A bit gruesome really

She was attentive as she stood in line beaming and watching the children take their turns. The arm was missing. It had been the first to go. The next child was up. A little boy with black shiny hair cut short but even so was tossled from the earlier playtime. He looked intently and swung and swung to no avail. She looked back at me smiling a smile that was missing teeth. "She's beautiful," the voice in my head said absently. The little Korean girl had successfully removed the foot. Smashed. Clapping and jumping in one spot her turn was next. WHACK at the abdomen in a pink dress. WHACK! WHACK! Her hand off to the next child was to another boy with black hair. With one swift hit the paper princess was divided in two and the treats that made up her innards were on the floor. The children below her hanging carcass gleeful and cheerily picking them up.

"Mommy, look at all the candy," she said referring to the pinata guts she'd put in her little plastic bag.

bedside manner

I needed to go to the doctor today to get my annual PAP and a prescription refilled. Never needing to have gone to the doctor here in the Springs I didn't have one yet, so I braved the insurance companies website and found one listed that looked good. I’m not really sure what drew me to this particular office over the others other than it was close to my office.
Today was my appointment so I left work and drove the short distance. I was a little nervous, as I am always leery of new doctors. When I was diagnosed w/ HSV2 I had a really bad experience with a doctor and so am really anxious about having to deal with a new one, not knowing how they will react to my medical history. Afterward I found a really good group in Atlanta that really reassured me, informed me, and helped educate me about my health. It seems that a lot of doctors forget that is part of their job other than just writing prescriptions. So, anyway, I was nervous and holding my breath. As it turned out the woman was awesome. I wouldn't say that she took extra time with me, probably only 10-15 mins for a full gyno exam, but rather that she used the time very efficiently with a pleasant manner. She asked a lot of questions, gave answers to questions before I asked, and told me some things I knew already. Even so it was good to have her backing up my previous doctors on the information. Even better she agreed with me on staying on the meds I take rather than changing that. Yay!! It made me think of how lucky I was this time. There are so many doctors out there that just rush through, only answer questions if you really pressure them to, and don't always give a clear answer. Even worse, there are some out there that make you feel bad because you had the nerve to get sick. It's really frustrating, but this time it was not. It was great. Now, I just need to see if she’ll move to Denver. Haha!

I'm sitting here with nothing in particular on my mind. I don't have a great idea for this blog entry other than that I'm feeling like today will be productive. My mind is wandering from corner to corner thinking of things that need to be done, stuff to be put away and how exactly I'll get it all accomplished. I have a lot of clutter on my desk and I wonder how it gets there so frequently. How do I not realize when my desk, my room, my house is becoming somewhat cluttered and then all of the sudden I can "see" it all? It's the times that I realize that it's cluttered that I start feeling really motivated to clean. All the other times I feel to busy with life to worry about it. Doing the mom things, being a friend, enjoying the things I enjoy. But the cleaning...it feels productive and then after I feel dusty but accomplished. So, onto that now. My head feels less cluttered.

...and this post is done.

If you like Pina Coladas...

Alright, so I'm lame. I registered with Match.com because I need to meet new people and am WAY too shy to meet anyone any other way. And I have bad socialization or something. I just don't know how to meet people. Anyway, so I have been on Match before and in fact that's how I met sweet Pecan. Oh, sweet Pecan... he's dreamy...but that's another post.
So, anyway, I'm doing this casual dating thing and am on Match. The thing is I have gotten some seriously um...how to be pc about this? Can't. Man!! These guys are icky and persistent. What the hell about my saying "Thanks not interested" was difficult to understand the first time. It never bodes well for them when they don't even have a photo up. Sorry, maybe that is shallow of me, but looks are important. What if they have hair for cryin' out loud!!?? ACK!!! (i keeeed) I got an e-mail from this one dude who had in his profile that he was looking for "A smart, funny, clean woman" because "I deserve one." Shouldn't CLEAN be sort of a given? Apparently in his experience it isn't.
I have met a couple of people that seem like they would be fun to hang out with. I have contacted a couple of women because I really would like to meet some friends to do stuff with. I really would like to have some people who aren't allergic to kids to hang out with. THAT is that hardest thing. I miss my girls and hanging out talking about all the stuff girls do. (Men, you really don't wanna know, and no, most of it ISN'T about you) So, yeah. I'm a loser and we'll see how it goes. Who knows? Maybe I'll find a great group of people that I can just be chill with.

