurricane. I, like the rest of the country, am asking the question “Why?” and probably like the majority of those asking that question there nothing but spin for an answer. I want to yell that it’s too late for an excuse or an apology. But they wouldn’t hear just like they don’t hear the cries of the thousands still abandoned in New Orleans.

I still contend that this isn’t the Tsunami, Iraq, like a third world country. It’s not. And because it’s not the enormity of this tragedy shouldn’t have happened. There were warnings. There were studies and reports that went to both FEMA and Homeland Security. And for fucksake, there was money and an infrustructure to get people out. Again, the question of “why?” goes unanswered.

I feel numb. Numb from the anger, the hurt, and the extreme feeling of helplessness. I want answers even though at this point it’s too late for maybe thousands for answers. How can I feel numb and angry and pained over this all at the same time?

I’m rambling. I know I am. I don’t know what else to do. Give money. Alright. Done. Now what? Now what, Mr. Bush? Shall I play golf or go out and raise some money for more partisan politics? Shall I send out a search team for Dick Cheney because I haven't seen or heard fuckall from that bastard on this situation and he's the fucking Vice President? So, tell me what should I do? There is nothing I can do right now, but I guarantee that when I’m no longer completely numb and full of disbelief my anger will be rage.

One last question for Mr. Bush and all of his cronies (not that the morons will even understand it)~ Who is John Galt?

A Tragedy All It's Own

I have been, as most people have, the tragedy and destruction that Hurricane Katrina left in its wake. Entire towns have been demolished and so many American’s lives have been turned upside down. It’s tragic and it hits so close to home. I have been to many of the places that are now under water or damaged from the storm. It’s strange to see bridges and roads that I’ve been on in such a mess. I think of how beautiful a city Mobile is and how much different it’s going to be after all the water subsides. All I can do is watch and process and hope that the areas hit can recover.
Aside from my hoping that these areas can recover I am amazed at the way the people in charge are reacting and the thoughtless words they are using to describe the scene. Through my shock, I’ve been watching and listening to the words that people are using to describe the situation and it blows me away. The comparisons that people are making disturb me and baffle me that they can be serious. It’s going to take me a while to really choose my words for this post because I do feel the tragedy of this and don’t want to discount it, but at the same time I also see the hypocrisy of the words that are being used to describe this event. I don’t know what to do other than sort out the quotes and write what comes to mind immediately.
“It’s like downtown Baghdad.” Alright. Yes, there is devastation on a catastrophic scale. There is no dispute about that. However, the deaths in Iraq are in the tens of thousands and they are all man made. There are not currently bullets and bombs flying about murdering people on the destroyed streets of Biloxi. And while there are the dead they are not the parts and pieces that regularly litter the streets of Baghdad. They are different. Not the same at all and in no way does it resemble something on THIS scale. There is no constant threat of death looming over the people in New Orleans or Biloxi right now. There are evacuation efforts to get people out safely in Louisiana and Mississippi. Where do the people in Iraq go for safety?
“This is our tsunami.” O.K. While yes, they are both natural disasters it’s insulting to compare the loss of 200,000+ people to a death toll of less than 150. It’s also comparing a situation where NO ONE had warning to a situation where there were days of warning and evacuation efforts prior to the catastrophe. I’m sorry, but there is no amount of property worth comparing to the loss of so many innocent lives. Its absurdist and reactionary to even try to make the comparison and it bothers me that someone has even thought to do so.
“It’s like being in a 3rd world country.” What the fuck? No, it’s like being in a 1st world country that has undergone a major natural disaster. In time the people will either move or rebuild and the cities that were affected will return. Yes, it will take a lot of time and historic places that were destroyed can’t be recovered, but the cities will rebuild. I ask this, where will the 3rd world countries be in that same amount of time? How much could be done in actual 3rd world countries with the billions of dollars that is being estimated to cover the damage Katrina did? Will the people in Mississippi still be worried about simple diseases killing their families in a few years? Will they have to worry about starvation now or in the future? No, they won’t. So, no it’s not at all like being in a 3rd world country where there isn’t anything to rebuild, where human rights are oppressed, and the chance of living past 50 is almost zero because of either disease or famine. What it is? It’s living in the United States and having an opportunity to rebuild and being able to envision a future.
My thoughts and wishes go out for the people in the wake of Katrina. They also go out to all those who live in conditions everyday of their lives worse than what most of the evacuees are dealing with. It’s not a comparison. They are different and both unbelievably and remarkably tragic.

But Pat Robertson said it's o.k....

Pat Robertson, one of the loudest and most obnoxious voices of the religious, right has now declared that he’s in support of assassinating the Venezuelan president. Yes, that’s right KILLING someone is his Christian answer to someone he sees as a threat. His claim is that Hugo Chavez is a threat by bringing communism AND Islamic extremism to our Southern border. Can someone please pull out a map and perhaps a Political Science 101 book out for Mr. Robertson?

