Rules of the Nursery

A message to my co-workers…

I realize that there is no hope of creating stronger, brighter “you’s” but let’s just try to follow these simple steps so the workplace isn’t quite as much like a nursery as it is now.

1. When you are using the fax machine you have to dial a 9 to get an outside line. If it’s long distance that 9 must be followed by a 1. This is the rule everytime you use the fax machine. It doesn’t remember you. It’s a MACHINE.
2. When the printer says, “Out of Toner” you don’t need to come get me to tell me it’s broken. It’s not broken. You simply need to change the toner like the little light is prompting you to do.
3. Passover is not a diet. It’s a religious holiday.
4. The lemur is not an African cat. Please use Google before you make a mockery of yourself by trying to carry on a conversation that requires knowledge…of anything.
5. Yes, the tattoo hurt. No, you cannot see it.
6. While I realize that I may seem like I know everything surprisingly I don’t. So, if you need to find out some trite bullshit for your own personal comfort please do a Google search before annoying me with another idiotic question.
7. If you want another fucking case of diet coke then stop and the store and buy that cancer causing “drink” for yourself. “Human Resources” doesn’t not mean that I provide beverages or in any other way should service your base needs.
8. If you want me to do the things you ask of me then reciprocate once in awhile. I know most of you don’t know what the word reciprocate means, but see #6 before you ask me.
9. Please keep your personal life personal. I don’t care where you just got waxed, how much it hurt or how much you paid. I don’t care what color you are considering for your nails, hair or skin. I don’t share this with you so please reciprocate (see #8)
10. Coffee is not syrup. Please stop making it so. Not only does it waste the coffee grounds but no one drinks it or haven’t you noticed that you are pouring out most of a pot every stinkin’ morning?
11. Do not call me before 7 a.m. or after 6 p.m. weekdays or at all on the weekends. At these times I am parenting my children so they can be as much unlike you as possible. In other words, I’m trying to teach them to think and act for themselves and to grow into independent persons. If you simply look into doing that for yourself during these times it will be easy for you to not hassle me when I’m not on the clock.
12. I don’t have to like you to work with you. I’m polite because I have manners. Not because we are friends or because I like you.

Thank you for following these simple rules that will help us co-exist and for me not to dream of throttling you on a daily basis. Cheers.