k..done rambling. i need a shower

Newshounds

I don’t claim that I am in the know about a lot of things. I don’t turn on the news every night at home, I don’t check CNN or BBC religiously throughout the day, but I do try to stay aware. It’s not because I want to know the sensationalism that most news agencies go for, but because I want to know what is going on where I live. This place called the world and how these things are going to affect the kids and me.
I don’t know that this is a recent observation or one that I’m just now remembering I’ve made before. I think perhaps it’s sort of just a known that I don’t really acknowledge, but definitely behind my aversion to FOX news. They are all about these types of stories and pounding them into the ground. Anyway, I’ve recently re-noticed how many people really are drawn only to these sensationalized stories. The sensational is what they remember and talk about like it’s a soap opera and not someone’s reality. I hear them talking in excited tones both about a news story AND of the show they watched right after the news. There is no distinction in their tone or the way they talk about the two. It makes me wonder how much these people believe what they see on television is real and how much they realize is not. More and more I realize how, despite our ability to have immediate knowledge of the world, how little people actually care about anything except what stimulates them, makes them feel better about themselves or gives them something to talk about.
I am left wondering if they realize that this judge whose family was killed is hurting and grieving right now. Or if they take it to the level that right now there are children scared and missing their parents because they’ve been conscripted to fight a “war?” Or that there are parents who are forced to sell their children for sex just so that they AND their children can stay alive? These are the realities and they aren’t sensational, they suck. It's not a fun reality and it's not headline worthy because it's not pretty. I just wonder if it’s like another “reality show” to these people I overhear. What will be on the next season of "Tsunami!!" or will it be cancelled due to lack of interest. Hmmm…maybe the reason I try to forget this observation is because it’s so damned depressing.

k…done with my sensational rambling now.

Patience...

I have a saying. "Patience is for people who believe they are going to live forever." I really strongly believe this. And while I realize that I can't have everything right NOW I can and do make a plan so that I can get where I'm going. I hate the whole idea of "just be patient." It's like telling me to just "pray about it." Fuck that. I am a doer. I have to doooo things. And when I can't actually do something then I need to think about how I can take the next step. I realize that this makes me seem very Veruca sometimes, but it's not intended that way. I just think that we have some control over getting what we want in live and if we don't do something about it we aren't ever going to get what we want. I don't see how patience is a virtue. Wait and see. Um...I waited my entire 20's and that didn't work out so great. I think I'll just move along now and do something.

I'm an A, dammit!!

As those of you who have seen me in person know I am not the largest of people. I'm fairly proportionate in the state of small. This includes my boobies. I like my breasts. I came to appreciate their small, yet perfect, size quite some time ago noticing that women with larger ones had back problems and oftentimes stretch marks. Mine do not have that problem. Mine only have the problem of the idiots at the store who can't freaking understand that even those of us with an A cup need bras, too!! I'm sorry, but when I see a double D on the rack all I can think is that it would make a fantastic hat for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and can you point me to the bras that might actually fit? What's even worse is someone, somewhere actually must think that if our boobs are small we only want plain, ugly white/beige/or black bras. Ahem. So, in that light I have constructed the following letter to a top bra marketer.

Dear Victoria's Secret,

I have a secret for you. Women with an A cup like pretty bras, too! Just because my small waist and finely sculpted ass fit snuggly into a LARGE panty of yours doesn't mean that my equally perfect breasts are HUGE and someday destined to reach my kneecaps!! I WANT AN A CUP THAT ISN'T UGLY!! GET ON IT!

Thank you and kindest regards,

Smoooochie™


Now, to all my friends with large boobs. I like that you have large boobs. I'm glad that you can find bras that fit. Please help me in gaining the same priviledge.

...and this rant is DONE!