Now to be honest and fair I haven’t been keeping up with the situation in Venezuela. The basics I do know are that we get a lot of petroleum from them (it’s their main export to the U.S.) and that President Chavez has political ties with Fidel Castro. Even so I’m having a hard time understanding how political ties equate to over throwing the current government system and raging up through central America to infest the U.S. with his political ideology. I recall that our government has ties with both Islamic AND communist states, but so far Mr. Robertson hasn’t insinuated that our president be offed because of them. I’m also having a not hard but impossible time understanding how someone who is hell bent on a political state like communism would also be open to something so much to the political opposite as Islamic extremism. If anything Pat Robertson’s Christian extremism is more to the same pole as Islamic extremism than either a Federal Republic (the current system in Venezuela) OR communism. Can anyone clarify this contradiction in his reasoning for me? Also, can someone explain how killing the President of a country that we have major oil imports from AND a lot of Americans travelling there as tourist is going to beneficial in anyway?

It’s my belief that Pat Robertson’s extremist Christian ideals (that apparently allow for murdering someone) and ignorance on basic political theory and geography qualify him to shut the fuck up. I’m tired of the media giving such morons with absurd and extremist “us vs. them” ideas sensationalist attention and perpetuating the hatred and fear that this administration is using to support it’s agenda. Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know I answered my own questions. Bastards…

Meme-ories

I'm slow and this was a hard one. Abby sent me a link to her meme and now I've done my own. WooT! Thanks Abby!

1. Where I was ten years ago~
I was married to Kevin (my now ex-husband) and living in Hephzibah, GA (a small suburb of Augusta) and about 8 ½ months pregnant with my first child, Geoffrey. I wasn’t working so spent my days doing a lot of nothing and hanging out with my two dogs.

2. Where I was five years ago~
I was living in Stone Mountain, GA with Kevin, Geoffrey and Bronte. I worked for TruGreen LandCare. I think I was training for the Avon Breast Cancer 3Day walk. It seems like much longer than 5 years ago. It was another lifetime.

3. Where I was one year ago~
I had just moved to Colorado Springs with Geoffrey and Bronte and was working at Red Noland Infiniti selling cars. I was really trying to find a niche in C/S where I fit, but it just never gelled.

4. Where I was yesterday~
I was at the Dr. with Bronte getting her chin stitched up after she fell on the playground at school. Poor poppette. She’s fine though.

5. Where I am today~
At work. Sort of working. I rode my bike in. This evening I’m going with my friend Anita for a pedicure. Yay!!

6. Where I will be tomorrow~
We are going for crepes in the morning at work and then I’ll be in my office tomorrow afternoon. I have nothing planned in the evening.

• 7. Five snacks I enjoy
  · Barbara’s Bakery Cheese Puffs
  · Braeburn apples with Nutella
  · Pitted fruit (apricots, nectarines, peaches, plums)
  · Luna bars
  · Rice Krispy treats
  
• 8. Five singers (or bands) for whom I know the lyrics to most of their songs:
  Only five? Hmmm…
  · Jack Johnson
  · Bob Marley
  · Nirvana
  · Foo Fighters
  · Incubus
  
• 9. Five things I would do with $100,000,000
  This is a lot of money. I usually dream with lesser amounts based on a tax free lump sum, but here it goes.
  · Pay off all my debt
  · Pay off my friends AND my mom & dad’s debt up to $100K. However, they’d all have to do some task that I assign based on personality as follows.
  o Dan- he’d have to submit a spankin’ new resume and prove he submitted it to at least 10 different places. Once he’d secured a new job he’d have to shave his head AND he’d have to wear a Utilitikilt (I’d provide several) around for a month.
  o Abby- I want her to cook for me, but she makes some crazy stuff so I might have to pre-approve the menu. Also, she’d have to sing for Geoffrey & Bronte’s school one time.
  o Frisbee girl- she would have to go one week without biting her tongue. Everytime she wanted to say something back to anyone she’d have to and she’d have to let me video tape the entire week.
  o Scissors- he would have to take two weeks off work and go on vacation with me. No exceptions and NO WORK!!
  o Mynxy- She would let me pick out her clothes for a week. She’s such a doll that she should have to play dress up with me. Yay!! And at the end of the week we would have a PJ party w/ the whole crew.
  o Pecan- he would have to answer me honestly and upfront for the rest of his life. No more beating around the bush or flat out not answering direct questions. And he’d have to throw away his Crocs.
  o Steph- She would have to promise to get a babysitter and get out of the house for at least 8 hours a week. It could be broken up however she wanted, but 8 hours would be the minimum “Steph time.”
  o Mom- she’d have to promise to never send me another forwarded cutsie e-mail ever, ever, ever again.
  o Dad- he’d have to make me a whole lot of furniture (I’d buy the wood)
  · purchase a house in South Africa, a loft on Portrero Hill, and a loft in Denver
  · invest, invest, invest
  · get my teaching certificate and teach middle school. Yes, I’m insane.
  

