Facing Time Away

My children are heading to see their father in a couple of weeks. They’ll be gone for 5 weeks. It’s the longest they’ve ever been away from me. As you might imagine I’m feeling really anxious about them being there for that length of time. Anxiety that is based in both past experience and also in the unknown.

It’s been my experience that anytime my children go visit their father it’s like opening up a can of worms. Each and every day they are monitored to see exactly what I’ve neglected to do in their upbringing. Then when the visit is over every infraction is recounted to let me know what a bad job I’m doing. None of the situations that occur in his care are taken into account for how the children behave or act. It’s exasperating. I try not to accept the invitation to go crazy when it’s presented, but knowing that it’s coming is anxiety making in itself. It’s an exercise in avoiding trying to rationalize the irrational.

It’s hard to be a parent. There are no instructions and even if there were each kid is different so you have to gauge for that. I think that based on my children’s grades, the amount of compliments I receive on their behavior when I’m both present and not, and the knowledge I have of how they act around me is enough to solidify that they are turning out to be pretty fantastic human beings. I certainly can’t take all of the credit and this for at least two reasons- they have great inherent personalities, and the support I get from my mom, Dan, Dan’s family, and my friends. Even with all of this being said, I still know that a silly pre-teen comment made by my son will be judged as a reflection of my poor parenting.

Another fear I have of them being gone so long is the unknown. We all have a natural fear of what we don’t know. It’s part of our instinct to be afraid when we don’t know what is happening. This is especially true when we don’t know what our kids are in for. It’s part of my being a mother to want to know what my kids will be exposed to and where they will be at all times. It’s my right as a mother to be able to have contact with them so that I can know these things. It’s also exactly what I am denied when they are with their father. He sees their time with him as time for them to not have any contact with me. Phone calls, letter and other communication are strictly limited. I think that if I didn’t need his address in order for them to get on the plane that would be unknown to me, as well. Knowing that I will have to go FIVE weeks with limited contact with my children is an unpleasant but real thought.

I know that logically the time will pass and they will come back home to me. Still the prospect of their absence coupled with the fallout of accusations and having to refuse invitations to go crazy is not one I am looking forward to. It’s not really anything I know how to prepare for other than to accept that it will come, and then it will pass and my children will still be my wonderful children and that my love for them and theirs for me is always there: even when they aren’t present.