Early Sunday Morning

I woke up at 7:15 this morning. I was thinking of a dream I'd had where I was trying to kill this big black spider. It had touched my foot in the dream and I completely freaked out, as I would in the waking world, by jumping around and screaming. My thoughts then turned to Pecan wondering if he'd made it to Taiwan yet and hoping that he'd been able to sleep. I didn't really want to jump out of bed, since I bought and washed new flannel sheets yesterday, but I needed to since G's friend was coming to spend the day. He's here now.
I've been working on an idea of stuff to write and not actually getting much down on paper. um...down on screen? on disk? whatever. I haven't been recording much of what I've been thinking. It's not a complete wash. I think I have some solid stuff to work on I just need to do it. Some of the stuff has to do with my novel and some is just more like freeform poetry stuff. I still have this idea of doors in my head and what they represent to us, or don't. Also, I wrote a really good poem that was loving and I've been trying to do another. All in all, I've written a lot this year, but it all needs a lot of tuning. It's good to be working again, even if I'm not really doing all I can.
Today will be a busy one. I will work at home a bit, write some, work at the office a bit, run some errands, and hopefully in the midst of it have a little fun. Off I go. I need coffee. I really need coffee.

did I ramble? I think I was rambling again.

uncomfortable shopping

I suppose I get so used to just wanting things that sometimes when I actually can afford things it makes me a little uncomfortable to actually purchase something I have wanted or needed for awhile. Some time ago I decided that if I was getting anything back on my tax return I'd get two things: more storage for my puter (trust me, I need it) and a bike rack so that the kids and I can do some exploring about on our bikes. Of course, they don't fit in my little Yeep so we need a rack to get them anywhere other than our neighborhood. Today, I went to Amazon just to check these out and found these two items for a good price. In fact they were both between $25 and $50 less than I had expected to spend. A bargain. I put them in my cart and moved to check out. The total was right at $200. Not that much money in the big scheme of things. Still, something about just hitting "submit" on a $200 purchase of stuff that isn't a bill or food sort of freaked me out. It's stuff that I don't need, but want. I'm excited about getting it, but still a little weirded out that I can't cover it. I can easily, and planned on it. The money is there. It's not a credit purchase and it's really not that much money. So, what's the problem?
My goal is to get where I'm not so anxious about my money. Where I am in control. I'm not there yet. Yet.

k...enough rambling. Time to shower.

mystery seasoning and work

Until now I’ve really tried to leave work off my blog. Mostly because my job is less than gratifying and I’d really rather just leave it IRL. Also, if I complain too much I could really get fired and while it’s not my ideal job it does pay the bills and I’m not out working in the cold. That being said this is actually more about co-workers than my actual job.
First off, I know this isn’t always the most exciting of places, but I’d really, really appreciate it if my co-workers could simply stay awake for the entire 8 hours that they are here. I think this bothers me because for the most part I have at least 8 hours worth of work to keep me occupied and it just sort of pisses me off that they have time to sleep. Look, if it’s going to be alright for her (she’s hardly subtle) to take a siesta then my half-spanic ass wants one, too!
Secondly, stop asking me to your freaky “start up business” parties. I don’t want weird overpriced mystery seasonings that don’t have the ingredients listed. For the most part, I like to know what I’m eating, thank you. Also, the candle and home decorating parties are just not for me. I don’t know if they’ve noticed but I’m not in line for the Martha Stewart wannabe contest. I don’t want to go spend more time with anyone who actually is or for that matter anyone who would purchase the above listed items unless they were under familial duress to do so. Relatives have a way of suckering you into buying these things without you wanting to, but co-workers…not so much.
Third, I don’t want to sign up to bring food into the office on the whim of another person. I would highly appreciate my co-workers not assuming that I want to do a “themed” potluck without getting an office consensus on such a thing. I don’t want to eat anything they’ve made with the mystery seasoning and breakfast burritos make me want to vomit. Also, these things take time and effort when you aren’t predisposed to using prepackaged crap. If they really want me to bring something I’m bringing bacon. Period. Just bacon. I’m kind enough to bring bagels and schmear in every now and then out of the blue. They need to just say thank you and STFU.
Lastly, I am considerate enough to tell the PTA to shove it and just give them a donation every year so my kids and I are not tortured with taking a gift catalogue about and pressuring family and coworkers into buying a bunch of shit they don’t really want just so my kids can get some crap prizes that will break on the first day. I can actually buy them much better crap from a vending machine for two quarters instead. I know this is probably asking a lot, but I really would like for them to keep all that selling crap out of the office. I don’t need “quality” gift wrap. I don’t need a bow making kit. I am not buying annoying cow shaped lotion dispensers. I don’t need the freakin’ mystery seasoning that schools have joined the bandwagon on. What I need is to just grab the first catalogue offered and shred it. BAM! Is that clear enough?