10. Five locations I would like to run away to:
South Africa, the hot springs in Iceland, Zanzibar, Mexico, Stockholm

• 11. Five bad habits I have:
  · leaving my shoes all over the house wherever I happen to take them off
  · not letting go of people/situations when I know I should. I obsess.
  · messing w/ my zits. I know I should leave them alone, but they bug the hell out of me. I can’t help it. Why won’t they go away?!
  · checking my phone for text or voice messages…ALL the TIME. It’s more of a nervous habit than a bad habit, but I suppose it might annoy other people.
  · my net addiction. I admit I’m addicted. Deal.
  
• 12. Five things I like doing
  · tribing
  · hanging out with my kids doing things like bike riding and watching them skateboard, roller blade
  · cooking a big meal
  · reading
  · eating
  
• 13. Five TV shows I like
  · Miami Tattoo
  · Myth Busters
  · The Andy Milonakis show
  · Overhaulin’
  · Sex in the City on DVD
  

14. Five famous people I’d like to meet:
I can’t pick any. I’ve been trying. Here’s why. The people I really admire that are famous I wouldn’t want to meet because I want to keep admiring them and it might ruin the ideal of who they are. The other famous people I can think of don’t really interest me enough to make me want to spend time with them.

• 15. My biggest joys
  · my children
  · spending time with the people I love deeply
  · my sweet Max and all his clowny boxer antics
  · riding around in my Yeep with the top down
  · gardening, even though I haven’t had much opportunity over the last year. I love planting things and then taking care of them so they grow and make my surroundings beautiful.
  
  

Pick one!

This morning I received a call from the Denver Public School that my children will be attending this year. It seems that I made a mistake when filling out their registration paperwork. The mistake? I apparently had the audacity to list them as more than one ethnicity in the absence of an “other” category, so could I please choose just one. So, how exactly am I supposed to respond to this? I have instilled in my children that they are a variety of ethnicities and they should be proud of them all, so how can I, in good conscious, pick only one? I’m fairly angry that I’m having to make this decision in the year 2005. Why is this even still an issue? How is it that the city of Denver still finds it necessary to categorize people into ONE ethnicity? I don’t know, but I’m going to find out. And then I’m going to push until the form is changed. A form that is supposed to report ethnic statistics that doesn’t have more than 4 distinct categories is hardly accurate and as far as I can see fairly discriminatory. Funny how this was never a problem when I lived in the South.
To be continued…

Overwhelmed

Right now things are good. Very good. But somehow it's all overwhelming somehow. I have a new job that I think I'm going to like a lot. Granted it's going to be a lot of stuff I've done before, but since the company is so new a lot of the process and procedure stuff I'll own. It will be mine. That's awesome, but at the same time there is the newness of it that makes it a lot.
The children are in a Day Camp that they enjoy and I think for the most part takes good care of them. The problem is that it's a LOT out of the way that I'm at my new job. 15-20 mins there and then the same back. Twice a day. In order to get to work on time I have to leave the house at 7 a.m. Yeah, this is only four weeks, but it feels like that will be a very long time.
It's just adjusting. Once the kids start school we'll be able to get into a more comfortable routine and it will be fine. I know it will. I just have to be patience with myself, the schedule and time. Something I'm really not good at.
Even so, what a problem. Kids that are happy and a good job that actually pays me well and has good benefits. I am a lucky girl. Now I just need to get my ass to bed so that I can be rested enough to enjoy it all.

Lemonade! Ice Cold Lemonade!

Today was the second time my children had a lemonade stand. They are becoming quite the entrepreneurs. We are discussing the various aspects of business as we go. We have discussed advertising and marketing. And we are about to discuss overhead. They are currently making a list of what products they had to use and are arguing about whether water counts as one of the products. We have discussed putting money back into your business before, but I think it's going to have to be repeated. We have also had the chance to discuss measurements. I've notice that a lot of people don't know measurements.
Um.....I'm not sure what my point is here. I think just that I wish that I had had someone to discusss this stuff with me when I was little. It would have given me some basic concepts a lot earlier to build on. I guess that makes the point that there are so many things that I think parents forget their children need to know. It's easy to not remember all the basic things when there is so much out there telling us what's important. The right shoes, the right soccer team, the right school...etc. What does all that matter when we are forgetting to teach our kids about how far "please" and "thank you" can get them? Or how important it is to invest in yourself and the things that will make you more money? Or how much work it can be to get something rewarding? I really hope that exercises like having my kids sell lemonade teach them some of this. I have to remember that school is important, but that everyday life has a lot of important lessons as well.

I'm so proud of my little patriot

My sweet little girl wrote a song about how much she loves her country in class. When she presented it to her teacher it was decided that they would sing it in the school parade. I am so proud of her. What a sweet little patriot I have. Here is a copy of the final version:

America (sung to the tune of "Are You Sleeping?")

Oh, America! Oh, America!
How I love you. How I love you.
Everybody loves you, too. Everybody loves you, too.
la, la, la. la, la, la.

Oh, America! Oh, America!
We love you. We love you.
You are true. You are true.
la, la, la. la, la, la.

