After much analysis, thought and umpteen virus, spyware, everything-under-the-friggin’-sun-that-could-compromise-the-data-on-my-computer scan, and even a few tears of frustration I’ve determined one thing about my bank account being robbed. There isn’t a fucking thing I could have done to keep it from happening or anything I can currently do in order to make the process of getting my money back any faster. Nothing. I’m usually one to take the responsibility for catastrophes and assume that somehow I screwed up and that things are my fault. Not this one. There was nothing I could have done differently.
I realize this, but “those people” at the bank just don’t seem to realize that this isn’t something I did to inconvenience them. They act as if I was the one to take the money directly out of their own pockets. It’s almost an insinuation that this is something I wanted to happen and was just walking up to seedy individuals handing my account PINs and passwords out on a business card along with my SSN. It's crazy. "Well, Ma'am if YOU wouldn't have compromised YOUR information..." I realize I’m not the most computer savvy person out there, but at the same time there are a lot of people out there with a lot less knowledge than I have using the internet that aren’t being robbed. I know that there are risks and that I have to protect myself and I do everything from every “Protect Yourself from Identity Fraud” list I’ve seen. Their attitude of me being guilty until I can be proved innocent has made me somewhat obsessed to prove, if not to them but to myself, that I’m not crazy and did everything I could to protect my info. To prove to myself that it was THEIR system that failed and not some careless behavior of my own. I hate that. I hate that this makes me feel like I’m back on the defensive. I hate that somehow inside me I’ve allowed their negativism to make me feel like I somehow am at fault. I’m not. I didn’t want to be robbed and I didn’t put myself out there any more than any other person who has a bank account does.
Needless to say this is all rather disconcerting. It’s not just the missing money that has really disturbed me. It’s much more than that. It’s brought about the realization that I don’t trust myself financially. Despite all my work over the last couple of years to be confident in taking care of finances it doesn’t take much to make me cower. The bad thing is when it comes to your own money who should you trust more than yourself? No one! I should trust myself more than anyone to deal with MY money and the decisions I make financially, the decisions about where I keep my money, and how I choose to bank (in person, by telephone or on the web.) So, I have some confidence building to do with regard to my finances. I don’t know how. I don’t know where to start. I thought I was further along on the path than I am, but at least now I know. There are some cracks, but I will figure it out and gain back the confidence and hopefully there won’t be more tests to my trusting myself and my finances.
P.S. this could lead to a whole other blog entry about how hard it is to heal and mend behaviors that are reinforced with abuse, but I think I did that one briefly and don’t really want to beat the dead horse, but sort of do…
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