Alright. My rant is done.

diet evil

my son and I 

Dorks 

R.I.P. Dr. Thompson

There is a lesson to be learned in life and I think perhaps better early on than later. People die. In our society we seem to want to hide this reality from not only ourselves but our children. The mistake here being the perception left that we can go on forever so live slow and long. I certainly down for the long part, but I have to admit the slow doesn’t appeal to me much. I think perhaps that’s why I respected H.S. Thompson so much. He was always flipping the slow and long in the face and shouting “fuck you” to the norm.
Today it’s been reported that Hunter S. Thompson put a bullet in his head ending his life at 67 years. While that isn’t exactly the shortest of lives it still isn’t that old. However, considering the activity and ferocity at which he lived I’d say he did pretty well. I have to say it didn’t surprise me at all to hear the news. He was a man that had no problem grabbing life by the balls and doing it his way. He went out the same way.
I have to say that old coot will be missed. It’s funny, because he’s always seemed like an old Colorado nutter to me even though he really wasn’t THAT old. I’m sure Aspen will be different with out him around, but then that’s just life.
Adios, Dr. Gonzo.

missing

I'm good at this thing called missing. It seems that I've spent a lot of time doing it. Missing my mother when I was growing up, missing my home when I had to move away, missing my grandparents now that they are dead, and now I'm missing Atlanta. Certaintly, missing a place I lived for 5 years isn't nearly as dramatic as the others, but it's very much heartfelt. I know that soon, within a few weeks probably, the daffodils will be popping their bright yellow heads up in search of spring. These will be soon followed by so many other flowers that abound around every corner of that city in late March and April. The weather will be warm and balmy and jackets will not be used much if at all. Yet here I am, still waiting out the winter. Outdoor flowers are long in coming and only those lovelies that I received for my birthday are here to give me cheer.
Apart from the natural beauties of Atlanta I am missing the places. The Dekalb County Farmers market which I have never seen anything to compare. Willy's burritos, dayum...they just hit the spot now and then and Chipotle has nothing on them. Driving down and around town late at night with all the bustle that a city has to offer.
And then there are my friends. I miss my talks with Martha about everything under the sun. I miss hanging out now and then with Alicia and just laughing and giggling about all sort of girl stuff. I miss the neighbors I had who would stop and talk sometimes for an hour or more.
I know that the decision I made was the right one for my children and myself, but that doesn't it make it easier to reconcile in my heart when I haven't found anything to compare to it here. Somehow the mountains with all their beauty just aren't as comforting as a dogwood blossom dancing lightly on a draft of warm air.

alright, I'm done whining now

Copy Cat redux

So, Abby had this posted on her blog (see my blog roll for that Troublemaker) so here are my answers:

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

I think it's around 2.5 G which isn't very much, but considering I only have a 10G harddrive it's a fucking LOT. I need an external or an Ipod.

What's the last CD you bought?

The new Jimmy Eat World

What is the last song you listened to before reading this message?

It was some French pop song. I have no idea and now it's gone.

Write down the 5 songs that you listen to a lot or that mean a lot to you. (I'm mixing it up between play a lot and mean a lot.)

1. Work by J.E.W. It's on my new CD and I keep playing it over and over really loud. It's getting annoying.

2. September by David Sylvian. It's such a beautiful song and it always reminds me of a friend I had in college that I lost touch with because of my marriage. He was a really great friend. And yes, he was just a friend.

3. Such Great Heights by The Postal Service. I don't know why I like this song as much as I do, and I don't know why it feels so comfortable and important. It just does.