Oh, America! Oh, America!
We love the flag. We love the flag
You wave so proudly. You wave so proudly.
la, la, la. la, la, la.

Oh, America! Oh, America!
We love you. We love you.
RED, WHITE AND BLUE.
RED, WHITE AND BLUE.
USA! USA!!

hmmm...

i don't have much to say. i'm really overwhelmed. things will be fine. i know this. just right now i'm sort of stunned into silence.

Doctor 'n shit

Congrats, Dr. Abby!!!
I knew you'd get through your defense w/ no problems. Now it's time to relax and pack all of your stuff, egg a certain neighbors door and move to Boston!!!

WooT!!!

living in an empty house

You know it's kind of nice to not have any furniture. I know I have a whole apartment of it in Denver, but somehow just not having stuff for a bit is a good change. It's fun to be able to do a cartwheel in the living room or lay on the floor and just roll about tickling the kids. I feel like I'm getting away with something.

On the job note things are really starting to look good. Moving fast and I like that. I am feeling a bit less stressed even than this morning and that's a good thing. I have a few positions that look really appealing applied for so we will see. Even better I'm getting some bites. WooT!

Lastly, one of my good friends is in love. He's stoooopid in love and I'm so happy for him. I mean like giddy happy for him. Shady, you totally deserve this. MWA! for you both and good luck. ;)

bored

How is it possible to be busy and this bored at the same time? I need more challenges and more things to reflect and write about. You know I've discovered that talking about history and poli sci are really two of my favorite things. Don't mistake that for modern politics and who is running for office. I mean political theory. Much more interesting than the practice. k..back to my boring job. fuck..I need a vacation and an interesting occupation.

Thank you Mr. McKinney

I *heart* Maya Swimwear!!! WooT!

Thank you so much to Mr. Dave McKinney for getting me such an awesome swim wardrobe. You are so awesome and the suits fit perfectly! Wooohoooo!! I love them, I love them, I love them!

Thanks Mr. McKinney!! 

where is spring?

When I moved back to Colorado I was prepared for snow from October until early April. I don't think it really started snowing until early November. It hasn't stopped yet. There were little flakes floating about yesterday and it feels like it could snow more tonight. I want Spring! I want it NOW! I got so spoiled in Atlanta. Fuck, why did I move back again? I need to stop asking that question because the bottom line is that I did and I can't go back. Still, I want Spring. This cold is for the freakin' birds. It makes me cranky.

On a much funnier note I woke to the sound of doggie toenails on the wood flooring this morning. clickity-clickity-clickity. I couldn't figure out what Max was up to so I sat up and looked at his bed. No Max. clickity-clickity-clickity-clickity Still no sign of the dog. Then I realized that the sound was coming from under me. He was under the bed. Stuck. Yes, he had for some reason made his way under the bed and had gotten stuck. He couldn't get enough leverage on the slippery floor to pull himself out. So, I got out of bed and pulled him from under it. He seemed fairly happy to not be under the bed anymore. Fortunately I was able to get back to sleep for a few minutes before the evil alarm sounded. Another Monday.

hi

Three weeks until we move. Just three. Well, all our stuff will be moved next weekend, but for us to be permanent residents of Denver it's 3. I'm sitting among partially and completely filled boxes that contain bits of my life. Things that I've found important enough to keep or things that make life a little more interesting or comfortable. I'm so spoiled and have so much from a global perspective. I forget that sometimes. I forget that having a pencil in some places is a rare thing and yet we have boxes of them. Pencils.

It's cold again today. Cold with tiny little snowflakes whirling about on the breeze. I want May 1 to be warm and full of flowers and fresh springy air. Not bitter and snide.

While packing I found a letter I wrote on a napkin as we were making our way to Colorado. I was so full of hoping that the move was going to go well. I was so sure that the familiarity of the place would make the transition easier. I forgot that while the place is the same I'm not. So, I don't recognize here anymore and it certainly didn't recognize me. Better to move on.

Alright, I'm done rambling. This is why I haven't posted much. Fear of the lame ramble.

stress

There is one thing that is constant in my life. Stress. Certainly the level fluctuates, but it's always there. Is there enough money? What are the kids doing? etc. Right now my stress is sort of in the red zone. With the move there is the continual worry that I won't have enough money, or that things won't work out just right, or that I won't find a job. And I can look back at the past and say, "Hey, I've always done o.k. I've always survived and made it. Why would this be any different?" Somehow that doesn't seem to reduce the stress level or calm my fears. Then I call a friend and they say, "Smoooochie, you have always landed on your feet. You are super resourceful. So, how will this situation be any different?" And then I'm alright. I feel calmed and the stress, while not gone, is less. Why is it that I believe it when it's an external source, but question it when it's internal? Is this where my lack of self-esteem kicks in? Does it matter as long as I have awesome friends to remind me that I'm really an able person? Sure am glad that I do.

I got this idea from Frisbee's blog and she got it from From rickenharp (better known as .m. to some) "the idea is as follows: I'm taking (his) list of 20 artists and keeping the ones that I've seen, eliminating those I haven't, and adding in artists I have seen that aren't on the list until I get the total back up to 20 again.

Feel free to keep the chain alive..." The highlighted ones were on a prevous list.

1. Fishbone
2. beastie boys
3. Depeche Mode
4. The Cure
5. Stone Temple Pilots
6. India Arie
7. New Order (my first concert w/o a parent)
8. Incubus
9. Donny and Marie (I was 6)
10. Ice T
11. Ice Cube
12. Jane's Addiction
13. Michael Jackson (haha!)
14. The Damned
15. The Slackers
16. King Crimson
17. Pennywise
18. The Donnas (twice in the same summer)
19. Weezer
20. Love Spit Love

Oh no!! Only one is highlighted! More proof that we are, in fact, NOT the same person. Although I can't think of a lovelier person to be if I weren't me.

My tiny bubbles are FROZEN!! 

Tiaras and Leis

A friend of mine was talking about how her local pub was having a Luau tonight. So, in the spirit of it she was going to wear her tiara and a few leis. A few of us (the lunatics) decided this was a great idea. I am SO down for dressing up luau style and having a good time. Then came the blizzard. Whatever. Like a little snow is stopping my fun!! WooT! Happy Tiara and Lei day!

Promo

Read this blog.

http://aclipscomb.blogspot.com/2005/04/real-enemy.html

Do it! Do it now! Or taste my Smoooochie wrath! (somehow that's not as funny as squirrely wrath, but it's wrath dammit!! WRATH!!)

hearing the past

I was never a big Oasis fan. Am still not really, but every once in awhile I hear one of their songs and really dig it. Just now "Champagne Supernova" is playing and it's really a nice little reminder of the past. Just something that doesn't bring back a specific memory, but more like just a reminder that the past is there both good and bad. If we allow it to it can throw rocks at us and create a big lot of drama, but if we don't allow it then it can be reminisced and enjoyed for what it was. Anyway, there are just things from the past that serve as these reminders that it's there. That song is one of them.

work in progress

I once walked away

Over the grass growing out of the cracks

Over the cracks themselves

I don’t remember if the sun was shining

I suspect it was by the memory of the light on the leaves

And the sparkle from the passing cars

Still you were there in front of me

So I turned and came back

Unable to let go

snowy ramble

I'm looking out into a blizzard of sorts. The snowflakes are large and it looks like a truck of feather pillows might have crashed and now the wind it blowing them all about. The wind is ferocious and unforgiving, sometimes nearly blowing the snowflakes horizontal rather than allowing them to fall down. The puddles that have formed in the parking lot are indicative of how wet the snow is and when the wind whips the snow into them it does look like it's raining.

I'm inside though. Enjoying some tea, J.E.W. and a load of work that isn't too frantic, but is a nice steady pace. I've taken a moment to blog. Just to stay in the habit. I really love this song. "Can't say I was never wrong, but some blame rests on you. Work and play are never o.k. to mix the way we do..."

It's really too early to think of lunch, but today I'm thinking the comfort of shwarma sounds pretty tasty. Besides it's close. That is key.

I had the best dream this morning. It's sort of following me through the day tickling at my brain and making me smile. It was enough that I'm not going to share here, but sure am glad my subconcious recognizes that I need an active sex life. haha!

k..done w/ my little ramble.

lesson learned

So, the lesson for the past year? Do not do business with family unless you have a VERY clear, well-defined document outlining the transaction. Just don't regardless of the situation. If they want to do business that way based on "we're family, we don't need a contract." RUN!! Really, just trust me on this one.

Top o' the rude list

alright, so I haven't been blogging much. I've been busy, but this must be entered into the record.

If you say you are going to call on a certain day then just fucking well do that. Even if it's simply to say, "Hey, I can't talk now, but wanted to give you the call I said I would. I'll call again later." or if it's even to say, "I don't know the answer yet. I'll give you a call when I do." What EVER, but CALLLLLL. And if you don't call then have the balls to call the next day or when you are either reminded or remember on your own to apologize for not getting back to the person. Really, I have no patience for rude shit like this. It shows that you blatantly either don't respect the person's time or simply don't give a shit about the person enough for them to even have offered their phone number.

Damn, I'm angry.

just checking in

I don't have much to say. Work was hard. The kids are still hanging out w/ friends. It's quiet and nice. I really could use a snuggle, but sometime I'll get it and for now it's good to just have some alone. In fact if I could I'd go to bed right now and just read. I picked up one of my Jonathan Carroll books the other night. It's weird how he can draw me in over and over. Same books I've been reading. I just always get drawn in.