4. Parabola by Tool. Such a great song.

5. I'll Fly Away. It always reminds me of my grandmother. She was awesome.

Who are you going to push this exercise on to?

You. Get on it.

k...done rambling now

February 14th

Today ROCKS!! I'm 36 today, so take that and put it in your back pocket.

by the way, how in THE hell did Robbie Williams get a recording contract? He's a cutie and in a few years might make a fantastic James Bond (if his acting is better than his music) but dayum....he needs to stop w/ the singing gig. ACK.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Smokers

As a rule I don't care if someone smokes. I am not a non-smoker that nags or complains about a smoker. Honestly, if they want to smoke great. Whatever. I like the smell of a freshly lit cigarette quite honestly, but am not inclined to take it up. What bugs me are the smokers that have no sense of humor about their habit. I mean here is an addiction (that's not a judgement call) that will make people go out in the freezing cold wintery weather to burn a cigarette! Sorry, but I am making sure all my addictions can be met where it's WARM.
Anyway, today a woman I work with was about to go out to have a cigarette and she was coughing this obvious smoker's cough, and I very jokingly said, "Have another one!" Her "witty" response? "Why don't you have another child?" um..WTF does this mean exactly? I'm a little perplexed how these corrolate in any way. Can someone help me on this one?

An actual e-mail

I received a "forward" the other day in my e-mail from someone I care about. The title of it was, "Let's see who is ACTUALLY reading their e-mail." Alright. Let's set something straight, while it is certainly something that is transferred from one e-mail account to another a "cute" forward is hardly an actual e-mail. Really, quite honestly, they are just about one step from being spam. And quite honestly some of the spam I get are more amusing than the forwards I get. The only effort or thought that was put into it was the actual reading of the thing, the thought "Oh, I should send this to so and so" and a couple clicks of the mouse. THESE ARE NOT ACTUAL COMMUNICATION WITH THE PERSON YOU FORWARD IT TO. Really, it's a little insulting when ALL you get are forwards from someone. My sister does this, bless her little heart. It drives me insane. I have no idea how she is, but I know that she thinks a story about a little boy cussing was worth forwarding to me. huh?
Now I have to admit I have received some that were worth a chuckle. Usually oriented toward work or politics. So, with all of this in mind I have created this guide to forwarding things to Smoooochie, or anyone with a fully functioning intelligence.

1. If it has hearts, unicorns, teddy bears or lame music box type music this is trash. You might actually need to go to confession if you even THOUGHT about forwarding it to someone else.
2. If it's a heartwarming story about friends that makes you think of the sappiest card Hallmark has ever offered in their long line of sappiness just click on delete. This is the kind of sick fetish that people will pay for. Please don't torture those of us that don't have that fucked up passion with it for free.
3. If it has anything about hippies, mullets, or rednecks we've seen it. Just move along to the next forward that you've subscribed to. I do not want to see it again.
4. If it's a warning about a potentially dangerous product, an idea to stay "safe" that is a little off center, or a way to get rich by e-mailing a large corp just check Snopes. If you still think it's legit tell me about it on the phone. I don't want that bullshit clogging up my brain with "what if?"
5. If I am going to have to hassle my friends by forwarding it to 10 other people so I can have good luck and you send it to me we are no longer friends and you will no longer be allowed to send even legitimate e-mails to me. Just don't do this. (There is one exception to this rule, but only one. I like those ones where you have to tell all your favorites and all your weird freaky behaviors. It's fun to laugh at you.)
6. If it's propaganda from a radical cultish group like PETA, the GOP, or basically any Christian organization I don't want it. I really enjoy fiction, but choose to get mine from Barnes and Noble.
7. There is no seven. Just remember I don't fucking want forwards if you can't actually spend a few minutes writing me actual correspondance that has to do with your well being. You are part of my life because I enjoy YOU. Let's not ruin a good thing because you don't have any etiquette with regard to the internet. I know, social skills are hard. Try.

Last, but certainly no least, I solemnly swear to refrain from forwarding things unless I too follow these simply rules.

k..I'm done rambling and bitching about this now.