There are things I could be doing. But for now, I'm just finishing this blog and then nothing. Sometimes nothing is necessary.

couples

I have been thinking for the past year or so that I'd really like to be in a couple. I was just in one last summer and I liked it. I liked having a boyfriend to do stuff with and for. It was nice. Nice to have someone to share my time with, call me now and then, fall asleep on while watching TV. It was fun to cook dinner for him and go to baseball games, etc. When I moved that ended even though it had just started. He was cool, but it had just begun so no worries there. Even so, since then I've only dated. And that's been good to. But lately it seems like I see couples everywhere. They are doing chores together on weekends, driving along conversing, having lunch together, etc. I have to admit I've been a bit jealous of these people. Then today I was watching this couple today that seemed really happy. They seemed like they were in love. They seemed like they were content. And then I realized that I was in that couple once and people who wanted to be in a couple had looked at me and been jealous. The thing was when it seemed like I was really happy I was miserable. It seemed to everyone else like I was in the perfect couple. People even commented on it, and it really was all a facade. I don't know that the couple I saw today weren't really happy. I don't know that they were. I just know that things are not always as they appear, and I'd much rather wait to have something real and good and solid than have the appearance of it.

A bit gruesome really

She was attentive as she stood in line beaming and watching the children take their turns. The arm was missing. It had been the first to go. The next child was up. A little boy with black shiny hair cut short but even so was tossled from the earlier playtime. He looked intently and swung and swung to no avail. She looked back at me smiling a smile that was missing teeth. "She's beautiful," the voice in my head said absently. The little Korean girl had successfully removed the foot. Smashed. Clapping and jumping in one spot her turn was next. WHACK at the abdomen in a pink dress. WHACK! WHACK! Her hand off to the next child was to another boy with black hair. With one swift hit the paper princess was divided in two and the treats that made up her innards were on the floor. The children below her hanging carcass gleeful and cheerily picking them up.

"Mommy, look at all the candy," she said referring to the pinata guts she'd put in her little plastic bag.

bedside manner

I needed to go to the doctor today to get my annual PAP and a prescription refilled. Never needing to have gone to the doctor here in the Springs I didn't have one yet, so I braved the insurance companies website and found one listed that looked good. I’m not really sure what drew me to this particular office over the others other than it was close to my office.
Today was my appointment so I left work and drove the short distance. I was a little nervous, as I am always leery of new doctors. When I was diagnosed w/ HSV2 I had a really bad experience with a doctor and so am really anxious about having to deal with a new one, not knowing how they will react to my medical history. Afterward I found a really good group in Atlanta that really reassured me, informed me, and helped educate me about my health. It seems that a lot of doctors forget that is part of their job other than just writing prescriptions. So, anyway, I was nervous and holding my breath. As it turned out the woman was awesome. I wouldn't say that she took extra time with me, probably only 10-15 mins for a full gyno exam, but rather that she used the time very efficiently with a pleasant manner. She asked a lot of questions, gave answers to questions before I asked, and told me some things I knew already. Even so it was good to have her backing up my previous doctors on the information. Even better she agreed with me on staying on the meds I take rather than changing that. Yay!! It made me think of how lucky I was this time. There are so many doctors out there that just rush through, only answer questions if you really pressure them to, and don't always give a clear answer. Even worse, there are some out there that make you feel bad because you had the nerve to get sick. It's really frustrating, but this time it was not. It was great. Now, I just need to see if she’ll move to Denver. Haha!

I'm sitting here with nothing in particular on my mind. I don't have a great idea for this blog entry other than that I'm feeling like today will be productive. My mind is wandering from corner to corner thinking of things that need to be done, stuff to be put away and how exactly I'll get it all accomplished. I have a lot of clutter on my desk and I wonder how it gets there so frequently. How do I not realize when my desk, my room, my house is becoming somewhat cluttered and then all of the sudden I can "see" it all? It's the times that I realize that it's cluttered that I start feeling really motivated to clean. All the other times I feel to busy with life to worry about it. Doing the mom things, being a friend, enjoying the things I enjoy. But the cleaning...it feels productive and then after I feel dusty but accomplished. So, onto that now. My head feels less cluttered.

...and this post is done.

If you like Pina Coladas...

Alright, so I'm lame. I registered with Match.com because I need to meet new people and am WAY too shy to meet anyone any other way. And I have bad socialization or something. I just don't know how to meet people. Anyway, so I have been on Match before and in fact that's how I met sweet Pecan. Oh, sweet Pecan... he's dreamy...but that's another post.
So, anyway, I'm doing this casual dating thing and am on Match. The thing is I have gotten some seriously um...how to be pc about this? Can't. Man!! These guys are icky and persistent. What the hell about my saying "Thanks not interested" was difficult to understand the first time. It never bodes well for them when they don't even have a photo up. Sorry, maybe that is shallow of me, but looks are important. What if they have hair for cryin' out loud!!?? ACK!!! (i keeeed) I got an e-mail from this one dude who had in his profile that he was looking for "A smart, funny, clean woman" because "I deserve one." Shouldn't CLEAN be sort of a given? Apparently in his experience it isn't.
I have met a couple of people that seem like they would be fun to hang out with. I have contacted a couple of women because I really would like to meet some friends to do stuff with. I really would like to have some people who aren't allergic to kids to hang out with. THAT is that hardest thing. I miss my girls and hanging out talking about all the stuff girls do. (Men, you really don't wanna know, and no, most of it ISN'T about you) So, yeah. I'm a loser and we'll see how it goes. Who knows? Maybe I'll find a great group of people that I can just be chill with.

k..done rambling. i need a shower

Newshounds

I don’t claim that I am in the know about a lot of things. I don’t turn on the news every night at home, I don’t check CNN or BBC religiously throughout the day, but I do try to stay aware. It’s not because I want to know the sensationalism that most news agencies go for, but because I want to know what is going on where I live. This place called the world and how these things are going to affect the kids and me.
I don’t know that this is a recent observation or one that I’m just now remembering I’ve made before. I think perhaps it’s sort of just a known that I don’t really acknowledge, but definitely behind my aversion to FOX news. They are all about these types of stories and pounding them into the ground. Anyway, I’ve recently re-noticed how many people really are drawn only to these sensationalized stories. The sensational is what they remember and talk about like it’s a soap opera and not someone’s reality. I hear them talking in excited tones both about a news story AND of the show they watched right after the news. There is no distinction in their tone or the way they talk about the two. It makes me wonder how much these people believe what they see on television is real and how much they realize is not. More and more I realize how, despite our ability to have immediate knowledge of the world, how little people actually care about anything except what stimulates them, makes them feel better about themselves or gives them something to talk about.
I am left wondering if they realize that this judge whose family was killed is hurting and grieving right now. Or if they take it to the level that right now there are children scared and missing their parents because they’ve been conscripted to fight a “war?” Or that there are parents who are forced to sell their children for sex just so that they AND their children can stay alive? These are the realities and they aren’t sensational, they suck. It's not a fun reality and it's not headline worthy because it's not pretty. I just wonder if it’s like another “reality show” to these people I overhear. What will be on the next season of "Tsunami!!" or will it be cancelled due to lack of interest. Hmmm…maybe the reason I try to forget this observation is because it’s so damned depressing.

k…done with my sensational rambling now.

Patience...

I have a saying. "Patience is for people who believe they are going to live forever." I really strongly believe this. And while I realize that I can't have everything right NOW I can and do make a plan so that I can get where I'm going. I hate the whole idea of "just be patient." It's like telling me to just "pray about it." Fuck that. I am a doer. I have to doooo things. And when I can't actually do something then I need to think about how I can take the next step. I realize that this makes me seem very Veruca sometimes, but it's not intended that way. I just think that we have some control over getting what we want in live and if we don't do something about it we aren't ever going to get what we want. I don't see how patience is a virtue. Wait and see. Um...I waited my entire 20's and that didn't work out so great. I think I'll just move along now and do something.

I'm an A, dammit!!

As those of you who have seen me in person know I am not the largest of people. I'm fairly proportionate in the state of small. This includes my boobies. I like my breasts. I came to appreciate their small, yet perfect, size quite some time ago noticing that women with larger ones had back problems and oftentimes stretch marks. Mine do not have that problem. Mine only have the problem of the idiots at the store who can't freaking understand that even those of us with an A cup need bras, too!! I'm sorry, but when I see a double D on the rack all I can think is that it would make a fantastic hat for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and can you point me to the bras that might actually fit? What's even worse is someone, somewhere actually must think that if our boobs are small we only want plain, ugly white/beige/or black bras. Ahem. So, in that light I have constructed the following letter to a top bra marketer.

Dear Victoria's Secret,

I have a secret for you. Women with an A cup like pretty bras, too! Just because my small waist and finely sculpted ass fit snuggly into a LARGE panty of yours doesn't mean that my equally perfect breasts are HUGE and someday destined to reach my kneecaps!! I WANT AN A CUP THAT ISN'T UGLY!! GET ON IT!

Thank you and kindest regards,

Smoooochie™


Now, to all my friends with large boobs. I like that you have large boobs. I'm glad that you can find bras that fit. Please help me in gaining the same priviledge.

...and this rant is DONE!

Early Sunday Morning

I woke up at 7:15 this morning. I was thinking of a dream I'd had where I was trying to kill this big black spider. It had touched my foot in the dream and I completely freaked out, as I would in the waking world, by jumping around and screaming. My thoughts then turned to Pecan wondering if he'd made it to Taiwan yet and hoping that he'd been able to sleep. I didn't really want to jump out of bed, since I bought and washed new flannel sheets yesterday, but I needed to since G's friend was coming to spend the day. He's here now.
I've been working on an idea of stuff to write and not actually getting much down on paper. um...down on screen? on disk? whatever. I haven't been recording much of what I've been thinking. It's not a complete wash. I think I have some solid stuff to work on I just need to do it. Some of the stuff has to do with my novel and some is just more like freeform poetry stuff. I still have this idea of doors in my head and what they represent to us, or don't. Also, I wrote a really good poem that was loving and I've been trying to do another. All in all, I've written a lot this year, but it all needs a lot of tuning. It's good to be working again, even if I'm not really doing all I can.
Today will be a busy one. I will work at home a bit, write some, work at the office a bit, run some errands, and hopefully in the midst of it have a little fun. Off I go. I need coffee. I really need coffee.

did I ramble? I think I was rambling again.

uncomfortable shopping

I suppose I get so used to just wanting things that sometimes when I actually can afford things it makes me a little uncomfortable to actually purchase something I have wanted or needed for awhile. Some time ago I decided that if I was getting anything back on my tax return I'd get two things: more storage for my puter (trust me, I need it) and a bike rack so that the kids and I can do some exploring about on our bikes. Of course, they don't fit in my little Yeep so we need a rack to get them anywhere other than our neighborhood. Today, I went to Amazon just to check these out and found these two items for a good price. In fact they were both between $25 and $50 less than I had expected to spend. A bargain. I put them in my cart and moved to check out. The total was right at $200. Not that much money in the big scheme of things. Still, something about just hitting "submit" on a $200 purchase of stuff that isn't a bill or food sort of freaked me out. It's stuff that I don't need, but want. I'm excited about getting it, but still a little weirded out that I can't cover it. I can easily, and planned on it. The money is there. It's not a credit purchase and it's really not that much money. So, what's the problem?
My goal is to get where I'm not so anxious about my money. Where I am in control. I'm not there yet. Yet.

k...enough rambling. Time to shower.

mystery seasoning and work

Until now I’ve really tried to leave work off my blog. Mostly because my job is less than gratifying and I’d really rather just leave it IRL. Also, if I complain too much I could really get fired and while it’s not my ideal job it does pay the bills and I’m not out working in the cold. That being said this is actually more about co-workers than my actual job.
First off, I know this isn’t always the most exciting of places, but I’d really, really appreciate it if my co-workers could simply stay awake for the entire 8 hours that they are here. I think this bothers me because for the most part I have at least 8 hours worth of work to keep me occupied and it just sort of pisses me off that they have time to sleep. Look, if it’s going to be alright for her (she’s hardly subtle) to take a siesta then my half-spanic ass wants one, too!
Secondly, stop asking me to your freaky “start up business” parties. I don’t want weird overpriced mystery seasonings that don’t have the ingredients listed. For the most part, I like to know what I’m eating, thank you. Also, the candle and home decorating parties are just not for me. I don’t know if they’ve noticed but I’m not in line for the Martha Stewart wannabe contest. I don’t want to go spend more time with anyone who actually is or for that matter anyone who would purchase the above listed items unless they were under familial duress to do so. Relatives have a way of suckering you into buying these things without you wanting to, but co-workers…not so much.
Third, I don’t want to sign up to bring food into the office on the whim of another person. I would highly appreciate my co-workers not assuming that I want to do a “themed” potluck without getting an office consensus on such a thing. I don’t want to eat anything they’ve made with the mystery seasoning and breakfast burritos make me want to vomit. Also, these things take time and effort when you aren’t predisposed to using prepackaged crap. If they really want me to bring something I’m bringing bacon. Period. Just bacon. I’m kind enough to bring bagels and schmear in every now and then out of the blue. They need to just say thank you and STFU.
Lastly, I am considerate enough to tell the PTA to shove it and just give them a donation every year so my kids and I are not tortured with taking a gift catalogue about and pressuring family and coworkers into buying a bunch of shit they don’t really want just so my kids can get some crap prizes that will break on the first day. I can actually buy them much better crap from a vending machine for two quarters instead. I know this is probably asking a lot, but I really would like for them to keep all that selling crap out of the office. I don’t need “quality” gift wrap. I don’t need a bow making kit. I am not buying annoying cow shaped lotion dispensers. I don’t need the freakin’ mystery seasoning that schools have joined the bandwagon on. What I need is to just grab the first catalogue offered and shred it. BAM! Is that clear enough?

Alright. My rant is done.

diet evil

my son and I 

Dorks 

R.I.P. Dr. Thompson

There is a lesson to be learned in life and I think perhaps better early on than later. People die. In our society we seem to want to hide this reality from not only ourselves but our children. The mistake here being the perception left that we can go on forever so live slow and long. I certainly down for the long part, but I have to admit the slow doesn’t appeal to me much. I think perhaps that’s why I respected H.S. Thompson so much. He was always flipping the slow and long in the face and shouting “fuck you” to the norm.
Today it’s been reported that Hunter S. Thompson put a bullet in his head ending his life at 67 years. While that isn’t exactly the shortest of lives it still isn’t that old. However, considering the activity and ferocity at which he lived I’d say he did pretty well. I have to say it didn’t surprise me at all to hear the news. He was a man that had no problem grabbing life by the balls and doing it his way. He went out the same way.
I have to say that old coot will be missed. It’s funny, because he’s always seemed like an old Colorado nutter to me even though he really wasn’t THAT old. I’m sure Aspen will be different with out him around, but then that’s just life.
Adios, Dr. Gonzo.